LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 

RIVERSIDE 


V- 


BILL  NYE'S   SPARKS 


/ 


BILL  NYE'S 


SPARKS 


tY 


Edgar  Wilson  Nye 

(BILL  NYE)      ''' 


^m^ 


F.  TENNYSON   NEELY 

publisher 

New  York  Chicago 

1896 


?1\1616I 


BILL  NYE'S  WRITINGS 


BILL  NYE'S  REMARKS, 

(Octavo,  ISO  Illustrations) 
Cloth, 
Paper,    . 

$1.60 
.60 

BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS, 

Paper, 

.     .26 

NYE  AND  RILEY'S 
WIT  AND  HUMOR, 

Cloth, 
Paper,    . 

.  1.26 
.25 

Tor  Sale  Everywhere,  or  sent  Postpaid  on 
Receipt  of  Price. 

F.  TENNYSON  NEELY 

Publisher 
MEW  ¥OBK  CHICAGO 


Copyright,  1891,  by  E.  W.  Nye, 
COPTRIGHT,  1896,  by  F.  Tennyson  Neely. 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 

Biography  Of  Edgar  Wilson  Nye vii 

Requesting  a  Remittance 6 

An  Oratorical  Organette 14 

Veritas 20 

The  Drug  Business  in  Kansas 26 

The  Perils  of  Identification 31 

A  Father's  Letter 40 

The  Aztec  at  Home 46 

In  the  South 52 

In  the  Park 57 

Liberty  Enlightening  the  World 66 

Nye  Sees  the  Capitol 70 

He  Sees  the  Navy 77 

More  about  Washington 90 

A  (ireat  Benefactor 95 

Coupon  Letter  of  Introduction 99 

How  to  Teach  JournaUsm 104 

Nye's  Garden 114 

Written  to  the  Boy 118 

Answers  to  Correspondents 123 

The  Farmer  and  the  Tariff 128 

A  Conventional  Speech -,136 

A  Plea  for  One  in  Adversity , 143 

Rhubarb  Pie 147 

A  Country  Fire 151 

BigSteve 157 

Speech  of  Red  Shirt 161 

Lo,  the  Poor  Shinnecock 167 

Webster  and  His  Great  Book 17« 


Biograpbical. 


Edgar  Wilson  Nye  was  wholeTSOuled,  big- 
hearted  and  genial.  Those  who  knew  him  lost 
sight  of  the  humorist  in  the  wholesome  friend. 

He  was  born  August  25, 1850,  in  Shirley,  Pisca- 
taquis County,  Maine.  Poverty  of  resources  drove 
the  family  to  St.  Croix  Valley,  Wisconsin,  where 
they  hoped  to  be  able  to  live  under  conditions  less 
severe.  After  receiving  a  meager  schooling,  he 
entered  a  lawyer's  office  where  most  of  his  work 
consisted  in  sweeping  the  office  and  running  er- 
rands. In  his  idle  moments  the  lawyer's  library 
was  at  his  service.  Of  this  crude  and  desultory 
reading  he  afterward  wrote : 

"  I  could  read  the  same  passage  today  that  I  did 
yesterday  and  it  would  seem  as  fresh  at  the  second 
reading  as  it  did  at  the  first.  On  the  following  day 
I  could  read  it  again  and  it  would  seem  as  new  and 
mysterious  as  it  did  on  the  preceding  day." 

At  the  age  of  twenty-five,  he  was  teaching  a  dis- 
trict ichool  in  Polk  County,  Wisconsin,  at  thirty 


vili  BIOaRAPHICAL. 

dollars  a  month.  In  1877  he  was  justice  of  the 
peace  in  Laramie.    Of  that  experience  he  wrote: 

"It  was  really  pathetic  to  see  the  poor  little 
miserable  booth  where  I  sat  and  waited  with  numb 
fingers  for  business.  But  I  did  not  see  the  pathos 
which  clung  to  every  cobweb  and  darkened  the 
rattling  casement.  Possibly  I  did  not  know  enough. 
I  forgot  to  say  the  office  was  not  a  salaried  one,  but 
solely  dependent  upon  fees.  So  while  I  was  called 
Judge  Nye  and  frequently  mentioned  in  the 
papers  with  consideration,  I  was  out  of  coal  half 
the  time,  and  once  could  not  mail  my  letters  for 
three  weeks  because  I  did  not  have  the  necessary 
postage." 

He  wrote  some  letters  to  the  Cheyenne  Sun  and 
soon  made  such  a  reputation  for  himself  that  he 
was  able  to  obtain  a  position  on  the  Laramie  Senti- 
nel.   Of  this  experience  he  vsTote: 

"The  salary  was  small,  but  the  latitude  was 
great,  and  I  was  permitted  to  write  anything  that 
I  thought  would  please  the  people,  whether  it  was 
news  or  not.  By  and  by  I  had  won  every  heart  by 
my  patient  poverty  and  my  delightful  parsimony 
with  regards  to  facts.  With  a  hectic  imagination 
and  an  order  on  a  restaurant  which  advertised  in 
the  paper  I  scarcely  cared  through  the  livelong 
day  whether  school  kept  or  not." 


BIOGBAPHIOAL,  ix 

Of  the  proprietor  of  the  Sentinel  he  wrote: 

"  I  don't  know  whether  he  got  into  the  peniten- 
tiary or  the  Greenback  party.  At  any  rate  he  wa8 
the  wickedest  man  in  Wyoming.  Still,  he  was 
warm-hearted  and  generous  to  a  fault.  He  was 
more  generous  to  a  fault  than  to  anything  else — 
more  especially  his  own  faults.  He  gave  me  twelve 
dollars  a  week  to  edit  the  paper — local,  telegraph, 
selections,  religious,  sporting,  political,  fashions, 
and  obituary.  He  said  twelve  dollars  was  too 
much,  but  if  I  would  jerk  the  press  occasionally 
and  take  care  of  his  children  he  would  try  to  stand 
it.  You  can't  mix  politics  and  measles.  I  saw 
that  I  would  have  to  draw  the  line  at  measles.  So 
one  day  I  drew  my  princely  salary  and  quit,  hav- 
ing acquired  a  style  of  fearless  and  independent 
journalism  which  I  still  retain.  I  can  write  up 
things  that  never  occurred  with  a  masterly  and 
graphic  hand.  Then,  if  they  occur,  I  am  grateful; 
if  not,  I  bow  to  the  inevitable  and  smother  my 
chagrin." 

In  the  midst  of  a  wrangle  in  ^politics  he  was 
appointed  postmaster  of  his  town  and  his  letter  of 
acceptance,  addressed  to  the  Postmaster-General 
at  Washington,  wasr  the  first  of  his  writings  to  at- 
tract national  attention. 

He  said  that,  in  his  opinion,  his  being  selected 


X  BIOGRAPHICAL. 

for  the  oflBce  was  a  triumph  of  eternal  right  over 
error  and  wrong.  "  It  is  one  of  the  epochs,  I  may 
say,  in  the  nation's  onward  march  toward  political 
purity  and  perfection,"  he  wrote.  "  I  don't  know 
when  I  have  noticed  any  stride  in  the  affairs  of 
state  which  has  so  thoroughly  impressed  me  with 
its  wisdom." 

Shortly  after  he  became  postmaster  he  started 
the  Boomerang.  The  first  office  of  the  paper  was 
over  a  livery  stable  and  Nye  put  up  a  sign  in- 
structing callers  to  "  twist  the  tail  of  the  gray 
mule  and  take  the  elevator." 

He  at  once  became  famous  and  was  soon  brought 
to  New  York,  at  a  salary  that  seemed  fabulous  to 
him.  His  place  among  the  humorists  of  the  world 
was  thenceforth  assured. 

He  died  February  22, 1896,  at  his  home  in  North 
Carolina,  surrounded  by  his  family, 

James  Whitcomb  Riley,  the  Hoosier  poet,  was 
for  many  years  a  close  personal  friend  of  the  dead 
humorist.  When  informed  of  Nye's  death,  he  said: 
"  Especially  favored,  as  for  years  I  have  been, 
with  close  personal  acquaintance  and  association 
with  Mr.  Nye,  his  going  away  fills  me  with  selfish- 
ness of  grief  that  finds  a  mute  rebuke  in  my  every 
memory  of  him.  He  was  unselfish  wholly,  and  I 
am  broken-hearted,  recalling  the  always  patient 


BIOGRAPHICAL.  xi 

strength  and  gentleness  of  this  true  man,  the  un- 
failing hope  and  cheer  and  faith  of  his  child-heart, 
his  noble  and  heroic  life,  and  pure  devotion  to  his 
home  his  deep  afEections,  constant  dreams,  plans 
and  realizations.  I  cannot  doubt  but  that  somehow, 
somewhere,  he  continues  cheerily  on  in  the  un- 
broken exercise  of  these  same  capacities." 

Mr.  Riley  recently  wrote  the  following  sonnet: 

O  William,  in  thy  blithe  companionship 

Wliat  liberty  is  mine— what  sweet  release 

From  clamourous  strife,  and  yet,  what  boisterous  peace ! 
Ho!  ho!   It  is  thy  fancy's  finger  tip 
That  dints  the  dimple  now,  and  kinks  the  lip 

That  scarce  may  sing  in  all  this  glad  increase 

Of  merriment !  So,  pray  thee,  do  not  cease 
To  cheer  me  thus,  for  underneath  the  quip 
Of  thy  droll  sorcery  the  wrangling  fret 

Of  all  distress  is  still.    No  syllable 
Of  sorrow  vexeth  me,  no  tear  drops  wet 

My  teeming  lids,  save  those  that  leap  to  tell 
Thee  thou'st  a  guest  that  overweepeth  yet 

Only  because  thou  jokest  overwell. 


BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 


[PersonaL] 

Washington,  D.  C.  | 
Along  toward  morning,  1887.  J 
Cashier  World  Office,  New  York. — 

my  DEAR  SIR :  You  will  doubtless  be 
surprised  to  hear  from  me  so  soon,  as  I 
did  not  promise  when  I  left  New  York 
that  I  would  write  you  at  all  while  here.  But 
now  I  take  pen  in  hand  to  say  that  the  Senate 
and  House  of  Representatives  are  having  a  good 
deal  of  fun  with  me,  and  hope  you  are  enjoying 
the  same  great  blessing.  You  will  wonder  at 
first  why  I  send  in  my  expense  account  before  I 
send  in  anything  for  the  paper,  but  I  will  explain 
that  to  you  when  I  get  back.  At  first  I  thought 
I  would  not  bother  with  the  expense  account  till 
I  got  to  your  office,  but  I  can  now  see  that  it  is 


REQUESTING  A  REMITTANCE.        7 

going  to  worry  me  to  get  there  unless  I  hear  from 
you  favorably  by  return  mail. 

When  I  came  here  I  fell  into  the  mad  whirl  of 
society,  and  attracted  a  good  deal  of  attention 
by  my  cultivated  ways  and  Jelfersoniau  method 
of  sleeping  with  a  different  member  of  Congress 
every  night. 

I  have  not  written  anything  for  publication 
yet,  but  I  am  getting  material  together  that  will 
make  people  throughout  our  broad  land  open 
their  eyes  in  astonishment.  I  shall  deal  fairly 
and  openly  with  these  great  national  questions, 
and  frankly  hew  to  the  line,  let  the  chips  fall 
where  they  may,  as  I  heard  a  man  say  to-day  on 
the  floor  of  the  house — the  Willard  House,  I 
mean.  Eut  I  believe  in  handling  great  political 
laatters  without  gloves,  as  you  will  remember, 
if  you  have  watched  my  course  as  justice  of  the 
peace  and  litterateur.  Candor  is  my  leading 
characteristic,  and  if  you  will  pardon  me  for 
saying  so  in  the  first  letter  you  ever  received 
from  me  I  believe  there  is  nothing  about  my 
whole  character  which  seems  to  challenge  my 
admiration  for  myself  any  more  than  that. 

Congressmen  and  their  wives  are  daily  land- 
ing at  the  great  national  Castle  Garden  and  look- 
ing wildly  around  for  the  place  where  they  are 


t  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

told  they  will  get  their  mileage.  On  every  hand 
all  is  hurry  and  excitement.  Bills  are  being 
introduced,  acquaintances  renewed,  and  punch 
bowls  are  beginning  to  wear  a  preoccupied 
air. 

I  have  been  mingling  with  society  ever  since 
I  came  here,  and  that  is  one  reason  I  have  writ- 
ten very  little  for  publication,  and  did  not  send 
what  I  did  write. 

Yesterday  afternoon  my  money  gave  out  at 
3:20,  and  since  that  my  mind  has  been  clearer 
and  society  has  made  fewer  demands  on  me.  At 
first  I  thought  I  would  obtain  employment  at  the 
Treasury  Department  as  exchange  editor  in  the 
greenback  room.  Then  I  remembered  that  I 
would  get  very  faint  before  I  could  go  through 
a  competitive  examination,  and,  in  the  mean- 
time, I  might  lose  social  caste  by  wearing  my 
person  on  the  outside  of  my  clothes.  So  I  have 
resolved  to  write  you  a  chattyletter  about  Wash- 
ington, assuring  you  that  I  am  well,  and  asking 
you  kindly  to  consider  the  enclosed  tabulated 
bill  of  expenses,  as  I  need  the  money  to  buy 
Christmas  presents  and  get  home  with. 

Poker  is  one  of  the  curses  of  national  legisla- 
tion. I  have  several  times  heard  prominent 
foreigners  say,  in  their  own  language — thinkr 


BEQUE8TING  A  REMITTANCE.         ^ 

ing,  no  doubt,  that  I  could  not  understand  them 
— that  the  members  of  the  American  Congress 
did  not  betray  any  emotion  on  their  counte- 
nances. One  foreigner  from  Liverpool,  who 
thought  I  could  not  understand  his  language, 
said  that  our  congressmen  had  a  way  of  lookkig 
as  though  they  did  not  know  very  much.  When 
he  afterwards  played  jxiker  with  those  same  men 
he  saw  that  the  look  was  acquired.  One  man 
told  me  that  his  vacant  look  had  been  as  good  as 
$50,000  to  him,  whether  he  stood  pat  or  drew  to 
an  ostensible  flush  while  really  holding  four 
bullets. 

So  far  I  have  not  been  over  to  the  Capitol, 
preferring  to  have  Congress  kind  of  percolate 
into  my  room,  two  or  three  at  a  time  ;  but  unless 
you  can  honor  the  inclosed  way-bill  I  shall  be 
forced  to  go  over  to  the  House  to-morrow  and 
write  something  for  the  paper.  Since  I  have 
been  writing  this  I  have  been  led  to  inquire 
whether  it  would  be  advisable  for  me  to  remain 
here  through  the  entire  session  or  not.  It  will 
be  unusually  long,  lasting  perhaps  clear  into 
July,  and  I  find  that  the  stenographers  as  a 
general  thing  get  a  pretty  accurate  and  spicey 
account  of  the  proceedings,  much  more  so  than 
I  can,  and  as  you  will  see  by  inclosed  statement 


10  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

it  is  going  to  cost  more  to  keep  me  here  than  I 
figured  on. 

My  idea  ivas  that  boai^d  and  lodgings  would 
be  the  main  items  of  expense,  but  I  struck  a 
low-priced  place,  where,  by  clubbing  together 
with  some  plain  gentlemen  from  a  distance  who 
have  been  waiting  here  three  years  for  political 
recognition,  and  who  do  not  feel  like  surround- 
ing themselves  with  a  hotel,  we  get  a  plain 
room  with  six  beds  in  it.  The  room  overlooks 
the  District  of  Columbia,  and  the  first  man  in 
has  the  choice  of  beds,  with  the  privilege  of 
inviting  friends  to  a  limited  number.  We  lunch 
plainly  in  the  lower  part  of  the  building  in  a 
standing  position  without  restraint  or  finger- 
bowls.  So  board  is  net  the  principal  item  of 
expense,  though  of  course  I  do  not  wish  to  put 
up  at  a  place  w'lere  I  will  be  a  disgrace  to  the 
paper. 

I  wish  that  you  would,  when  you  send  my 
check,  write  me  frankly  whether  you  think  I 
had  better  remain  here  during  the  entire  season 
or  not.  I  like  the  place  first  rate,  but  my  duties 
keep  me  up  nights  to  a  late  hour,  and  I  cannot 
sleep  during  the  day,  because  my  roommates 
annoy  me  by  doing  their  washing  and  ironing 
over  an  oil  stove. 


REQUESTING  A  REMITTANCE.  11 

I  know  by  what  several  friends  have  said  to 
me  that  Congress  would  like  to  have  me  stay 
here  all  winter,  but  I  want  to  do  what  is  best 
for  the  paper. 

I  saw  Mr.  Cleveland  briefly  last  evening  at  his 
home,  but  he  was  surrounded  by  a  crowd  of 
fawning  sycophants,  so  I  did  not  get  a  chance  to 
speak  to  him  as  I  would  like  to,  and  don't 
know  as  he  would  have  advanced  tlie  amount  to 
me  anyway.  He  is  very  firm  and  stubborn,  I 
judged,  and  would  yield  very  little  indeed, 
especially  to  Yours  truly, 

Bill  Nye. 

The  following  bill  looks  large  in  the  aggregate, 
but  when  you  come  to  examine  each  item  by 
itself  there  is  really  nothing  startling  about  it, 
and  when  you  remember  that  I  have  been  here 
now  four  days  and  that  this  is  the  first  bill  I 
have  sent  in  to  the  office  during  that  time,  I 
know  you  will  not  consider  it  out  of  the  way, 
especially  as  you  are  interested  in  seeing  me 
make  a  good  paper  of  the  Worlds  no  matter  what 
the  expense  is. 

"We  are  having  good  open  winter  weather  and 
stock  is  looking  well  so  far. 

I  fear  you  will  regard  the  item  for  embalming 
as  exorbitant,  and  it  is  so,  but  I  was  compelled 


12  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

to  pay  that  price,  as  the  man  had  to  be  shipped 

a  long  distance,  and  I  did  not  want  to  shock  his 

friends  too  much  when  he  met  them    at  the 

depot. 

'£■•)  rent  of  dress  suit  for  the  purpose  of  seeing'  Hfe 

In  Wasbingrton  in  the  interest  of  the  paper $4  50 

^'o  charges  for  dispersing  turtle  soup  from  lap  of 

same 1  00 

To  getting  fur  collar  put  on  overcoat.  In  interest  of 

paper 9  00 

To  amount  loaned  a  gentleman  who  had  lived  In 
Washington  a  long  time  and  could  make  me  a 
social  pet  (I  will  return  same  to  you  in  case  he 

pays  it  before  I  come  back) 5  00 

To  lodgings  two  nights  at  25  cents 50 

5ix  meals  at  15  cents 90 

Pen  and  ink 30 

Postage  on  this  letter 9 

Bronchial  troches,  in  interest  of  paper 2C 

Car  fare 60 

Laundry  work  done  in  interest  of  paper 30 

Carriage  hire  In  getting  from  humble  home  of  a 

senator  to  my  own  voluptuous  lodgings 2  00 

To  expenses  of  embalming  a  man  who  came  to  me 
and  wanted  me  to  use  my  influence  in  changing 

policy  of  the  paper  180  00 

To  fine  paid  for  assault  and  battery  in  and  upon  a 
gentleman  who  said  he  wanted  my  influence,  but 
really  was  already  under  other  influence,  and  who 
stepped  on  my  stomach  twice  without  offering  to 

apologize 19  00 

Paid  janitor  of  jail  next  morning 1  00 

Paid  for  breaking  the  window  of  my  cell 50 


BEQUESTIWG  A  BEMITTANCE        13 

Paid  damage  for  writing'  ffumorous  poetry  on  wall 
of  cell  so  that  it  could  not  be  erased 2  00 

Total »6  '{8 

I  will  probably  remain*  here  until  I  hear  from 
you  favorably.  I  have  met  several  members  of 
Congress  for  whom  I  have  voted  at  various 
times  off  and  on,  but  they  were  cold  and  haughty 
in  their  intercourse  with  me.  I  have  been  in- 
vited to  sit  on  the  floor  of  the  House  until  I  get 
some  other  place  to  stay,  but  I  hate  to  ride  a 
free  horse  to  death.  b.  n. 


fi  pat(^i}t  Oratorical  Steam  Or^appetti? 
for  I^ailu/ay  Stu/np'i??- 

I  AM  now  preparing  for  general  use  and  de- 
sire to  call  the  attention  of  niimerous  readers  ■ 
to  what  I  have  nominated  the  Campaigner's 
Companion,  for  use  during  or  preceding  a  hot 
political  campaign.  Eureka  is  a  very  tame  ex 
pression  for  this  unique  little  contrivance,  ay 
it  is  good  for  any  speaker  and  on  behalf  of  any 
party,  I  care  not  of  what  political  belief  the 
orator  may  be.  It  is  intended  for  immediate 
use,  like  a  box  of  dry  plates  on  an  amateur  pho- 
tographic tour,  only  that  it  is  more  on  the  prin- 
ciple of  the  Organette,  with  from  500  to  5,000 
tunes  packed  with  it  ready  for  use. 

It  is  intended  to  be  worked  easily  on  the  rear 
platform  of  a  special  car,  and  absolutely  prevents 
repetition  or  the  wrong  application  of  local  gags. 
Every  political  speaker  of  any  importance  has 
suffered  more  or  less  from  what  may  be  called 
the  misplaced  gag,  such  as  localizing  the  grave 
of  a  well-known   member  of  Congress  in  the 


OBATORICAL  OBQANETTE.  15 

wrong  connty  or  swelling  up  with  pardonable 
pride  over  large  soap  works  in  a  rival  town  fifty 
miles  away  from  the  one  where  they  really  are. 
All  these  things  weaken  the  political  possibilities 
of  great  men  and  bring  contumely  upon  the 
party  they  represent. 

My  idea  is  to  arrange  a  sort  of  Organette  on 
the  rear  platform  of  the  car,  to  be  operated  by 
steam  conducted  from  the  engine  by  means  of 
pipes,  the  contrivance  to  be  entirely  out  of  sight, 
under  a  neat  little  spread  made  of  the  American 
flag.  Behind  this  an  eminent  man  may  stand 
with  his  hand  socked  into  the  breast  of  his  frock 
coat  nearly  up  to  the  elbow,  and  while  his  bosom 
swells  with  pardonable  pride  the  engineer  turns 
on  steam.  Previously  the  private  secretary  has 
inserted  a  speech  prepared  on  punched  paper, 
furnished  by  me  and  bearing  on  that  special 
town  and  showing  a  degree  of  familiarity  with 
that  neighborhood  which  would  win  the  entire 
adult  population. 

Behind  this  machine  the  eminent  speaker 
weaves  to  and  fro,  simply  making  the  gestures 
and  shutting  off  the  steam  with  his  foot  when- 
ever there  is  a  manifest  desire  on  the  part  of  the 
audience  to  applaud. 

I  am  having  over  five  hundred  good  one-night 


re  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

towns  prepared  in  this  way  and,  if  it  would  not 
take  up  too  much  of  your  space,  I  would  like  to 
give  here  one  speech,  illustrating  my  idea  and 
showing  the  plan  in  brief,  though  with  each 
machine  I  furnish  a  little  book  called  "Every 
Man  his  Own  Demosthenes."  This  book  tells 
exactly  how  to  work  the  Campaigner's  Compan- 
ion and  makes  it  almost  a  pleasure  to  aspire  to 
ofifice. 

I  have  chosen  as  an  illustration  a  speech  that 
I  have  had  prepared  for  Asheville,  N.  C,  but  all 
the  others  are  equally  applicable  and  apropos. 

(t^°  See  that  all  beaiing-s  are  well  oiled  before  you  start, 
I'specially  political  bearing-s.  See  that  the  crank  is  just 
'ight  enough,  without  being  too  tight,  and  also  that  the 
'ouraals  do  not  get  hot.) 

Felloio-Citkeiis  of  Asheville  and  Buncombe  Couw 
ty  and  Brother  Tarheels  from  Atmy  Back  : 

If  I  were  a  faithful  Mohammedan  and  be- 
lieved  that  I  could  never  enter  heaven  but  once, 
I  would  look  upon  Buncombe  County  and  de- 
spair ever  afterwards.  (Four  minutes  for  ap- 
plause to  die  away.)  Asheville  is  2,339  feet 
above  tide-water.  She  is  the  hotbed  of  the  in- 
valid and  the  home  of  the  physical  wreck  who 
cannot  live  elsewhere,  but  who  comes  here  and 
lives  till  he  gets  plum  sick  of  it.  Your  mountain 
breezes  and  your  fried  chicken  bear  strength  and 


OBATORICAL  0RGANETT:E.  17 

sealing  in  their  wings.  (Hold  valve  open  two 
minutes  and  a  lialf  to  give  laugliter  full  scope.) 
Your  altitude  and  your  butter  are  both  high, 
and  the  man  who  cannot  get  all  the  fresh  air  he 
wants  on  your  mountains  will  do  well  to  rent  one 
of  your  cottages  and  allow  the  wind  to  meander 
through  his  whiskers.  Asheville  is  a  beautiful 
spot,  where  a  peri  could  put  in  a  highly  enjoy- 
able summer,  picknicking  along  the  Swananoa 
through  the  day  and  conversing  with  Plum 
Levy  at  his  blood-curdling  barber  shop  in  the 
gloaming.  Nothing  can  possibly  be  thrillinger 
than  to  hear  Plum  tell  of  the  hair-breadth  es- 
capes his  customers  have  had  in  his  cozy  little 
shop. 

The  annual  rainfall  here  is  40.2  inches,  while 
smoking  tobacco  and  horned  cattle  both  do  well. 
Ten  miles  away  stretches  Alexander's.  You 
are  only  thirty-five  miles  from  Buck  Forest. 
Pisgah  Mountain  is  only  twenty  miles  from  here 
and  Tahkeeastee  Farm  is  only  a  mile  away, 
with  its  name  extending  on  beyond  as  far  as  the 
eye  can  reach.  The  French  Broad  River  bathes 
your  feet  on  the  right  and  the  sun-kissed  Swan- 
anoa,  with  its  beautiful  borders  of  rhododen- 
drons, sloshes  up  against  you  on  the  other  side. 
Mount  Mitchell,  with  an  altitude  of  6,711  feet 


18  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

and  an  annual  rain-fall  of  53.8  inches,  is  but 
twenty  miles  distant,  while  Lower  Hominy  is 
near,  and  Hell's  Half  Acre,  Sandy  Mush  and 
Blue  Euin  are  within  your  grasp. 

The  sun  never  lit  up  a  cuter  little  town  than 
Asheville.  !Nature  just  seemed  to  wear  herself 
out  on  Buncombe  County  and  then  she  took  what 
she  had  left  over  to  make  the  rest  of  the  country. 
Your  air  is  full  of  vigor.  Your  farms  get  up 
and  hump  themselves  in  the  middle  or  on  one 
side,  so  that  you  have  to  wear  a  pah-  of  telegraph- 
pole  climbers  when  you  dig  your  potatoes.  Here 
you  will  see  the  japonica,  the  jonquil  and  the 
jaundice  growing  side  by  side  in  the  spring,  and 
at  the  cheese-foundry  you  can  hear  the  skipper 
calling  to  his  mate. 

Here  is  the  home  of  General  Tom  Qingman, 
who  first  originated  the  idea  of  using  tobacco  ex- 
ternally for  burns,  scalds,  ringworm,  spavin, 
pneumonia,  Bright's  disease,  poll  evil,  pip,  gar- 
get, heartburn,  earache  and  financial  stringency 
Here  Kandolph&  Hunt  can  do  yom- job  printing 
for  you,  and  the  Citizen  and  the  Advance  will 
give  you  the  news. 

You  are  on  a  good  line  of  railroad  and  I  like 
your  air  very  much,  aside  from  the  air  just 
played  by  your  home  band.    Certainly  you  have 


ORATOBICAZ  OBGANETTE.  19 

here  the  makings  of  a  great  city.  You  have 
pure  air  enough  here  for  a  city  four  times  your 
present  size,  and  although  I  have  seen  most  all 
the  Switzerlands  of  America,  I  think  that  tiais 
is  in  every  way  preferable.  People  who  are  in 
search  of  a  Switzerland  of  America  that  can  be 
relied  upon  will  do  well  to  try  your  town. 

And  now,  having  touched  upon  everything  of 
national  importance  that  I  can  think  of,  I  will 
close  by  telling  you  a  little  anecdote  which  will, 
perhaps,  illustrate  my  position  better  than  I 
could  do  it  in  any  other  way.  (Here  I  insert  a 
humorous  anecdote  which  hasno  special  bearing 
on  the  political  situation  and  during  the  en- 
suing' laughter  the  train  pulls  out.) 


l/(?rita5. 

mY  NAME  is  Veritas.  I  write  for  the 
papers.  I  am  quite  an  old  man  and  have 
written  my  kindly  words  of  advice  to  the 
press  for  many  years.  I  am  the  friend  of  the 
public  and  the  guiding  star  of  the  American 
newspaper.  I  point  out  the  proper  course  for  a 
newly-elected  member  of  Congress  and  show  the 
thoughtless  editor  the  wants  of  the  people.  I 
write  on  the  subject  of  political  economy  ;  also 
on  both  sides  of  the  paper.  Sometimes  I  write 
on  both  sides  of  the  question.  When  I  do  so  I 
write  over  the  name  of  Tax-Payer,  but  my  real 
name  is  Veritas. 

I  am  the  man  who  first  suggested  the  culvert 
at  the  Jim  street  crossing,  so  that  the  water 
would  run  off  toward  the  pound  after  a  rain. 
With  my  ready  pen — ready,  and  trenchant  also, 
as  I  may  say — I  have,  in  my  poor,  weak  way, 
suggested  a  great  many  things  which  might 
otherwise  have  remained  for  many  years  unsug- 
gested. 


VERITAS.  21 

I  am  the  man  who  annually  calls  for  a  cele- 
bration of  the  Fourth  of  July  in  our  little  tows, 
and  asks  for  some  young  elocutionist  to  be  se- 
lected by  the  committee,  whose  duty  it  shall  be 
to  read  the  Declaration  of  Independence  in  a 
shrill  voice  to  those  who  yearn  to  be  thrilled 
through  and  through  with  patriotism. 

Did  I  not  speak  through  the  columns  of  the 
press  in  clarion  tones  for  a  proper  observance  of 
our  nation's  great  natal  day  in  large  gothic  ex- 
tended caps,  the  nation's  starry  banner  would 
remain  furled  and  the  greased  pig  would  con- 
tinue to  croucli  in  his  lair.  With  the  aid  of  my 
genial  co-workers  Tax-Payer,  Old  Settler,  Old 
Subscriber,  Constant  Keader,  U.  L.  See,  Fair 
Play,  and  Mr.  Pro  Bono  Publico,  I  have  made' 
the  world  a  far  more  desirable  place  in  which  to 
live  than  it  would  otherwise  have  been. 

My  co-laborer,  Mr.  Tax-Payer,  is  an  old  con- 
tributor to  the  paper,  but  he  is  not  really  a  tax- 
payer. He  uses  this  signature  in  order  to  con- 
ceal his  identity,  just  as  I  use  the  name  Veritas. 
We  have  a  great  deal  of  fun  over  this  at  our 
regular  annual  reunions,  where  we  talk  about 
all  our  affairs. 

Old  Settler  is  a  young  tenderfoot  who  came 
here  last  spring  and  tried  to  obtain  a  livelihood 


22  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

by  sp-Uing  an  indestructible  lamp-chimney.  He 
did  well  for  several  weeks  by  going  to  the  differ- 
ent residences  and  throwing  one  of  his  glass 
chimneys  on  the  floor  with  considerable  force  to 
show  that  it  would  not  break.  He  did  a  good 
business  till  one  day  he  made  a  mistake.  In- 
stead of  getting  hold  of  his  exhibition  chimney, 
he  picked  out  one  of  the  stock  and  busted  it  be- 
yond recognition.  Since  that  he  has  been  writ- 
ing articles  in  violet  ink  relative  to  old  times 
and  publishing  them  over  the  signature  of 
Old  Settler. 

Old  Subscriber  is  a  friend  of  mine  who  reads 
his  paper  at  the  hotels  while  waiting  for  a  gra- 
tuitous drink.  Fair  Play  is  a  retired  monte 
man,  and  Pro  Bono  Publico  is  our  genial  and 
urbane  undertaker. 

I  am  a  very  prolific  writer,  but  all  my  wor"k  is 
not  printed.  A  venal  and  corrupt  press  at  times 
hesitates  about  giving  currency  to  such  fearless, 
earnest  truths  as  I  make  use  of, 

I  am  also  the  man  who  says  brave  things  in 
the  columns  of  the  papers  when  the  editor  him- 
self does  not  dare  to  say  them  because  he  is 
afraid  he  will  be  killed.  But  what  recks  Veri- 
tas the  bold  and  free  ?  Does  he  flinch  or  quail  ? 
Not  a  flinch  ;  not  a  (][uail. 


YEBITAS.  25 

Boldly  he  flings  aside  his  base  fears,  and  with 
bitter  vituperation  he  assails  those  he  dislikes, 
and  attacks  with  resounding  blows  his  own 
personal  enemies,  fearlessly  signing  his  name, 
Veritas,  to  the  article,  so  that  those  who  yearn 
to  kill  him  may  know  just  who  he  is. 

"What  would  the  world  do  without  Veritas  ? 
In  the  hounds  of  a  horde  of  journalists  who  have 
nothing  to  do  but  attend  to  their  business,  left 
with  no  anonymous  friend  to  whom  they  can 
fly  when  momentous  occasions  arise,  when  the 
sound  advice  and  better  judgment  of  an  outside 
friend  is  needed,  their  condition  would  indeed 
be  a  pitiable  one.  But  he  will  never  desert  us. 
He  is  ever  at  hand,  prompt  to  say,  over  his  nom 
de  plume,  what  he  might  hesitate  to  say  over 
his  own  name,  for  fear  that  he  might  go  home 
with  a  battle  of  Gettysburg  under  each  eye  and 
a  nose  like  a  volcanic  eruption.  He  cheerfully 
attacks  everything  and  everybody,  and  then 
goes  away  till  the  fight,  the  funeral,  and  the  libel 
suit  are  over.  Then  he  returns  and  assails  the 
grim  monster  "Wrong.  He  proposes  improve- 
ments, and  the  following  week  a  bitter  reply 
comes  from  Tax-Payer.  Pi'o  Bono  Publico,  the 
retired  three-card-monteist,  says  :  "Let  us  have 
the  proposed  improvement,  regardless  of  cost." 


24  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

Then  the  cynical  U.  L.  See  (who  is  really  the 
janitor  at  the  blind  asylum)  grumbles  about 
useless  expense,  and  finally  draws  out  from  the 
teeming  brain  of  Constant  Reader  a  long,  flabby 
essay,  written  on  red-ruled  leaves,  cut  out  of  an 
old  meat-market  ledger,  written  economically 
on  both  sides  with  light  blue  ink  made  of  bluing 
and  cold  tea.  This  essay  introduces,  u  Jder  the 
most  trying  circumstances,  such  crude  yet  origi- 
nal literary  gems  as : 

Wad  some  power  the  griftie  gie  us,    etc. 
He  also  says : 

The  wee  snia'  houi'S  ayant  the  twal. 
And  farther  on  : 

Breathes  thei-e  a  man  with  soul  so  desk 
Who  never  to  himself  hath  said,    etc. 

His  essay  is  not  so  much  the  vehicle  of  thought 
as  it  is  the  accommodation  train  for  fragments 
of  his  old  school  declamations  to  ride  on. 

But  to  Veritas  we  owe  much.  I  say  this  be- 
cause I  know  what  I  am  talking  about,  for  am  I 
not  old  Veritas  himself  ?  Haven't  I  been  writ- 
ing things  for  the  papers  ever  since  papers  were 
published  ?  Am  I  not  the  man  who  for  years 
has  been  a  stranger  to  fear  ?  Have  I  not  again 
and  again  called  the  congressman,  the  capital- 
ist, the  clergyman,  the  voter  and  the  philanthro- 
pist everything  I  could  lay  my  tongue  to,  and 


VEBITA8.  25 

then  fought  mosquitoes  in  the  deep  recesses  of 
the  swamp  while  the  editor  remained  at  the 
oflSce  and  took  the  credit  for  writing  what  I  had 
given  him  for  nothing  ?  Has  not  many  a  paper 
built  up  a  name  and  a  libel  suit  upon  what  I 
have  written,  and  yet  I  am  almost  unknown  ? 
When  people  ask,  Who  is  Veritas  ?  and  where 
does  he  live  ?  no  one  seems  to  know.  He  is  up 
seven  flights  of  stairs,  in  a  hot  room  that  smells 
of  old  clothes  and  neglected  thoughts.  Far  fi'om 
the  "  madding  crowd,"  as  Constant  Eeader  has 
so  truly  said,  I  sit  alone,  with  no  personal  prop- 
erty but  an  overworked  costume,  a  strong  love 
for  truth,  and  a  shawl-strap  full  of  suggestions 
to  the  overestimated  man  who  edits  the  paper. 
So  I  battle  on,  with  only  the  meager  and  flea- 
bitten  reward  of  seeing  my  name  in  print 
"anon,"  as  Constant  Reader  would  say.  All  I 
have  to  fork  over  to  posterity  is  my  good  name, 
which  I  beg  leave  to  sign  here. 

Veritas. 


51?e  Drti§  busipt^ss  1*17  K3i?$aS. 

Hudson,  Wis. 

mR.  BILL  NYE.— Dbar  Sir:  I  hope  you  will  pardon 
me  for  addressing  you  oa  a  matter  of  pure  busi- 
ness, but  I  have  heard  that  you  are  not  averse  to  going  ou4 
of  your  way  to  do  a  favor  now  and  then  to  those  who  are 
sip.ocre  and  appreciative. 

I  have  learned  from  a  friend  that  you  have  been  around 
all  over  the  west,  and  so  I  have  taken  the  liberty  of  writing 
you  to  ask  what  you  think  would  be  the  chances  of  success 
fo?'  a  young  man  ,if  he  were  to  go  to  Kansas  to  enter  the 
drug  business. 

I  am  a  practical  young  druggist  33  years  of  age,  and  have 
some  money— a  few  hundred  dollars — with  which  to  go 
nto  business.  Would  you  advise  Kansas  or  Colorado  as  a 
good  part  of  the  west  for  that  business  ? 

I  have  also  written  some  for  the  press,  but  with  little 
success.  I  inclose  you  a  few  slips  cut  fi-om  the  papers  In 
which  these  articles  origmally  appeared.  I  send  stamp  for 
reply  and  hope  you  will  answer  me,  even  though  your 
time  may  be  taken  up  pretty  well  by  other  matters.  Be- 
speotfully  yours.  Adolph  Jaynes,  Lock-Box  604. 


THE  DRUG  BUSINESS  IN  KANSAS.     27 

Hudson,  Wis.,  Oct.  1. 

Mr.  Adolph  Jaynes,  Lock-box  604. — 
DEAK  SIR :  Your  favor  of  late  date  is  at  had, 
and  I  take  pleasure  in  writing  this  dictated 
letter  to  you,  using  the  columns  of  the  Chicago 
Daily  Kews  as  a  delicate  way  of  teaching 
you.  I  will  take  the  liberty  of  replying  to  your 
last  question  first,  if  you  pardon  me,  and  I  say 
that  you  would  do  better,  no  doubt  at  once,  in  a 
financial  way,  to  go  on  with  your  drug  business 
than  to  monkey  with  literature. 

In  the  first  place,  your  style  of  composition  is 
like  the  present  style  of  dress  among  men.  It 
is  absolutely  correct,  and  therefore  it  is  abso- 
lutely like  that  of  nine  men  out  of  every  ten  we 
meet.  Your  style  of  writing  has  a  mustache  on 
it,  wears  a  three-button  cutaway  of  some  Scotch 
mixture,  carries  a  cane,  and  wears  a  straight, 
stand-up  collar  and  scarf.  It  is  so  correct  and 
so  exactly  in  conformity  with  the  prevailing 
style  of  composition,  and  your  thoughts  are  ex- 
pressed so  thoroughly  like  other  people's  methods 
of  dressing  up  their  sentences  and  sand-paper- 
ing the  soul  out  of  what  they  say,  that  I  honestly 
think  you  would  succeed  better  by  trying  to 
subsist  upon  the  quick  sales  and  small  profits 
which  the  drug  trade  insureSc 


28  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

Now,  let  us  consider  the  question  of  location . 

Seriously,  you  ought  to  look  over  the  grounit 
yourself,  but  as  you  have  asked  me  to  give  you 
my  best  judgment  on  the  question  of  preference 
as  between  Kansas  and  Colorado  I  will  say  with- 
out hesitation  that,  if  you  mean  by  the  drug 
business  the  sale  of  sure-enough  drugs,  medi- 
cines, paints,  oils,  glass,  putty,  toilet  articles, 
and  prescriptions  carefully  compounded,  I 
■would  not  go  to  Kansas  at  this  time. 

If  you  would  like  to  go  to  a  flourishing  country 
and  put  out  a  big  basswood  mortar  in  front  of 
your  shop  in  order  to  sell  the  tincture  of  damna- 
tion throughout  bleeding  Kansas,  now  is  your 
golden  opportunity.  Now  is  the  accepted  time. 
If  it  is  the  great,  big,  burning  desire  of  your 
heart  to  go  into  a  town  of  2,000  people  and  open 
the  thirteenth  drug  store  in  order  that  you  may 
stand  behind  a  tall  black-walnut  prescription 
case  day  in  and  day  out,  with  a  graduate  in  one 
hand  and  a  Babcock  fire-extinguisher  in  the 
other,  filling  orders  for  whisky  made  of  stump- 
water  and  the  juice  of  future  punishment,  you 
will  do  well  to  go  to  Kansas.  It  is  a  temperance 
state,  and  no  saloons  are  allowed  there.  All  is 
quiet  and  orderly,  and  the  drug  business  is  a 
great  success. 


THE  DBUG  BUSINESS  IK  KANSAS.    29 

You  can  run  a  dummy  drug  store  there  with 
two  dozen  dreary  old  glass  bottles  on  the  shelves, 
punctuated  by  the  hand  of  time  and  the  Kansas 
fly  of  the  period,  and  with  a  prohibitory  law  at 
your  back  "and  a  tall,  red  barrel  in  the  back  room 
iilled  with  a  mixture  that  will  burn  great  holes 
into  natuj'e's  heart  and  make  the  cemetery 
blossom  as  the  rose,  and  in  a  few  years  you  can 
sell  enough  of  this  justly  celebrated  preparation 
for  household,  scientific,  and  experimental  pur- 
poses only  to  fill  your  flabby  pockets  with  wealth 
and  paint  the  pure  air  of  Kansas  a  bright  and 
inflammatory  red. 

If  you  sincerely  and  earnestly  yearn  for  a 
field  where  you  may  go  forth  and  garner  an 
honest  harvest  from  the  legitimate  effort  of  an 
upright  soda  fountain  and  free  and  open  sale  of 
slippery  elm  in  its  unadulterated  condition,  I 
would  go  to  some  state  where  I  would  not  have 
to  enter  into  competition  with  a  style  of  phar- 
macy that  has  the  unholy  instincts  and  am- 
bitions of  a  blind  pig.  I  would  not  go  into  the 
field  where  red-eyed  ruin  simply  waited  for  a 
prescription  blank,  not  necessarily  for  publi- 
cation, but  simply  as  a  guaranty  of  good  faith, 
in  order  that  it  may  bound  forth  from  behind 
the  prescription  case  and  populate   the  poor- 


80  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

houses  and  the  paupers'  nettle-grown  addition 
to  the  silent  city  of  the  dead. 

Tlie  great  question  of  how  best  to  down  the 
demon  rum  is  before  the  American  people,  and 
it  will  not  be  put  aside  until  it  is  settled  ;  but 
while  this  is  being  attended  to,  Mr.  Jaynes,  I 
would  start  a  drug  store  farther  away  from  the 
center  of  conflict  and  go  on  joyously,  sacrificing 
expensive  tinctures,  compounds,  and  sirups  at 
bed-rock  prices. 

Go  on,  Mr.  Jaynes,  dealing  out  to  the  yearn- 
ing, panting  public,  drugs,  paints,  oils,  glass 
putty,  varnish,  patent  medicines,  and  prescrip 
tions  carefully  compounded,  with  none  to  molest 
or  make  afraid,  but  shun,  oh  shun  the  wild-eyed 
pharmacopoeia  that  contains  naught  but  the 
festering  fluid  so  popular  in  Kansas,  a  compound 
that  holds  crime  in  solution  and  ruin  in  bulk, 
that  shrivels  up  a  man's  gastric  economy,  and 
sears  great  ragged  holes  into  his  immortal  soul. 
Take  this  advice  home  to  your  heart  and  you 
will  ever  command  the  hearty  co-operation  of 
"yours  for  health,"  as  the  late  Lydia  E.  Pink- 
ham  so  succinctly  said. 


L\}(^  perils  of  Ideptifieatiop. 

Chicago,  Feb.  20, 1888. 

FINANCIAL  circles  here  have  been  a  good 
deal  interested  in  the  discovery  of  a  cipher 
"R'hich  has  been  recently  adopted  by  a  de- 
positor and  which  began  to  attract  the  attention 
at  first  of  a  gentleman  employed  in  the  Clearing- 
House.  He  was  telling  me  about  it  and  show- 
ing me  the  vouchers  or  duplicates  of  them. 

It  was  several  months  ago  that  he  first  noticed 
on  the  back  of  a  check  passing  through  the 
Clearing-House  the  following  cipher,  written  in 
a  symmetrical  Gothic  hand : 

Dear  Sir  :  Herewith  find  payment  for  last  month's  but- 
ter. It  was  hardly  up  to  the  average.  Why  do  you  blonde 
your  butter  ?  Your  butter  last  month  ti-ied  to  assume  an 
efifeminate  air,  which  certainly  was  not  consistent  with  its 
vigor.  Is  it  not  jKjssible  that  this  butter  is  the  brother  to 
what  we  had  the  month  previous,  and  that  it  was  ex- 
changed for  its  s  ieter  by  mistake  ?  We  have  generally 
liked  your  butter  very  much,  but  we  will  have  to  deal  else- 
where if  you  are  g'oing  to  encourage  it  in  wearing  a  full 
beard.    Yours  tculy,  W. 


32  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

Moneyed  men  all  over  Chicago  and  financiait 
cryptogi-ammers  came  to  read  the  curious  thing 
and  to  try  and  work  out  its  bearing  on  trade. 
Everybody  took  a  look  at  it,  and  went  away  de- 
feated. Even  the  men  who  were  engaged  in  try- 
ing to  figure  out  the  identity  of  the  Snell  mur- 
derer took  a  day  off  and  tried  their  "Waterbury 
thinkers  on  this  problem.  In  the  midst  of  it  all 
another  check  passed  through  the  Clearing- 
House  with  this  cipher,  in  the  same  hand  : 

Sir:  Your  bill  for  the  past  month  is  too  much.  You  for- 
get the  eggs  returned  at  the  end  of  second  •week,  for 
which  you  were  to  give  me  credit.  The  cook  broke  one  of 
them  by  mistake,  and  then  threw  up  the  portfolio  of  pie- 
founder  in  our  once  joyous  home.  I  will  not  dock  you 
for  loss  of  cook,  but  I  cannot  allow  you  for  the  eggs.  How 
you  succeed  in  dodging  quarantine  with  eggs  like  that  is  a 
mystery  to  yours  truly,  W. 

Great  excitement  followed  the  discovery  of 
this  indorsement  on  a  check  for  $32.87.  Every- 
body who  knew  anything  about  ciphering  was 
called  in  to  consider  it.  A  young  man  from  a 
high  school  near  here,  who  made  a  specialty  of 
mathematics  and  pimples,  and  who  could  readily 
tell  how  long  a  shadow  a  nine  pound  groundhog 
would  cast  at  2  o'clock  and  37  minutes  p.m.,  on 
groundhog  day,  if  sunny,  at  the  town  of  Fungusi 
Dak.,  provided  latitude  and  longitude  and  an 


THE  PERILS  OF  IDENTIFICA  TlOm    3^ 

irregular  mass  of  red  chalk  be  given  to  him,  was 
secured  to  jerk  a  few  logarithms  in  the  interests 
of  trade.  He  came  and  tried  it  for  a  few  days, 
covered  the  interior  of  the  Exposition  Building 
with  figures  and  then  went  away. 

The  Pinkerton  detectives  laid  aside  their  lit- 
erary work  on  the  great  train  book,  entitled 
"The  Jerk-water  Bank  Robbery  and  Other 
Choice  Crimes,"  by  the  author  of  "  How  I 
Traced  a  Lame  Man  Through  Michigan,  and 
Other  Felonies."  They  grappled  with  the  ciph- 
er, and  several  of  them  leaned  up  against  some- 
thing and  thought  for  a  long  time,  but  they 
could  make  neither  head  nor  tail  to  it.  Ignatius 
Donnelly  took  a  powerful  dose  of  kumiss,  and 
under  its  maddening  influence  sought  to  solve 
the  great  problem  which  threatened  to  engulf 
the  nation's  surplus.  All  was  in  vain.  Cowed 
and  defeated,  the  able  conservators  of  coin,  who 
require  a  man  to  be  identified  before  he  can 
draw  on  his  overshoes  at  sight,  had  to  acknowl- 
edge if  this  thing  continued  it  threatened  the 
destruction  of  tlie  entire  national  fabric. 

About  this  time  I  was  calling  at  the  First  Na- 
tional Bank  of  Chicago,  the  greatest  bank,  if  I 
am  not  mistaken,  in  America.  I  saw  the  bonds 
securing  its  issue  of  national  currency  the  other 


84  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

day  in  "Washington,  and  I  am  quite  sure  the  cus- 
todian told  me  it  was  the  gi'eatest  of  any  bank  in 
the  Union.  Anyway,  it  was  sufficient,  so  that  I 
felt  like  doing  my  banking  business  there  when- 
ever it  became  handy  to  do  so. 

I  asked  for  a  certificate  of  deposit  for  $2,000, 
and  had  the  money  to  pay  for  it,  but  I  had  to  be 
identified.  "  Why,"  I  said  to  the  receiving  tel- 
ler, "  surely  you  don't  require  a  man  to  be  identi- 
fied when  he  deposits  money,  do  you  ?  " 

"  Yes,  that's  the  idea." 

"  Well,  isn't  that  a  new  twist  on  the  crippled 
industries  of  this  country?" 

"  No  ;  that's  our  rule.  Hurry  up,  please,  and 
don't  keep  men  waiting  who  have  money  and 
know  how  to  do  business." 

"Well,  I  don't  want  to  obstruct  business,  of 
course,  but  suppose,  for  instance,  I  get  myself 
identified  by  a  man  I  know  and  a  man  you  know 
and  a  man  who  can  leave  his  business  and  come 
here  for  the  delirious  joy  of  identifying  me,  and 
you  admit  that  I  am  the  man  I  claim  to  be,  cor- 
responding as  to  description,  age,  sex,  etc.,  with 
the  man  I  advertise  myself  to  be,  how  would  it 
be  about  your  ability  to  identify  yourself  as  the 
man  you  claim  to  be  ?  I  go  all  over  Chicago, 
visiting  all  the  large    pork-packing  houses  in 


TB.E  PERILS  OF  IKDENTIFICATION .     35 

search  of  a  man  I  know,  and  who  is  intimate 
with  literary  people  like  me,  and  finally  we  will 
say,  I  tind  one  who  knows  me  and  who  knows 
you,  and  whom  you  know,  and  who  can  leave  his 
leaf  lard  long  enough  to  come  here  and  identify 
me  all  right.  Can  you  identify  yourself  in  such 
a  way  that  when  I  put  in  my  $2,000  you  will  not 
loan  it  upon  insufficient  security,  as  they  did  in 
Cincinnati  the  otlier  day,  as  soon  as  I  go  out  of 
town  ?  " 

"  Oh,  we  don't  care  especially  whether  you 
trade  here  or  not,  so  that  you  hurry  up  and  let 
other  people  have  a  chance.  Where  you  make 
a  mistake  is  in  trying  to  rehearse  a  piece  here 
instead  of  going  out  to  Lincoln  Park  or  some- 
where in  a  quiet  part  of  the  city.  Our  rules  are 
that  a  man  who  makes  a  deposit  here  must  be 
identified." 

"  All  right.    Do  you  know  Queen  Victoria  ?  " 

"No  sir;  I  do  not." 

"Well,  then,  there  is  no  use  in  disturbing  her. 
Do  you  know  any  other  of  the  crowned  heads'?" 

"No  sir." 

"  Well,  then,  do  you  know  President  Cleveland, 
or  any  of  the  Cabinet,  or  the  Senate  or  members 
of  the  House  ?  " 

"No." 


36  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

"That's  it,  you  see.  I  move  in  one  set  and 
you  in  another.  What  respectable  people  do 
you  know  ?  " 

"  I'll  have  to  ask  you  to  stand  aside,  I  guess, 
and  give  that  string  of  people  a  chance.  You 
have  no  right  to  take  up  my  time  in  this  way, 
Tlie  rules  of  the  bank  are  inflexible.  We  must 
know  who  you  are,  even  before  we  accept  your 
deposit." 

I  then  drew  from  my  pocket  a  copy  of  the  Sun- 
day World  which  contained  a  voluptuous  picture 
of  myself.  Eemoving  my  hat  and  making  a 
court  salaam  by  letting  out  four  additional 
joints  in  my  lithe  and  versatile  limbs,  I  asked  if 
any  further  identification  would  be  necessary. 

Hastily  closing  the  door  to  the  vault  and  jerk- 
ing the  combination,  he  said  that  would  be  satis- 
factory. I  was  then  permitted  to  deposit  in  the 
bank. 

I  do  not  know  why  I  should  always  be  regarded 
with  suspicion  wherever  I  go.  I  do  not  present 
the  appearance  of  a  man  who  is  steeped  in  crime, 
and  yet  when  I  put  my  trivial,  little,  two-gallon 
valise  on  the  seat  of  a  depot  waiting-room  a  big 
man  with  a  red  mustache  comes  to  me  and  hisses 
through  his  clenched  teeth  :  "  Take  yer  baggage 
off  the  seat !  "    It  is  so  everywhere.    I  apologize 


THE  PERILS  OF  IDENTIFICATION.    37 

for  disturbing  a  ticket  agent  long  enough  to  sell 
me  a  ticket,  and  he  tries  to  jump  through  a  little 
brass  wicket  and  throttle  me.  Other  men  come 
in  and  say:  "Give  me  a  ticket  for  Bandoline,  O., 
and  be  dam  sudden  about  it,  too,"  and  they  get 
their  ticket  and  go  aboard  the  car  and  get  the  best 
seat,  while  I  am  begging  for  the  opportunity  to 
buy  a  seat  at  full  rates  and  then  ride  in  the  wood 
box.  I  believe  that  common  courtesy  and  de- 
cency in  America  needs  protection.  Go  into  an 
hotel  or  a  hotel,  whichever  suits  the  eyether  and 
nyether  reader  of  these  lines,  and  the  commer- 
cial man  who  travels  for  a  big  sausage-casing 
house  in  New  York  has  the  bridal  chamber, 
while  the  meek  and  lowly  minister  of  the  Gospel 
gets  a  wall-pocket  room  with  a  cot,  a  slippery- 
elm  towel,  a  cake  of  cast-iron  soap,  a  discon- 
nected bell,  a  view  of  the  laundry,  a  tin  roof  and 
$4  a  day. 

But  I  digress.  I  was  speaking  of  the  bank 
check  cipher.  At  the  First  National  Bank  I 
was  shown  another  of  these  remarkable  indorse- 
ments.   It  read  as  follows : 

Dear  Sir:  This  will  be  your  pay  for  chickens  and  other 
fowls  received  up  to  the  first  of  the  present  month.  Time 
is  working-  wondrous  changes  in  your  chickens.  They  are 
not  such  chickens  as  we  used  tp  get  of  you  before  the  war. 
They  may  iK"  "^iie  same  chickens,  but  oh !  how  changed  tey 


38  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

the  lapse  of  time!  How  much  more  indestructible!  HoM 
they  have  learned  since  then  to  defy  the  encroaching  tooth 
of  remorseless  ages,  or  any  other  man !  Why  do  you  not 
have  them  tender  like  your  squashes  !  I  found  a  blue 
poker  chip  in  your  butter  this  week.  "What  shall  I  credit 
myself  for  it?  If  you  would  try  to  work  your  butter  more 
and  your  customers  less  it  would  be  highly  appreciated, 
especially  by,  yours  truly,  W. 

Looking  at  the  signature  on  the  check  itself  ,1 
found  it  to  be  that  of  Mrs.  James  Wexford,  of 
this  city.  Knowing  Mr.  Wexford,  a  wealthy 
and  influential  publisher  here,  I  asked  him  to- 
day if  he  knew  anything  about  this  matter.  He 
said  that  all  he  knew  about  it  was  that  his  wife 
had  a  separate  bank  account,  and  had  asked  him 
several  months  ago  what  was  the  use  of  all  the 
blank  space  on  the  back  of  a  check,  and  why  it 
couldn't  be  tised  for  correspondence  with  the 
remittee.  Mr.  Wexford  said  he'd  bet  $500  that 
his  wife  had  been  using  her  checks  that  way,  for 
he  said  he  never  knew  of  a  woman  who  could 
possibly  pay  postage  on  a  note,  remittance  or 
anything  else  unless  every  particle  of  the  surface 
had  been  written  over  in  a  wild,  delirious,  three- 
story  hand.  Later  on  I  found  that  he  was 
right  about  it.  His  wife  had  been  saving  the 
grocer  and  the  butter-man  on  the  back  of  her 
checks.    Thus  ended  the  great  bank  mystery. 


TEE  PERILS  OF  IDENTIFICATION.     39 

I  will  close  this  letter  with  a  little  incident 
the  story  of  which  may  not  be  so  startling,  but 
it  is  true.  It  is  a  story  of  child  faith.  Johnny 
Quinlan,  of  Evanston,  has  the  most  wonderful 
confidence  in  the  efficacy  of  prayer,  but  he  thinks 
that  prayer  does  not  succeed  unless  it  is  accom- 
panied with  considerable  physical  strength.  He 
believes  that  adult  prayer  is  a  good  thing,  but 
doubts  the  efficacy  of  juvenile  prayer. 

He  has  wanted  a  Jersey  cow  for  a  good  while, 
and  tried  prayer,  but  it  didn't  seem  to  get  to  the 
central  office.  Last  year  he  went  to  a  neighbor 
who  is  a  Christian  and  believer  in  the  efficacy 
of  prayer,  also  the  owner  of  a  Jersey  cow. 

"  Do  you  believe  that  prayer  will  bring  me  a 
yaller  Jersey  cow  ?  "  said  Johnny. 

"  Why,  yes,  of  course.  Prayer  will  remove 
mountains ;  it  will  do  anything. 

"Well,  then,  suppose  you  give  me  the  cow 
you've  got  and  pray  for  another  one." 


fi   patl?er's  Cetter. 

my  DEAE  SON  :  We  got  your  last  letter 
some  three  days  ago.  It  found  us  all 
moderately  "well  though  not  very  frisky. 

Your  letters  now  days  are  getting  quite  pretty 
as  regards  penmanship.  You  are  certainly  go- 
ing to  develop  into  a  fine  penman  your  mother 
thinks.  She  says  that  if  you  improve  as  fast  in 
your  writing  next  year  as  you  have  last,  you  will 
soon  be  writing  for  the  papers. 

In  my  mind's  eye  I  can  see  you  there  in  your 
room  practicing  for  a  long  time  on  a  spiral  spring 
which  you  make  with  your  pen.  I  believe  you 
call  it  the  whole  arm  movement.  I  think  you 
got  the  idea  from  me.  You  remember  I  used  to 
have  a  whole  arm  movement  that  I  introduced 
into  our  family  along  in  the  summer  of  '69. 
You  was  at  that  time  trying  to  learn  to  swim. 
Once  or  twice  the  neighbors  brought  you  home 
with  your  lungs  full  of  river  water  and  your 
ears  full  of  coarse  sand.  We  pumped  you  dry 
several  times,  but  it  did  not  wean  you  from  the 


A  FATHER'S  LETTER.  41 

river,  so  I  introduced  the  whole  arm  mo\iBment. 
one  day  and  used  it  from  that  on  in  what  you 
would  call  our  curric  kulum.    It  worked  well. 

Your  letters  are  now  very  attractive  from  a 
scientific  standpoint.  The  letters  all  have  pret- 
ty little  curly  tails  on  them,  and  though  you  do 
not  always  spell  according  to  Gunter,  the  capi- 
tal letters  are  as  pretty  as  a  picture.  I  never  saw 
such  a  round  O  as  you  make  when  you  hang 
your  tongue  out  and  begin  to  swing  yourself. 
Your  mother  says  that  your  great-uncle  on  her 
side  was  a  good  writer  too.  He  could  draw  off 
a  turtle  dove  without  taking  his  pen  from  the 
paper,  and  most  everybody  would  know  as  soon 
as  they  looked  at  it  that  it  was  a  turtle  dove  or 
some  such  bird  as  that. 

He  could  also  draw  a  deer  with  coil  spring 
horns  on  him,  and  a  barbed  wire  fence  to  it,  and 
a  scolloped  tail,  and  it  looked  as  much  like  a 
deer  as  anything  else  you  could  think  of. 

He  was  a  fine  penman  and  wrote  a  good  deal 
for  the  papers.  Your  mother  has  got  a  lot  of 
his  pieces  in  the  house  yet,  which  the  papers 
sent  back  because  they  were  busy  and  crowded 
full  of  other  stuff.  I  read  some  of  these  letters, 
and  any  one  can  see  that  it  was  a  great  sacrifice 
^or  the  editors  to  send  the  pieces  back,  but  thev 


42  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

had  got  used  to  it  and  conquered  their  own  per- 
sonal feelings,  and  sent  them  back  because  they 
were  too  good  for  the  plain,  untutored  reader. 
One  editor  said  that  he  did  not  want  to  print 
the  enclosed  pieces  because  he  thought  it  would 
be  a  pity  to  place  such  pretty  writing  in  the 
soiled  hands  of  the  practical  printer.  He  said 
that  the  manuscript  looked  so  pretty  just  as  it 
was,  that  he  hadn't  the  heart  to  send  it  into  the 
composing  room.  So  the  day  may  not  be  far 
away,  Henry,  when  you  can  write  for  the  press, 
your  mother  thinks.  I  don't  care  so  much  about 
it  myself,  but  she  has  her  heart  set  on  it.  Your 
mother  thinks  that  you  are  a  great  man,  though 
I  have  not  detected  any  symptoms  of  it  yet.  She 
has  got  that  last  pen  scroll  work  here  of  yours 
in  the  bible,  where  she  can  look  at  it  every  day. 
Its  the  picture  of  a  hen  setting  in  a  nest  of  cur- 
ly-cues made  with  red  ink,  over  a  woven  wire 
mattress  of  dewdads  in  blue  ink,  and  some  tall 
grass  in  violet  ink.  Your  mother  says  that 
this  fowl  is  also  a  turtle  dove,  but  I  think  she  is 
wrong. 

She  says  the  world  has  always  got  a  warm 
place  for  one  who  can  make  such  a  beautiful 
picture  without  taking  his  pen  off  the  paper. 
Perhaps  she  is  right.    .'"  hope  that  you  will  not 


A  FATHER'S  LETTER.  48 

take  me  for  an  example,  for  I  am  no  writer  at 
all.  My  parents  couldn't  give  me  any  advan- 
tages when  I  was  young.  When  I  ought  to  have 
been  learning  how  to  make  a  red  ink  bird  of 
paradise  swooping  down  on  a  violet  ink  butter- 
fly with  green  horns,  I  was  frittering  away  my 
time  trying  to  keep  my  misguided  parents  out 
of  the  poor-house. 

I  tell  you,  Henry,  there  was  mighty  little  fluff 
and  bloom  and  funny  business  in  my  young  life. 
While  you  are  acquiring  the  rudiments  of  Long 
Dennis  and  polo  and  penmanship,  and  storing 
your  mind  with  useful  knowledge  with  which 
to  parlize  your  poor  parents  when  you  come 
home,  do  not  forget,  Henry,  that  your  old  sway- 
back  father  never  had  those  opportunities  for 
soaking  his  system  full  of  useful  knowledge 
which  you  now  enjoy.  When  I  was  your  age,  I 
was  helping  to  jerk  the  smutty  logs  off  of  a  new 
farm  with  a  pair  of  red  and  restless  steers,  in 
the  interest  of  your  grandfather. 

But,  I  do  not  repine.  I  just  simply  call  your 
attention  to  your  priviledges.  Could  you  have  a 
Summer  in  the  heart  of  the  primeval  forest, 
thrown  in  contact  with  a  pair  of  high-strung 
steers  and  a  large  number  of  black  flies  of  the 
most  malignant  type,  "snaking"  half-burnt  logs 


44  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

across  yourself  and  fighting  flies  from  early 
dawn  till  set  of  sun,  you  would  be  willing,  nay 
tickled,  to  go  back  to  your  monotonous  round  of 
base  ball  and  Suffolk  jackets  and  pest-house 
cigarettes. 

"We  rather  expected  you  home  some  time  ago, 
but  you  said  you  needed  sea  air  and  change  of 
scene,  so  you  will  not  be  home  very  likely  till  the 
latter  part  of  the  month.  We  will  be  glad  to  see 
you  any  time,  Henry,  and  we  will  try  to  make 
it  as  pleasant  as  we  can  for  you.  Your  mother 
got  me  to  fill  the  big  straw-tick  for  your  bed 
again,  so  that  you  would  have  a  nice  tall  place 
to  sleep,  and  so  that  you  could  live  high,  as  the 
feller  said. 

I  tried  on  the  old  velocipede  pants  you  sent 
iiome  last  week.  They  are  too  short  for  me  with 
the  style  of  legs  I  am  using  this  Summer.  Your 
bathing  pants  are  also  too  short  for  me,  so  I 
gave  them  to  a  poor  woman  here  who  is  trying 
to  ameliorate  the  condition  of  her  sex. 

I  send  yoix  our  love  and  $9  in  money.  We  will 
(sell  the  other  calf  as  soon  as  it  is  ripe.  Chintz 
bugs  are  rather  more  robust  than  last  year,  and 
the  mortgage  on  our  place  looks  as  if  it  might 
mature  prematurely.  We  had  a  lecture  on  phre- 
noV)gy  at  the  school-house  Tuesday  night,  during 


A  FATHEB'S  LETTER.  45 

which  four  of  our  this  spring's  roan  turkies 
wandered  so  far  away  from  home  that  they  lost 
their  bearings  and  never  came  back  again.  So 
good-by  for  this  time.  Yom-  father, 

Bill  Nybi 


©pe  /)zt^^  at  j\of[\e, 

IT  HAS  been  my  good  fortune  within  the  past 
ten  years  to  witness  a  number  of  the  re- 
maining landmai'ks  left  to  indicate  the  trail 
of  the  original  inhabitant  of  this  country.  It 
has  been  a  pleasure,  and  yet  a  kind  of  sad  plea- 
sure, to  examine  the  crumbling  ruins  of  what 
was  once  regarded,  no  doubt,  as  the  very  tri- 
umph of  aboriginal  taste  and  mechanical  in- 
genuity. 

I  can  take  but  a  cursory  glance  ,at  these  ear- 
marks of  a  forgotten  age,  for  a  short  treatise 
like  this  cannot  embrace  minute  details,  of 
course. 

We  are  told  by  the  historian  that  there  were 
originally  two  distinct  classes  of  Indians  occupy- 
ing the  territory  now  embraced  by  the  United 
States,  viz.,  the  village  Indians  or  horticultural 
Indians,  and  the  extremely  rural  Indians  or  non- 
horticultural  variety. 

The  village  Indians  or  horticulturalists  sub- 


TEE  AZTEC  A  T  HOME.  4* 

sisted  upon  traits  and  grain,  ground  in  a  crude 
way,  while  the  non-horticulturalists  lived  on 
wild  game,  berries,  acorns  and  pilgrims. 

Of  the  latter  class  few  traces  remain,  except- 
ing rude  arrow  heads  and  coarse  stone  weapons. 
These  articles  show  very  little  skill  as  a  rule, 
the  only  indication  of  brains  that  I  ever  dis- 
covered being  on  a  large  stone  hammer  or  Mo- 
hawk swatter,  and  they  were  not  the  brains  of 
the  man  who  made  it  either. 

The  village  Indians,  however,  were  architects 
from  away  up  the  gulch. 

They  constructed  a  number  of  architectural 
works  of  great  beauty,  several  of  which  I  have 
visited.  They  were  once,  no  doubt,  regarded  as 
very  desirable  residences,  but  now,  alas,  they 
have  fallen  into  innocuous  desuetude — at  least 
that  is  what  it  looked  like  to  me,  and  the  odor 
reminded  me  of  innocuous  desuetude  in  a  bad 
state  of  preservation. 

In  New  Mexico,  over  300  years  ago,  there 
were  built  a  number  of  pereblos  or  villages 
which  still  stand  up,  in  a  measure,  though  some 
of  them  are  in  a  recumbent  position.  These 
pereblos  or  villages  are  formed  of  three  or  four 
buildings  constructed  in  the  retrousse  style  of 
architecture,  and  made  of  adobe  bricks.    These 


4B  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

bricks  are  generally  of  a  beautiful,  soft,  black 
and  tan  color,  and  at  a  distance  look  like  the 
first  loaf  of  bread  baked  by  a  young  lady  who 
has  been  reared  in  luxury  but  whose  father  has 
been  suddenly  called  away  to  Canada.  The 
adobe  brick  is  said  to  be  so  indigestible,  in  fact, 
that  I  am  confident  the  day  is  not  far  distant 
when  it  will  be  found  on  every  hotel  bill  of 
fare  in  our  broad  sin-cursed  land. 

One  of  these  dwellings  was  generally  about 
200  feet  long,  with  no  stairways  in  the  in- 
terior, but  movable  ladders  on  the  outside 
instead.  This  manner  of  reaching  the  upper 
floor  had  its  advantages,  and  yet  it  was  not  al- 
ways convenient.  One  feature  in  its  favor  was 
the  isolation  which  a  man  could  pull  around 
himself  by  going  in  at  the  second-story  window 
and  pulling  the  ladder  up  after  him,  as  there  was 
no  entrance  to  the  house  on  the  ground  floor. 
If  a  man  really  courted  retirement,  and  wanted 
to  write  a  humorous  lecture  or  a  $2  homily,  he 
could  insert  himself  through  the  second-story 
window,  pull  in  the  staircase  and  go  to  work. 
Then  no  one  could  disturb  him  without  bribing 
a  hook  and  ladder  company  to  come  along  and 
let  him  in. 

But  the  great  drawback  was  the  annoyance 


'      THE  AZTEC  Al  HOME.  49 

incident  to  ascending  these  ladders  at  a  ftite 
hour  in  the  night,  wliile  under  the  influence  of 
Aztec  rum,  a  very  seductive  yet  violently  intox- 
icating beverage,  containing  about  eight  parts 
cheer  to  ninety-two  parts  inebriate. 

These  residences  were  hardly  gothic  in  style, 
being  extremely  rectangular,  with  a  tendency 
toward  the  more  modern  dry-goods  box.  It  is 
believed  by  abler  men  than  I  am,  men  who 
could  believe  more  in  two  minutes  than  I  could 
believe  in  a  lifetime  if  I  had  nothing  else  to  do, 
that  those  houses  contained  about  thirty-eight 
apartments  on  the  first  floor  and  nineteen  on 
the  second.  These  apartments  were  separated 
by  some  kind  of  cheap  and  transitory  partition, 
which  could  not  stand  the  climatic  changes,  and 
so  has  gone  to  decay  ;  but  these  Indians  were 
determined  to  have  their  rooms  separated  in 
some  way,  for  they  were  very  polite  and  deco- 
rous to  a  fault.  ISTo  Aztec  gentleman  would 
emerge  from  his  room  until  he  had  completed 
his  toilet,  if  it  cost  him  his  position. 

I  once  heard  of  an  Aztec  who  lived  away  down 
in  old  Mexico  somewhere  several  centuries  ago 
and  who  was  the  pink  of  politeness.  He  wore 
full-dress  winter  and  summer,  the  whole  year 
round,  and  studied  a  large  work   on  etiquette 


50  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

every  evening.  At  night  he  would  undress 
himself  by  unhooking  the  german-silver  ring 
from  his  nose  and  hanging  it  on  the  back  of  a 
chair. 

One  night  a  young  man  from  the  capital, 
named  Ozone,  or  something  like  that,  a  relative 
of  the  Montezumas,  came  over  to  stay  a  week  or 
two  with  this  Aztec  dude.  As  a  good  joke  he 
slipped  in  and  nipped  the  nose-ring  of  his  friend 
just  to  see  if  he  would  so  far  violate  the  proprie- 
ties as  to  appear  at  breakfast  time  without  it. 

Morning  came  and  the  dude  awoke  to  find  the 
bright  rays  of  a  Mexican  sun  streaming  in 
through  his  casement.  He  rose,  and,  bathing 
bimself  in  a  gourd,  he  looked  on  the  back  of  the 
chair  for  his  clothing,  but  it  was  not  there.  A 
cold  perspiration  broke  out  all  over  him.  He 
called  for  assistance,  but  no  one  came.  He 
called  again  and  again,  louder  and  still  more 
loud,  but  help  came  not.  He  went  to  the  case- 
ment and  looked  out  upon  the  plaza.  The  plaza 
did  not  tiu'n  away.  A  Mexican  plaza  is  not  easi- 
ly dashed. 

He  called  till  he  was  hoarse,  but  all  was  still 
in  the  house.  Hollow  echoes  alone  came  back 
to  him  to  mock  him. 

At  night,  when  the  rest  of  the  household  re- 


THE  AZTEC  AT  HOME.  51 

turned  from  a  protracted  picnic  in  the  distant 
hills,  yoimg  Ozone  ascended  the  ladder  which  he 
carried  with  him  in  a  shawl-strap,  and  entering 
the  room  of  the  Aztec  dude  gave  him  the  nose- 
ring with  a  hearty  laugh,  but,  alas !  he  was 
greeted  with  the  wild,  piercing  shriek  of  a  ma- 
niac robbed  of  his  clothing ;  the  man  had  suffered 
such  mental  tortures  during  the  long,  long  day, 
that  when  night  came,  reason  tottered  on  her 
throne.  It  is  said  that  he  never  regained  his 
faculties,  but  would  always  greet  his  visitors 
with  a  wild  forty-cent  shriek  and  bury  his  face 
in  his  hands.  His  friends  tried  to  get  him  into 
society  again,  but  he  could  not  be  prevailed  upon 
to  go.  He  seemed  to  be  afraid  that  he  would  be 
shocked  in  some  way,  or  that  some  one  might 
take  advantage  of  him  and  read  an  immoral 
poem  to  him. 


i9  Ti?<?  SoiJti?. 

ASHEVILLE,  N.  C,  December  9.— There  is 
no  place  in  the  United  States,  so  far  as  I 
know,  where  the  cow  is  more  versatile  or 
ambidextrous,  if  I  may  be  allowed  the  use  of  a 
term  that  is  far  above  my  station  in  life,  than 
here  in  the  mountains  of  North  Carolina,  where 
the  obese  'possum  and  the  anonymous  distiller 
have  their  homes. 

Not  only  is  the  Tar-heel  cow  the  author  of  a 
pale  but  athletic  style  of  butter,  but  in  her  lei- 
sure hours  she  aids  in  tilling  the  perpendicular 
farm  on  the  hillside,  or  draws  the  products  to 
market.  In  this  way  she  contrives  to  put  in  her 
time  to  the  best  advantage,  and  when  she  dies, 
it  casts  a  gloom  over  the  community  in  which 
she  has  resided. 

The  life  of  a  North  Carolina  cow  is  indeed 
fraught  with  various  changes  and  saturated  with 
a  zeal  which  is  praiseworthy  in  the  extreme. 
From  the  sunny  days  when  she  gambols  through 
the  beautiful  valleys,  inserting  her  black,  re- 
trousse and  perspiration-dotted  nose  in  to  the 


m  THE  SOUTH.  53 

blue  grass  from  ear  to  ear,  until  at  life's  close, 
when  every  part  and  portion  of  her  overworked 
system  is  tiu'ued  into  food,  raiment  or  overcoat 
buttons,  the  life  of  the  Tar-heel  cow  is  one  of  in- 
tense activity. 

Her  girlhood  is  short,  and  almost  before  we 
have  deemed  her  emancipated  from  calfhood 
herself  we  find  her  in  the  capacity  of  a  mother. 
With  the  cares  of  maternity  other  demands  are 
quickly  made  upon  her.  She  is  obliged  to  ostra- 
cize herself  from  society,  and  enter  into  the  pro- 
saic details  of  producing  small,  pallid  globules 
of  butter,  the  very  pallor  of  which  so  thoroughly 
belies  its  lusty  strength. 

The  butter  she  turns  out  rapidly  until  it  be- 
gins to  be  worth  something,  when  she  suddenly 
suspends  publication  and  begins  to  haul  wood  to 
market.  In  this  great  work  she  is  assisted  by 
the  pearl-gray  or  ecru  colored  jackass  of  the  tepid 
South.  This  animal  has  been  referred  to  in  the 
newspapers  throughout  the  country,  and  yet  he 
never  ceases  to  be  an  object  of  the  greatest  in- 
terest. 

Jackasses  in  the  South  are  of  two  kinds,  viz., 
male  and  female.  Much  as  has  been  said  of  the 
jackass  pro  and  con,  I  do  not  remember  ever  to 
have  seen  the  above  statement  in  print  before. 


64  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

and  yet  it  is  as  trite  as  it  is  incontrovertible.  In 
>he  Rocky  mountains  we  call  this  animal  the 
burro.  There  he  packs  bacon,  flour  and  salt  to 
the  miners.  The  miners  eat  the  bacon  and  flour, 
and  with  the  salt  they  are  enabled  to  successfully 
salt  the  mines. 

The  burro  has  a  low,  contralto  voice  which 
ought  to  have  some  machine  oil  on  it.  The 
voice  of  this  animal  is  not  unpleasant  if  he 
would  pull  some  of  the  pathos  out  of  it  and  make 
it  more  joyous. 

^  Here  the  jackass  at  times  becomes  a  coworker 
with  the  cow  in  hauling  tobacco  and  other 
necessaries  of  life  into  town,  but  he  goes  no  fur- 
ther in  the  matter  of  assistance.  He  compels 
her  to  tread  the  cheese  press  alone  and  contrib- 
utes nothing  whatever  in  the  way  of  assistance 
for  the  butter  industry. 

The  North  Carolina  cow  is  frequently  seen 
here  driven  double  or  single  by  means  of  a 
small  rope  line  attached  to  a  tall,  emaciated 
gentleman,  who  is  generally  clothed  with  the 
divine  right  of  suffrage,  to  which  he  adds  a  small 
pair  of  ear-bods  during  the  holidays. 

The  cow  is  attached  to  each  shaft  and  a  small 
singletree,  or  swingletree,  by  means  of  a  broad 
strap  harness.     She  also  wears  a  breeching,  in 


m  THE  SOUTH.  65 

which  respect  she  frequently  has  the  advantage 
of  her  escort. 

I  think  I  have  never  witnessed  a  sadder  sight 
than  that  of  a  new  milch  cow,  torn  away  from 
home  and  friends  and  kindred  dear,  descending 
a  steep,  mountain  road  at  a  rapid  rate  and  striv- 
ing in  her  poor,  weak  manner  to  keep  out  of  tlie 
way  of  a  small  Jackson  democratic  wagon  loaded 
with  a  big  hogshead  full  of  tobacco.  It  seems 
to  me  so  totally  foreign  to  the  nature  of  the  cow 
to  enter  into  the  tobacco  traffic,  aline  of  business 
for  which  she  can  have  no  sympathy  and  in 
S^hich  she  certainly  can  feel  very  little  interest. 
Tobacco  of  the  very  finest  kind  is  produced 
here,  and  is  used  mainly  for  smoking  purposes. 
It  is  the  highest-priced  tobacco  produced  in  thia 
country.  A  tobacco  broker  here  yesterday  show- 
ed me  a  large  quantity  of  what  he  called  export 
tobacco.  It  looks  very  much  like  other  tobacco 
while  growing. 

He  says  that  foreigners  use  a  great  deal  of 
this  kind.  I  am  learning  all  about  the  ^-obacco 
industry  while  here,  aud  as  fast  as  I  get  hold  of 
any  new  facts  I  will  communicate  them  to  the 
press.  The  newspapers  of  this  country  have 
done  much  for  me,  not  only  by  publishing  many 
pleasant    things    about    me,    but    by  refraining 


•56  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

from  publishing  other  things  about  me,  and  so 
I  am  glad  to  be  able,  now  and  then,  to  repay  this 
kindness  by  furnishing  information  and  facts 
for  which  I  have  no  use  myself,  but  which  may 
be  of  incalculable  value  to  the  press. 

As  I  write  these  lines  I  am  informed  that  the 
snow  is  twenty-six  inches  deep  here  and  four 
feet  deep  at  High  Point  in  this  State.  People 
who  did  not  bring  in  their  pomegranates  last 
evening  are  bitterly  bewailing  their  thoughtless- 
ness to-day.  , 

A  great  many  people  come  here  from  various 
parts  of  the  world,  for  the  climate.  When  they 
have  remained  here  for  one  winter,  however, 
they  decide  to  leave  it  where  it  is. 

It  is  said  that  the  climate  here  is  very  much 
like  that  of  Turin.  But  I  did  not  intend  to  go 
to  Turin  even  before  I  heard  about  that. 

Please  send  my  paper  to  the  same  address,  and 
if  some  one  who  knows  a  good  remedy  for  chil- 
blains will  contribute  it  to  the  Sabbath  Globe, 
I  shall  watch  for  it  with  great  interest.  Yours 
as  here  2  4.  Bill  Nye. 

P.S. — I  should  have  said  relative  to  the  cows 
of  this  State  that  if  the  owners  would  work  their 
butter  more  and  their  cows  less,  they  Avould  confer 
a  great  boon  on  the  consumer  of  both.    B.  K. 


To  the  general  public  I  may  say  that  I  violate 
no  confidence  in  saying  that  spring  is  the 
most  joyful  season  of  the  year.  But  June  is 
also  a  good  mouth.  Well  has  the  poet  ejaculated, 
"  And  what  is  so  rare  as  a  day  in  June  ?  "  though 
I  have  seen  days  in  March  tliat  were  so  rare  that 
they  were  almost  raw.  This  is  not  a  weather 
report,  however.  I  started  out  to  state  that 
Central  Park  just  now  is  looking  its  very  best, 
and  opens  up  with  the  prospects  of  doing  a  good 
business  this  season.  A  ride  through  the  Park 
just  now  is.  a  delight  to  one  who  loves  to  com- 
mune with  nature,  especially  human  nature. 

The  nobility  of  New  York  now  turns  out  to 
get  the  glorious  air  and  ventilate  its  crest.  I  saw 
several  hundred  crests  and  coats-of-arms  the 
other  day  in  an  hour's  time,  and  it  was  rather  a 
poor  day,  too,  for  a  great  many  of  our  best 
people  are  just  changing  from  their  spring  to 
their  light,  summer  coats-of-arms. 
One  of  the  best  crests  I  saw  was  a  nice,  large. 


58  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

red  crest,  about  the  size  of  an  adult  rhubarb  pie, 
with  %  two-year-old  Durham  imicorn  above  it, 
bearing  in  his  talons  the  unique  maxim,  "  Sans 
culottes,  sans  snockemonthegob,  sans  ery  sipelas 
est." 

And  how  true  this  is,  too,  in  a  great  many 
cases. 

Another  very  handsome  crest  on  the  carriage 
of  the  Van  Studentickeis  consisted  of  a  towel- 
rack  penchant,  with  cockroach  regardant,  hold- 
ing in  his  beak  a  large  red  tape-worm  on  wiiich 
was  inscribed  :  "Spirituous  friunenti,  cum  homo 
to-morrow." 

Many  of  the  crests  contained  terse  Latin  mot- 
toes, taken  from  the  inscriptions  on  peppermint 
conversation  candies,  and  were  quite  cute.  A 
coat-of-arms,  consisting  of  a  small  Limburger 
cheese  couch  ant,  above  which  stood  a  large  can 
of  chloride  of  potash,  on  which  was  Inscribed  the 
words,  "Miss,  may  I  see  you  home  ?"  I  thought 
very  taking  and  just  mysterious  enough  to  make 
it  exciting. 

Some  day  I  am  going  to  get  myself  a  crest.  I 
Am  only  waiting  for  something  to  put  it  on.  It 
will  consist  of  a  monkey  with  his  eye  knocked 
out  and  a  bright  green  parrot  with  his  tail  pulled 
off,  and  over  this  the  simple  remark  :  "  We  have 


IN  THE  PARK.  8» 

had  a  high  old  time,"  or  words  to  that  effect. 

Kot  so  many  equestrians  were  out  as  usual  on 
the  day  I  visited  the  park,  but  those  who  were 
out  afforded  the  observer  a  beautiful  view  of  the 
park  between  their  persons'  and  the  saddle.  The 
equestriennes  were  more  numerous,  and  one  or 
two  especially  were  as  beautiful  as  anything  that 
nature  ever  turned  out.  One  young  woman,  in 
a  neat-fitting  plug  hat,  looked  to  me  like  a  peri. 
It  has  been  a  good  while  now  since  I  saw  a  peri, 
but  I  have  always  heard  them  very  highly  spoken 
of,  and  I  hope  she  will  not  be  offended  when  she 
reads  these  lines  and  finds  that  I  regard  her  in 
that  light. 

Carriage-horses  are  dressing  about  as  they  did 
last  season,  except  that  pon-pon  tails  are  more 
worn,  especially  at  the  end.  Keck-yokes  are  cut 
low  this  year  so  as  to  show  the  shoulders  of  the 
wearer,  and  horses  in  mourning  wear  their  tails 
at  half-mast. 

The  porous  plastron  is  not  in  favor  this  year, 
but  many  horses  who  interfere  are  wearing  life- 
preservers  over  the  fetlock,  and  sometimes  a 
small  chest-protector  of  russet  leather  over  the 
joint,  according  to  the  taste  of  the  wearer. 

Polka-dot  or  half-mourning  dogs  are  much  af- 
fected by  people  who  are  beginning  to  get  the 


60  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

upper  hand  of  their  grief.  Much  taste  is  sho^f) 
iB  the  selection  of  dogs  for  the  coming  season, 
and  many  owners  chain  their  coachman  to  the 
dog,  so  that  if  any  one  were  to  come  and  try  to 
abduct  the  dog  tlie  coachman  could  bite  him  and 
drive  him  away.  A  good  coachman  to  take  care 
of  a  watch-dog  is  almost  invaluable. 

A  custom  of  taking  the  butler  along  in  the  seat 
with  the  coachman  is  growing  in  favor  for  two 
reasons  :  First,  it  shows  that  you  have  a  butler, 
and,  second,  you  know  that  while  he  is  out  with 
you  he  is  not  putting  paste  in  the  place  of  your 
diamonds  at  home.  So  I  had  almost  said  that  it 
paste  to  do  this. 

The  ai;tomatic  or  jointless  footman  is  still 
popular,  and  a  young  man  who  has  a  good  turn- 
ing-lathe leg  and  an  air  of  impenetrable  gloom 
can  get  a  job  most  any  time. 

Many  Kew  York  gentlemen  who  are  fond  of 
driving  take  their  grooms  out  to  Central  Park 
every  afternoon  for  an  airing.  This  is  a  wise 
provision,  for  those  who  have  associated  much 
with  grooms  will  agree  with  me  that  a  little  air- 
ing now  and  then  is  just  what  they  need. 

There  ought  to  be  a  book  of  park  etiquette 
printed  soon,  however,  for  the  guidance  of  its 
pa'TODS.  In  the  first  place,  it  should  be  considere<J. 


IN  THE  PARK.  61 

/otre  for  ^  gfsntleman  to  hire  a  coupe  by  the 
tour  In  order  to  recover  from  alcoholic  prostra- 
tion, and  then  sleep  up  and  down  the  drive  with 
his  feet  out  the  \>dndow.  It  is  not  respectful, 
and  besides  that  the  Wood  is  liable  to  all  rush  to 
his  head. 

Drunken  cab-driveis,  too,  should  not  be  per- 
mitted to  drive  in  the  park,  for  only  a  little 
.while  ago  one  of  them  is  &aid  to  have  fallen  from 
his  high  perch  and  injured  Ais  crest. 

A  park  policeman  should  be  specially  detailed 
as  a  breath  tester  to  stand  at  each  entrance  and 
smell  the  breath  of  all  drivers  ai^d  other  patrons 
of  the  park.    Let  us  enforce  the  law. 

But  the  most  curious  feature  about  the  exhibi- 
tion afternoon  spin  in  the  Park  is  the  great  prev- 
alence of  mourning  symbols.  Almost,  if  not  quite, 
one-third  of  the  carriages  one  meets  is  decorated 
with  black  in  every  possible  way,  till  sometimes 
it  looks  like  a  runaway  funeral  procession. 

Why  people  should  come  to  Central  Park  to 
advertise  their  woe  by  means  of  long  black 
mourning  tassels  at  their  horses'  heads  and  a 
draped  driver  with  broad  bands  of  bombazine 
concealing  the  russet  tops  of  his  boots,  some- 
times dressed  in  black  throughout,  is  more  than 
I  can  understand,. 


62  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

The  honest,  earnest  and  genuine  affection  of  a 
good  woman  for  a  worthy  man,  alive  or  dead,  is 
too  sacred  to  treat  lightly  and  the  love  that  sur- 
vives the  wreck  and  ruin  of  gathering  years  has 
inspired  more  than  one  man  to  deeds  of  daring 
whereby  he  has  won  everlasting  renown,  but  the 
woe  that  is  divided  up  among  the  servants  and 
shared  in  by  the  horses  is  not  in  good  taste,  it  i.'i 
not  in  good  order  and  there  are  flies  on  it. 

It  is  like  saying  to  the  world  come  and  see  how 
I  suffer.  It  is  parading  youi-  sore  toe  in  Central 
Park,  where  people  with  sore  toes  are  not  sup- 
posed to  congregate.  It  is  like  a  widow  wailing 
her  woe  through  the  "Want"  column  of  a 
healthy  morning  paper.  It  is,  in  effect,  saying 
to  Christendom,  come  and  hear  me  snort  and  see 
me  paw  up  the  ground  in  my  paroxysms  of  wild 
and  unconti-ollable  anguish.  My  grief  is  of  such 
a  penetrating  nature  and  of  that  searching 
variety  that  it  has  broken  out  at  the  barn,  and 
even  the  horses  that  I  bought  two  weeks  after 
the  funeral,  with  a  part  of  the  life  insurance 
money,  have  gone  into  mourning,  and  the  coach- 
man who  got  here  day  before  yesterday  from 
Liverpool  has  tied  himself  up  in  black  bombazine 
and  takes  special  delight  in  advertising  our 
sorrow. 


IN  THE  PABK.  65 

I  do  not  belieye  that  it  will  always  be  popular 
to  wear  mourning  for  our  friends  unless  we  feel 
a  little  doubtful  about  where  they  went. 

Blaek  is  olfensive  to  the  eye,  offensive  to  the 
nose,  and  it  makes  your  flesh  crfepe  to  touch  it. 
Will  the  proofreader  please  deal  gently  with  the 
ubove  joke  and  I  will  do  as  much  for  him  some- 
time. 

Henry  Ward  Beecher  had  the  right  idea  of  the 
way  to  treat  death,  and  when  at  last  it  came  his 
turn  to  die  his  home  and  his  church  both  seemed 
to  say  :  "  The  great  preacher  is  gone,  but  there 
is  nothing  about  the  change  that  is  sad." 

There  is  something  the  matter  with  grief  that 
works  itself  up  into  black  rosettes  and  long  black 
banners  that  sweep  the  ground  and  shut  out  the 
sky  and  look  like  despair  and  feel  like  the  season- 
cracked  back  of  a  warty  dragon. 

But  wealth  lias  its  little  eccentricities  and  we 
must  bear  with  them.  But  he  alone  is  indeed 
rich  who  is  content  and  who  does  not  look  under 
the  bed  every  night  for  an  indictment.  Look  at 
poor  old  Mr.  Sharp,  with  his  stock  of  Aldermen 
depreciating  on  his  hands — men  for  whom  he 
paid  a  big  price  only  a  few  years  ago  and  who 
would  not  attract  attention  now  on  a  ten-cent 
counter,  while  he  don't  feel  very  well  himself. 


64  BILL  NYBS  SPARKS. 

No,  I  would  not  swap  places  with  J.  Sbarp  and 
ride  through  Central  Park  behind  a  pair  of  rip, 
snorting  horses,  with  mourning.rosettes  o'a  their 
heads,  and  feel  that  I  must  hurry  back  to  help 
select  an  unprejudiced  jury.  I  would  vather 
hang  on  to  the  brow  of  a  Broadway  car  til)  Xgot 
to  Fifty-second  street,  and  then  stroll  over  to 
the  menagerie  and  feed  red  pepper  to  the  Saf'-red 
Cow  and  have  a  good,  plain,  quiet  time  tha"  to 
wear  fine  clothes  and  be  wealthy  ai.d  hate  my- 
self all  the  time.  I  believe  that  I  am  happier  in 
my  untroubled,  dreamless  sleep  on  my  quiet 
couch,  which  draws  a  salary  during  the  dayti'iae 
as  an  upright  piano  ;  happier  browsing  about  at 
a  different  restaurant  each  day,  so  that  tne 
waiters  will  not  get  well  acquainted  with  me 
and  expect  me  to  give  them  the  money  that  I  am 
saving  up  to  go  to  Europe  with ;  happier,  I  sav, 
to  be  thus  tossed  about  on  the  bosom  of  the  great, 
heaving  human  tide  than  to  have  forty  or  fifi'y 
millions  of  dollars  concealed  about  my  person 
that  I  cannot  remember  how  I  obtained. 

I  dislike  notoriety,  and  nothing  irritates  rue 
more  than  the  coarse  curiosity  of  people  who 
ride  at  night  in  the  elevated  trains  and  peer  idly 
into  my  room  as  I  toil  over  my  sewing  or  ^o 
gayly  abcut  humming  a  simple  air  as  I  prepa*^ 


IN  THE  PARK.  65 

the  evening  meal  over  my  cute  little  portable  oil 
stove,  and  though  I  have  not  courted  this  in- 
terest on  the  part  of  the  people,  and  though  1 
would  prefer  to  live  less  in  the  eye  of  the  public, 
I  feel  that,  occupying  the  position  I  do,  I  cannot 
expect  to  ^yholly  consult  my  own  wishes  in  the 
matter,  and  I  am  content  to  live  quietly  and 
enjoy  good  health  rather  than  wear  good  clothes 
and  feel  rocky  all  the  time. 

I  would  rather  have  a  healthy  alimentary 
Than  be  garrvished  all  over  with  passementerie. 


Ciberty  59li$i7tepi9^  tl?(?  U/orld. 

yj^HEN  Patrick  Henry  put  his  old  cast-iron 
III  spectacles  on  the  top  of  his  head  and 
whoopev'i  for  llbexry,  he  did  not  know  that 
some  day  we  Wv«juM  have  more  of  it  than  we 
knew  what  to  do  with.  He  little  dreamed  that 
the  time  would  come  when  we  would  ha've  more 
liberty  than  we  could  pay  for.  When  Mr.  Henry 
sawed  the  air  and  shouted  for  liberty  or  death, 
I  do  not  believe  that  he  knew  the  time  would 
one  day  come  when  Liberty  would  stand  knee 
deep  in  the  mud  of  Bedloe's  Island  and  yearn 
for  a  solid  place  to  stand  upon. 

It  seems  to  me  that  we  have  too  much  liberty  in 
this  couDtry  in  some  ways.  "We  have  more  liberty 
than  we  have  money.  "We  guarantee  that  every 
man  in  America  shall  fill  himself  up  full  of  lib- 
erty at  our  expense,  and  the  less  of  an  American 
he  is  the  more  liberty  he  can  have.  If  he  desires 
to  enjoy  himself,  all  he  needs  is  a  slight  foreign 
accent  and  a  willingness  to  mix  up  with  politics 


LIBEBTY  ENLIGHTENING.  67 

as  soon  as  he  can  get  his  baggage  off  the  steam- 
er. The  more  I  study  American  institutions 
the  more  I  regret  that  I  was  not  born  a  foreign- 
er, so  that  I  could  have  something  to  say  about 
the  management  of  our  great  land.  If  I  could 
not  be  a  foreigner,  I  believe  I  would  prefer  to 
be  a  Moi'mon  or  an  Indian  not  taxed. 

I  am  often  led  to  ask,  in  the  language  of  the 
poet,  "Is  the  Caucasian  played  out?"  Most 
everybody  can  have  a  good  deal  of  fun  in  this 
country  except  the  American.  He  seems  to  be 
so  busy  paying  his  taxes  all  the  time  that  he  has 
very  little  time  to  mingle  in  the  giddy  whirl 
with  the  alien.  That  is  the  reason  that  the 
alien  who  rides  across  the  United  States  on  the 
"  Limited  Mail  "  and  writes  a  book  about  us  be- 
fore breakfast  wonders  why  we  are  always  in  a 
hurry.  That  is  the  reason  we  have  to  throw 
our  meals  into  ourselves  with  a  dull  thud, 
and  hardly  have  time  to  maintain  a  warm  per- 
gonal friendship  with  our  families. 

We  do  not  care  much  for  wealth,  but  we  must 
have  freedom,  and  freedom  costs  money.  We 
have  advertised  to  furnish  a  bunch  of  freedom 
to  every  man,  woman  or  child  who  comes  to  our 
shores,  and  we  are  going  to  deliver  the  good« 
whether  we  have  any  left  for  ourselves  or  not. 


68  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

What  would  the  great  world  beyond  the  seas 
say  to  ns  if  some  day  the  blue-eyed  Mormon, 
with  his  heart  full  of  love  for  our  female  semi- 
naries and  our  old  women's  homes,  should  land 
upon  our  coasts  and  find  that  we  were  using 
all  the  liberty  ourselves  V  "What  do  we  want 
of  liberty  anyhow  ?  What  could  we  do 
with  it  if  we  had  it?  It  takes  a  man  of  lei- 
sure to  enjoy  liberty,  and  we  have  no  leisure 
whatever.  It  is  a  good  thing  to  keep  in  the 
house  "for  the  use  of  guests  only,"  but  we  don't 
need  it  for  ourselves. 

Therefore,  I  am  in  favor  of  a  statue  of  Liberty 
Enlightening  the  World,  because  it  will  show 
that  we  keep  it  on  tap  winter  and  summer.  We 
want  the  whole  broad  world  to  remember  that 
when  it  gets  tired  of  oppression  it  can  come  here 
to  America  and  oppress  us.  We  are  used  to  it, 
and  we  rather  like  it.  If  we  don't  like  it,  we 
can  get  on  the  steamer  and  go  abroad,  where  we 
may  visit  the  effete  monarchies  and  have  a  high 
old  time. 

The  sight  of  the  Goddess  of  Liberty  standing 
there  in  I^Tew  York  harbor  night  and  day,  bath- 
ing her  feet  in  the  rippling  sea,  will  be  a  good 
thing.  It  will  be  first-rate.  It  may  also  be  pro- 
ductive of  good  in  a  direction  that  many  have 


LIBERTY  ENLIGHTENING.  69 

not  thought  of.  As  she  stands  there  day  after 
day,  bathing  her  feet  in  the  broad  Atlantic,  per- 
haps some  moss-grown  Mormon  moving  toward 
the  Far  "West,  a  confirmed  victim  of  the  matri- 
monial habit,  may  fix  the  bright  picture  in  his 
so-called  mind,  and  remembering  how,  on  his 
arrival  in  New  York,  he  saw  Liberty  bathing 
her  feet  with  impunity,  he  may  be  led  in  after 
years  to  try  it  on  himself. 


yyYHEKI  got  off  the  Pensylvania  train  yester- 
lll  day  I  went  to  a  barber  shop  before  I  did  any- 
thing else.  I  have  a  thick,  Venetian  red, 
chinchilla  beard,  which  grows  rapidly,  and  which 
gives  me  a  fuzzy  appearance  every  twenty-four 
hours,  unless  I  place  myself  frequently  into  the 
hands  of  a  barber.  At  first  I  used  to  shave  myself, 
but  I  cut  myself  to  pieces  in  such  a  sickening  man- 
ner, without  seeming  to  impede  the  growth  of 
the  rich  and  foxy  beard,  that  until  last  summer  I 
gave  up  being  my  own  barber.  At  that  time  I 
was  presented  with  a  safety  razor  which  the 
manufacturer  said  would  not  cut  my  face,  be- 
cause it  was  impossible  for  it  to  cut  anything  ex- 
cept the  beard.  The  safety  razor  resembles  in 
appearance  several  other  toilet  articles,  such  as 
the  spoke  shave,  the  road  scraper,  the  canopener, 
the  lawn  mower  and  the  turbine  water  wheel, 
but  it  does  not  look  like  a  razor.  It  also  looks 
like  a  carpet  sweeper  some,  and  reminds  me  of 
a  monkey  wrench.    It  is  said  that  you  can  shave 


HE  SEES  THE  CAPITAL.  71 

yourself  on  a  train  if  you  will  use  this  instrument. 
I  tried  it  once  last  winter  while  going  west.  In 
fact,  I  took  the  trip  largely  to  see  if  one  could 
shave  on  board  the  train  safely  with  this  razor. 
I  had  no  special  trouble.  At  least  I  did  not  cut 
off  any  features  that  I  cared  anything  about,  but 
I  was  disappointed  in  the  results,  and  also  in  the 
length  of  time  consumed  in  cleaning  the  razor 
after  I  got  through.  I  was  shaving  myself  only 
from  Forty-second  street  to  Albany,  but  it  took 
me  from  Albany  to  Omaha  to  pull  the  razor 
apart,  and  to  dig  out  the  coagulated  lather  and 
the  dear,  dear  whiskers.  I  now  employ  a  valet 
whose  name  is  Patria  McGloria.  He  irons  my 
trousers,  shaves  and  dresses  me,  and  mows  the 
lawn.  When  I  come  to  Washington,  I  am  too 
democratic  to  travel  with  a  valet,  fearing  that 
it  might  cost  me  several  thousand  votes  some 
day,  and  so  I  leave  my  maid  at  home  to  wash 
and  dress  the  salad.  In  that  way  he  does  not 
miss  me,  and  I  get  the  credit  at  Washington  of 
being  a  man  who  spends  so  much  time  thinking 
of  his  country's  welfare  that  he  doesn't  have  a 
chance  to  look  pretty. 

I  did  not  fall  into  a  very  gaudy  barber  shop. 
The  appointments  were  like  some  of  the  presi- 
dent's appointments,  I  thought — viz.,   in  poor 


72  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

taste,  but  this  is  not  a  political  letter.  1  do 
not  wish  to  antagonize  anybody,  especially  the 
president  of  the  United  States.  He  has  always 
treated  me  well. 

I  will  now  return  to  the  barber  shop.  It  was 
a  plain  structure,  with  beautiful  sarsaparilla 
pictures  here  and  there  on  the  walls  and  a  faint 
odor  of  rancid  pomatum  and  overworked  hair 
restoratives. 

There  were  three  chairs  richly  upholstered  in 
two-ply  carpeting  of  some  inflammatory  hue, 
with  large  vines  and  the  kind  of  flowers  which 
grow  on  carpets  but  nowhere  else.  I  have  seen 
blossoms  woven  into  ingrain  carpets,  varying  in 
color  from  a  dead  black  to  the  color  of  a  hepa- 
tized  lung,  but  I  have  never  seen  one  that  re- 
minded me  of  anything  I  ever  saw  in  natvire. 
The  chair  I  sat  in  also  had  springs  in  it.  They 
were  made  of  selections  from  the  Washington 
monument. 

The  barber  who  waited  on  me  asked  me  if  I 
wanted  a  shave.  A  great  many  barbers  ask  me 
this  during  the  year.  Sometimes  they  do  it  from 
habit,  and  sometimes  they  do  it  to  brighten  up 
my  life  and  bring  a  smile  to  my  wan  cheek.  As 
I  have  no  hair,  the  thinking  mind  naturally  and 
by  a  direct  course  of  reasoning  arrives  at  the 


HE  SEES  THE  CAPITAL.  78 

conclusion  that  when  I  go  into  a  barber  sliop 
and  climb  into  a  chair,  I  do  so  for  the  purpose  of 
getting  shaved  and  not  with  the  idea  of  having 
my  fortune  told  or  my  deposition  taken.  Still 
barbers  continue  to  ask  me  this  question  and 
look  at  each  other  with  ill  concealed  mirth. 

I  said  yes,  I  would  like  a  shave  unless  he  pre- 
ferred to  take  my  temperature,  or  amuse  me  by 
making  a  death  mask  of  himself.  He  then 
began  to  strap  a  large  razor  with  a  double  shuffle 
movement  and  to  size  me  up  at  the  same  time. 

He  was  a  colored  man,  but  he  had  lived  in 
Washington  a  long  time  and  knew  a  great  deal 
more  than  he  would  if  his  lot  had  fallen  else- 
where. He  spoke  with  some  feeling  and  fed  me 
with  about  the  most  unpalatable  lather  I  think 
I  ever  participated  in.  He  also  did  an  odd  thing 
when  he  went  for  the  second  time  over  my  face. 
I  never  have  noticed  tlie  custom  outside  of  that 
shop.  Most  barbers,  in  making  the  second  trip 
over  a  customer's  face,  moisten  one  side  at  a 
time  with  a  sponge  or  the  damp  hand  as  they 
go  along,  but  in  this  case  a  large  quantity  of 
lather  was  put  in  my  ear  and,  as  he  needed  it, 
he  took  out  what  he  required  from  time  to  time, 
using  his  finger  like  a  paint  brush  and  spreading 
on  the  lather  as  he  went  along.    So  accurately 


74  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

had  he  learned  to  measure  the  quantity  of  lather 
which  an  ear  will  hold  that  when  he  got  through 
with  me  and  I  went  away  there  was  not  over  a 
tablespoonful  in  either  ear  and  possibly  not  that 
much. 

While  I  sat  in  the  chair  I  heard  a  man,  who 
seemed  to  be  in  about  the  third  chair  from  me, 
saying  that  a  certain  bill  numbered  so-and-so 
had  been  referred  to  a  certain  committee  and 
would  undoubtedly  by  reported  favorably.  If 
so,  it  would  in  its  regular  order  come  up  for  dis- 
cussion and  reach  a  vote  so-and-so.  I  was 
charmed  with  the  man 's  knowledge  of  the  con- 
dition of  affairs  in  both  houses  and  the  exact 
status  of  all  threatened  legislation,  because  I 
always  have  to  stop  and  think  a  good  while  be- 
fore I  can  tell  whether  a  bill  originates  on  the 
floor  of  the  house  or  in  the  rotunda. 

I  could  not  see  this  man,  but  I  judged  that  he 
was  a  senator  or  sergeant-at-arms.  He  talked 
for  some  time  about  the  condition  of  national 
affairs,  and  finally  some  one  said  something 
about  evolution.  I  was  perfectly  wrapped  up  in 
what  he  was  saying  and  remember  distinctly 
how  he  referred  to  Herbert  Spencer's  definition 
of  evolution  as  a  change  from  indefinite,  coher- 
ent  heterogeneity  through   continuous  differ- 


HE  SEES  THE  CAPITAL.  78 

entiations  and  integrations. 

When  I  arose  from  my  chair  and  looked  over 
that  way  I  saw  that  the  gentleman  who  had 
been  talking  on  the  condition  of  congressional 
legislation  was  a  colored  hotel  porter  of  Wash- 
ington, who  was  getting  shaved  in  the  third 
chair,  and  the  man  who  was  discussing  the 
merits  of  evolution  was  the  colored  man  who 
was  shaving  him. 

Here  in  Washington  the  colored  man  has  the 
air  of  one  who  is  holding  up  one  corner  of  the 
great  national  structure.  Whether  he  is  open- 
ing your  soft  boiled  eggs  for  you  in  the  morn- 
ing, or  putting  bay  rum  on  your  nose,  or  check- 
ing your  umbrella  or  brushing  you  with  a  wilted 
whisk  broom,  his  thoughts  are  mostly  upon 
national  affairs.  He  is  naturally  an  imitator 
wherever  he  goes,  and  this  old  resident  of  Wash- 
ington has  watched  and  studied  the  air  and  lan- 
guage of  eminent  statesmen  so  carefully  that 
when  he  goes  forth  in  the  morning  with  his 
whitewashing  portfolio  on  his  arm  he  walks 
unconsciously  like  Senator  Evarts  or  John  James 
Ingalls.  I  saw  a  colored  man  taking  a  perpen- 
dicular lunch  at  the  depot  yesterday,  and  evi- 
dently the  veteran  GJeorgia  senator  is  his  model, 
for  he  cut  his  custard  pie  into  large  rectangular 


-f5  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS, 

hunks  and  pushed  it  back  behind  his  glottis  with 
a  caseknife,  after  whicli  he  drew  in  a  saucerful 
of  tea,  with  a  loud  and  violent  ways-and-means 
committee  report  which  reminded  me  of  the 
noise  made  by  an  unwearied  cyclone  trying  to 
suck  a  cistern  dry.  I  think  that  th^  colored 
man  exaggerated  the  imitation  somewhat,  but 
he  was  evidently  trying  to  assume  the  table 
manners  of  Senator  Brown  of  Georgia. 

For  this  reason,  if  for  no  other,  members  of 
the  cabinet,  senators,  representatives,  judges 
and  heads  of  departments  cannot  be  too  careful 
in  their  daily  walk  and  conversation.  Uncon- 
sciously they  are  molding  the  customs,  the  man- 
ners, and  the  styles  of  dress  which  are  to  become 
the  customs,  the  manners,  and  the  dress  of  a 
whole  race.  If  I  could  to-day  take  our  statesmen 
all  apart,  not  so  much  for  the  purpose  of  exam- 
ining their  works,  but  so  that  we  could  be  alone 
and  talk  this  matter  over  by  ourselves,  I  would 
strive  in  my  poor,  weak,  faltering  way  to  impress 
upon  them  the  awful  responsibility  which  rests 
upon  them  not  only  as  polite  and  fluent  conver- 
sationalists, classical  and  courteous  debators» 
speaking  pieces  for  the  benefit  of  future  conven- 
tions, of  referring  to  eachotlier  as  liars,  traitors, 
thieves,  deserters,  bummers,  beats,   and  great 


BE  SEES  THE  CAPITAL.  Tt 

^oj-al  abscesses  on  the  body  politic;  rehearsing 
campaigu  speeches  in  congress  at  an  expense  of 
$20  per  day  each,  and  meantime  obstructing 
wholesome  tariff  legislation,  but  as  the  conser- 
vators of  etiquette,  statesmanship,  and  morality 
for  a  race  of  people  the  great  resposibility  for 
whose  welfare  still  rests  upon  us  as  a  nation. 

Only  the  day  before  yesterday  I  saw  a  thin, 
wiry,  and  colored  gentleman  pawing  around  in 
an  ash  barrel  for  something,  and  I  waited  to  see 
what  he  was  after.  He  resurrected  a  sad  and 
dejected  plug  hat,  and,  though  it  was  not  half 
so  good  as  the  one  he  wore,  he  seemed  much 
pleased  with  it  and  put  it  on.  I  ventured  to  ask 
him  why  he  had  done  so  without  improving  his 
appearance,  and  he  said  that  for  a  long  time  he 
had  been  looking  for  a  hat  which  would  higliteu 
the  resemblance  which  people  had  often  noticed 
aLJ  remarked  in  days  gone  by,  both  in  person, 
sah,  and  general  carriage,  walk,  and  conversa- 
tion, sah,  also  in  the  matter  of  clear  cut  and  log- 
ical life  sentences,  as  existing  between  himself, 
sah,  and  Senator  Evarts,  sah.  He  believed  that 
he  had  struck  it,  sah. 

As  spriug  warms  up  the  air  about  Washington 
the  heating  apparatus  of  the  capitol  building  be- 
gins to  relax  its  interest,  and  now  you  can  visit 


TS  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

most  any  part  of  the  stately  pile  without  being 
scrambled  in  your  own  embonpoint.  Last  win- 
ter I  heard  Senator  Prye  of  Maine  make  his 
great  tariff  speech,  and  although  there  was  noth- 
ing, about  the  speech  itself  which  seemed  to 
evolve  much  exercise  or  industry — for  it  was  the 
same  speech  in  every  essential  quality  that  I 
have  heard  every  November  since  I  began  to  take 
an  interest  in  politics — the  perspiration  ran  down 
his  face  in  small  washouts  and  sweatlets  and 
fell  in  the  arena  with  a  mellow  plunk. 

I  believe  this  unnatural  heat  to  be  the  cause 
of  much  ill  health  among  our  law-makers,  and  I 
freely  admit  that  the  unhealthy  surroundings  of 
Washington  and  the  great  contrast  between 
the  hot  air  of  the  capitol  and  the  cold  air  out- 
side have  done  a  great  deal  towards  keeping  me 
out  of  the  senate.  The  night  air  of  Washington 
is  also  filled  with  malaria  and  is  much  worse 
than  any  night  air  I  have  ever  used  before. 


]i<^  Sees  tf?(?  f/auy. 


IT  HAS  become  such  a  general  practice  to 
speak  disrespectfully  of  the  United  States 
Navy  that  a  few  days  ago  I  decided  to  visit 
the  Brooklyn  Navy  Yard  for  the  purpose  of  as- 
certaining, if  possible,  how  much  cause  there 
might  be  for  this  light  and  airy  manner  of  treat- 
ing the  navy,  and,  if  necessary,  to  take  immedi- 
ate steps  towards  purifying  the  system. 

I  found  that  the  matter  had  been  grossly  mis- 
represented, and  that  our  navy,  so  far  as  I  was 
able  to  discover,  is  self-sustaining.  It  has  been 
thoroughly  refitted  and  refurnished  throughout, 
and  is  as  pleasant  a  navy  as  one  would  see  in  a 
day's  journey. 

I  had  the  pleasure  of  boarding  the  man-of- 
war  Kichmond  under  a  flag  of  truce  and  the 
Atlantic  under  a  suspension  of  the  rules.  I 
remained  some  time  on  board  each  of  these  war 
ships,  and  any  man  who  speaks  lightly  of  the 
United  States  Navy  in  my  presence  hereafter 
will  receive  a  stinging  rebuke. 


80  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

The  Brooklyn  Navy  Yard  was  inaugurated  by 
the  purchase  of  forty  acres  of  ground  in  1801. 
It  has  a  pleasant  water-front,  which  is  at  all 
times  dotted  here  and  there  with  new  war  ves- 
sels undergoing  repairs.  Since  the  original  pur- 
chase others  have  been  made  and  the  land  side 
of  the  yard  inclosed  by  means  of  a  large  briclf 
wall,  so  that  in  case  there  should  be  a  local  dis- 
turbance in  Brooklyn  the  rioters  could  not 
break  through  and  bite  the  navy.  In  this  way 
a  man  on  board  the  Atlanta  while  at  anchor 
in  Brooklyn  is  just  as  safe  as  he  would  be  at 
home. 

In  order  to  enter  and  explore  the  Navy  Yard 
it  is  necessary  that  one  should  have  a  pass. 
This  Is  a  safeguard,  wisely  adopted  by  the  Com- 
mandant, in  order  to  keep  out  strangers  who 
might  get  in  under  the  pretext  of  wishing  to 
view  the  yard  and  afterwards  attack  one  of  the 
new  vessels. 

On  the  day  I  visited  the  Navy  Yard  just 
ahead  of  me  a  plain  but  dignified  person  in  citi- 
zen's dress  passed  through  the  gate.  He  had 
the  bearing  of  an  officer,  I  thought,  and  kept  his 
eye  en  some  object  about  nine  and  one-fourth 
miles  ahead  as  he  walked  past  the  guard.  He 
was  told  to  halt,  but,  of  course,  he  did  not  do  so- 


EE  SEES  THE  NAVY.  81 

He  v/as  above  it.  Then  the  guard  overhauled 
him,  and  even  felt  in  his  pockets  for  his  pass,  as 
I  supposed.  Concealed  on  his  person  the  guard 
found  four  pint  bottles  filled  with  tlie  essence 
of  crime.  They  poured  the  poor  man's  rum  on 
the  grass  and  then  fired  him  out,  accompanied 
by  a  rebuke  which  will  make  him  more  deliber- 
ate about  sitting  down  for  a  week  or  two. 

The  feeling  against  arduous  spirits  in  the 
United  States  Kavy  is  certainly  on  the  increase, 
and  the  day  is  not  far  distant  when  alcohol  in  a 
free  state  will  only  be  used  in  the  arts,  sciences, 
music,  literature  and  the  drama. 

The  Eichmond  is  a  large  but  buoyant  vessel 
painted  black.  It  has  a  front  stairway  hanging 
over  the  balcony,  and  the  latch-string  to  the 
front  door  was  hanging  cheerily  out  as  v/e  drew 
alongside.  During  an  engagement,  however,  on 
the  approach  of  the  enemy,  the  front  stairs  are 
'  Huled  up  and  the  latch-string  is  pulled  in,  while 
the  commanding  officer  makes  the  statement, 
"  April  Fool "  through  a  speaking-trumpet  to 
the  chagrined  and  infuriated  foe. 

The  Eichmond  is  a  veteran  of  the  late  war, 
a  war  which  no  one  ever  regretted  more  than  I 
did ;  not  so  much  because  of  the  bloodshed  and 
desolation  it  caused  at  the  time,  but  on  accor.iat 


62  BILL  'nyWS  SPARKS. 

of  the  rude  remarks  since  made  to  those  who 
did  not  believe  in  the  war  and  whose  feelings 
have  been  repeatedly  hurt  by  reference  to  it 
since  the  war  closed. 

The  guns  of  the  Richmond  are  muzzle-load- 
ers, i.  e.,  the  load  or  charge  of  ammunition  is 
put  into  the  other  or  outer  end  of  the  gun  in- 
stead of  the  inner  extremity  or  base  of  the  gun, 
as  is  the  case  with  the  breech-loader.  The 
breech-loader  is  a  great  improvement  on  the 
old  style  gun,  making  warfare  a  constant  source 
of  delirious  joy  now,  whereas  in  former  times  in 
case  of  a  naval  combat  during  a  severe  storm, 
the  man  who  went  outside  the  ship  to  load  the 
gun,  while  it  was  raining,  frequently  contracted 
pneumonia. 

Modern  guns  are  made  with  breeches,  which 
may  be  easily  removed  during  a  fight  and  re- 
placed when  visitors  come  on  board.  A  sort  of 
grim  humor  pervades  the  above  remark. 

The  Eichmond  is  about  to  sail  away  to 
China.  I  do  not  know  why  she  is  going  to 
China  but  presume  she  does  not  care  to  be  here 
during  the  amenities,  antipathies  and  aspersions 
of  a  Presidential  campaign.  A  man-of-war 
would  rather  make  some  sacrifices  generally 
than  to  get  into  trouble. 


HE  SEES  THE  NAVY.  83 

I  must  here  say  that  I  would  rather  be  captured 
by  our  naval  oflScers  than  by  any  other  naval  of- 
ficers I  have  ever  seen.  The  older  oflScers  were 
calm  and  self-possessed  during  my  visit  on  board 
both  the  Kichmond  and  Atlanta,  and  the  young 
fellows  are  as  handsome  as  a  steel  engraving. 
While  gazing  on  them  as  they  proudly  trod  the 
quarter  deck  or  any  other  deck  that  needed  it,  I 
was  proud  of  my  sex,  and  I  could  not  help  think- 
ing that  had  I  been  an  unprotected  but  beautiful 
girl,  hostile  to  the  United  States,  I  could  have 
picked  out  five  or  six  young  men  there  to  either 
of  whom  I  would  be  glad  to  talk  over  the  details 
of  an  armistice.  I  could  not  help  enjoying  fully 
my  hospitable  treatment  by  the  oflBicers  above 
referred  to  after  having  been  only  a  little  while 
before  rudely  repulsed  and  most  cruelly  snubbed 
by  a  haughty  young  cotton-sock  broker  in  a  New 
York  store. 

When  will  people  ever  learn  that  the  way  to 
have  fun  with  me  is  to  treat  me  for  the  time 
being  as  an  equal  ? 

It  was  wash-day  on  board  ship,  and  I  could 
not  help  noticing  how  the  tyrant  man  asserts 
himself  when  he  becomes  sole  boss  of  the  house- 
hold. The  rule  on  board  a  man-of-war  is  that 
the  first  man  who  on  wash-day  shall  suggest  a 


84  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

"picked-up  dinner"  shall  be  loaded  into  the 
double-barrelled  howitzer  and  shot  into  the 
bosom  of  Yoniis. 

On  the  clothes-line  I  noticed  very  few  frills. 
Tlie  lingerie  on  board  a  war  vessel  is  severe  in 
outline  and  almost  harsh  in  detail.  Here  the 
salt  breezes  search  in  vain  for  the  singularly 
sawed-off  and  fluently  trimmed  toga  of  our  home 
life.  Here  all  is  changed.  Prom  the  basement 
to  the  top  of  the  lightning  rod,  from  pit  to  dome, 
as  I  was  about  to  say,  a  belligerent  ship  on  wash- 
day is  not  gayly  caparisoned. 

The  Atlanta  is  a  fair  representative  of  the 
modern  war  vessel  and  would  be  the  most  ef- 
fective craft  in  th§  world  if  she  could  use  her 
guns.  She  has  all  the  modern  improvements, 
hot  and  cold  water,  electric  lights,  handy  to 
depots  and  a  good  view  of  the  ocean,  but  when 
she  shoots  off  her  guns  they  pull  out  her  circles, 
abrade  her  deck,  concuss  her  rotunda,  contuse 
the  main  brace  and  injure  people  who  have 
always  been  friendly  to  the  Government.  Her 
guns  are  now  being  removed  and  new  circles  put 
in,  so  that  in  future  she  would  be  enabled  to  give 
less  pain  to  her  friends  and  squirt  more  gloom 
into  the  ranks  of  the  enemy.  She  is  at  present 
as  useful  for  purposes  of  defense  as  a  revolver 


HE  SEES  THE  NAVY.  85 

in  the  bottom  of  a  locked-up  bureau  drawer,  the 
key  of  which  is  in  the  pocket  of  j'our  wife's  dress 
in  a  dark  closet,  wherein  also  the  burglar  is,  for 
the  nonce,  concealed. 

Politics  has  very  little  to  do  with  the  conduct 
of  a  navy-yard.  Ko  one  would  talk  politics  with 
me.  I  could  not  arouse  any  interest  there  at  all 
in  the  election.  Every  one  seemed  delighted 
with  the  present  Administration,  however.  The 
navy-yard  always  feels  that  way. 

In  the  choky  or  brig  at  the  guard-house  I  saw 
a  sailor  locked  up  who  T»-as  extremely  drunk. 

"  How  did  you  get  it  here,  my  man '?  "  I  asked. 

"  Through  thinfloonce  of  prominent  Democrat, 
you  damphool.  Howje  spose?"he  unto  me 
straightway  did  reply. 

The  sailor  is  sometimes  infested  with  a  style 
of  arid  humor  which  asserts  itself  in  the  most 
unlooked-for  fashion.  I  laughed  heartily  at  his 
odd  yet  coarse  repartee,  and  went  away. 

The  guard-house  contains  a  choice  collection 
of  manacles,  handciifls,  lily  irons  and  other  rare 
gems.  The  lily  irons  are  not  now  in  use.  They 
consist  of  two  iron  bands  for  the  wrists,  con- 
nected by  means  of  a  flat  iron,  which  can  be 
opened  up  to  let  the  wrists  into  place ;  then  they 
are  both  locked  at  one  time  by  means  of  a  wrench 


S6  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

like  the  one  used  by  a  piano-tuner.  Witli  a  pair 
of  lily  irons  on  the  wrists  and  another  pair  on 
the  ankles  a  man  locked  in  the  brig  and  caught 
out  2,000  miles  at  sea  in  a  big  gale,  with  the  rud- 
der knocked  off  the  ship  and  a  large  litter  of  kit- 
tens in  the  steam  cylinder,  would  feel  almost 
helpless. 

I  had  almost  forgotten  to  mention  the  drug 
store  on  board  ship.  Each  man-of-war  has  a 
small  pharmacy  on  the  second  floor.  It  is  open 
all  night,  and  prescriptions  are  carefully  com- 
pounded. Pure  drugs,  paints,  oils,  varnishes 
and  putty  are  to  be  had  there  at  all  times.  The 
ship's  dispensary  is  not  a  large  room,  but  two 
ordinary  men  and  a  truss  would  not  feel  crowded 
there.  The  druggists  treated  me  well  on  board 
both  ships,  and  offered  me  my  choice  of  antisep- 
tics and  anodynes,  or  anything  else  I  might  take 
a  fancy  to.  I  shall  do  my  trading  in  that  line 
hereafter  on  board  ship. 

The  Atlanta  has  many  very  modern  impi'ove- 
ments,  and  is  said  to  be  a  wonderful  sailor.  She 
also  has  a  log.  I  saw  it.  It  does  not  look  exactly 
like  what  I  had,  as  an  old  lumberman,  imagined 
that  it  would. 

It  is  a  book,  with  writing  in  it,  about  the  size 
of  the  tax-roll  for  1888.    In  the  cupola  of  the 


HE  SEES  THE  NAVT.  87 

ship,  where  the  wheel  is  located,  there  is  also  a 
big  brass  compass  about  as  large  as  the  third 
stomach  of  a  cow.  In  this  there  is  a  little  index 
or  dingus,  which  always  points  towards  the 
north.  That  is  all  it  has  to  do.  On  each  side  of 
the  compass  is  a  large  cannon  ball  so  magnetized 
or  polarized  or  influenced  as  to  overcome  the 
attraction  of  the  needle  for  some  desirable  por- 
tion of  the  ship.  There  is  also  an  index  con- 
nected with  the  shaft  whereby  the  man  at  the 
w^heel  can  ascertain  the  position  of  the  shaft  and 
also  ascertain  at  night  whether  the  ship  is 
advancing  or  retreating — a  thing  that  he  should 
inform  himself  about  at  the  earliest  possible 
moment. 

The  culinary  arrangements  on  board  these 
ships  would  make  many  a  hotel  blush,  and  I 
have  paid  $i  a  day  for  a  worse  room  than  the 
choky  at  the  guard-house. 

In  the  Navy-Yard  at  Brooklyn  is  the  big  iron 
hull  or  running  gears  of  an  old  ship  of  some 
kind  which  the  Republicans  w'ere  in  the  habit 
of  hammering  on  for  a  few  weeks  prior  to  elec- 
tion every  four  years.  Four  years  ago,  through 
an  oversight,  the  workmen  were  not  called  off 
nor  informed  of  Blaine's  defeat  for  several  days 
after  the  election.    . 


c8  BILL  NYB'S  SPARKS. 

The  Democrats  hare  an  entirely  different 
liull  in  another  part  of  the  yard  on  wliich  they 
are  hammering. 

The  keel  blocks  of  a  new  cruiser,  375  feet  long- 
are  just  laid  in  the  big  ship-house  at  the  Brook- 
lyn Kavy-Yard.  She  will  be  a  very  airy  and 
cheerful  boat,  I  judge,  if  the  keel  blocks  are 
anything  to  go  by. 

In  closing  this  account  I  desire  to  state  that  I 
hope  I  have  avoided  the  inordinate  use  of  ma- 
rine terms,  as  I  desire  to  make  myself  perfectly 
clear  to  the  ordinary  landsman,  even  at  the  ex- 
pense of  beauty  and  style  of  description.  I 
would  rather  be  thoroughly  understood  than 
confuse  the  reader  while  exerting  myself  to 
show  my  knowledge  of  terms.  I  also  desire  to 
express  my  thanks  to  the  United  States  Navy 
for  its  kindness  and  consideration  during  my 
visit.  I  could  have  been  easily  blown  into  space 
half  a  dozen  times  without  any  opportunity  to 
blow  back  through  the  papers,  had  the  navy  so 
desired,  and  yet  nothing  but  terms  of  endear- 
ment passed  between  the  navy  and  myself. 

Lieut.  Arthur  P.  Nazro,  Chief  Engineer  Henry 
B.  Nones,  Passed  Assistant  Engineer  E.  A.  Ma- 
gee,  Capt.  F.  H.  Harrington,  of  the  United 
States   Marine    Corps;    Mr.    Gus   C.    Eoeder, 


HE  SEES  THE  NAYT.  89 

Apothecary  Henry  Wimmer  and  the  dog  Zib, 
of  the  Eichmoud;  Master  Shipwright  McGee, 
Capt.  Miller,  captain  of  the  yard,  and  Mr.  Milli- 
gan,  apothecary  of  the  Atlanta,  deserve  hon- 
orable mention  for  coolness  and  heroic  endur- 
ance while  I  was  there. 


/T\on?  about  U/asl;;i9$t09. 

yTYASHINGTON",  D.  C.  I  have  just  returned 
III  from  a  polite  and  recherche  party  here. 
Washington  is  the  hot-bed  of  gayety,  and 
general  headquarters  for  the  recherche  business. 
It  would  be  hard  to  find  a  bontonger  aggregation 
than  the  one  I  was  just  at,  to  use  the  words  of  a 
gentleman  who  was  there,  and  who  asked  me  if 
I  wrote  "The  Heathen  Chinee." 

He  was  a  very  talented  man,  with  a  broad 
sweep  of  skull  and  a  vague  yearning  for  some- 
thing more  tangible— to  drink.  He  was  in  Wash- 
ington, he  said,  in  the  interests  of  Mingo  county. 
I  forgot  to  ask  him  where  Mingo  county  might 
be.  He  took  a  great  interest  in  me,  and  talked 
with  me  long  after  he  really  had  anything  to  say. 
He  was  one  of  those  fluent  conversationalists 
frequently  met  with  in  society.  He  used  one  of 
these  web-perfecting  talkers — the  kind  that  can 
be  fed  with  raw  Roman  punch  and  that  will  turn 
out  punctuated  talk  in  links,  like  varnished  sau- 
sages.   Being  a  poor  talker  myself  and  rather 


MOBE  ABOUT  WASHINGTON.       91 

more  fluent  as  a  listener,  I  did  not  interrupt  him. 

He  said  that  he  was  sorry  to  notice  how  young 
girls  and  their  parents  came  to  "Washington  as 
they  would  to  a  matrimonial  market. 

I  was  sorry  also  to  hear  it.  It  pained  me  to 
know  that  young  ladies  should  allow  themselves 
to  be  bamboozled  into  matrimony.  Why  was  it, 
I  asked,  that  matrimony  should  ever  single  out 
the  young  and  faff? 

"Ah,"  said  he,  "it  is  indeed  rough!" 

He  then  breathed  a  sigh  that  shook  the  foliage 
of  the  speckled  geranium  near  by,  and  killed  an 
artificial  caterpillar  that  hung  on  its  branches. 

"Matrimony  is  all  right,"  said  he,  "if  properly 
brought  about.  It  breaks  my  heart,  though,  to 
notice  how  Washington  is  used  as  a  matrimonial 
market.  It  seems  to  me  almost  as  if  these  here 
young  ladies  were  brought  here  like  slaves  and 
exposed  for  sale."  I  had  noticed  that  they  were 
somewhat  exposed,  but  I  did  not  know  that  they 
were  for  sale. 

I  asked  him  if  the  waists  of  party  dresses  had 
always  been  so  sadly  in  the  minority,  and  he 
said  they  had. 

I  danced  with  a  beautiful  young  lady  whose 
trail  had  evidently  caught  in  a  doorway.  She 
ha<3n't  noticed  it  till  she  had  walked  out  partially 


througVi  her  costume.  I  do  not  think  a  lady 
ought  to  give  too  much  thought  to  her  apparel, 
neither  should  she  feel  too  much  above  her 
clothes.  I  say  this  in  the  kindest  spirit, 
because  I  believe  that  man  should  be  a 
friend  to  woman.  No  family  circle  is  complete 
without  a  woman.  She  is  like  a  glad  landscape 
to  the  weaiy  eye.  Individvially  and  collectively, 
woman  is  a  great  adjunct  of  civilization  and  pro- 
gress. The  electric  light  is  a  good  thing,  but 
how  pale  and  feeble  it  looks  by  the  light  of  a 
good  woman's  eyes.  The  telephone  is  a  great 
invention.  It  is  a  good  thing  to  talk  at  and 
murmur  into  and  deposit  profanity  in.  but  to 
take  up  a  conversation  and  keep  it  up  au(i  follow 
a  man  out  through  the  frontdoor  with  it,  the 
telephone  has  still  much  to  learn  from  woman. 

It  is  said  that  our  government  officials  are  not 
sufficiently  paid,  and  I  presume  that  is  the  case, 
so  it  became  necessary  to  economize  in  every 
way,  but,  why  should  wives  concentrate  all  their 
economy  on  the  waist  of  a  dress  ?  When  chest 
protectors  are  so  cheap  as  they  now  are,  I  hate 
to  see  people  suffer,  and  there  is  more  real  suffer- 
ing, more  privation  and  more  destitution,  per- 
vading the  Washington  scapula  and  clavicle  this 
winter  than  I  ever  saw  before. 


MORE  ABOUT  WASHINGTON        93 

But  I  do  not  hope  to  change  this  custom, 
though  I  spoke  to  several  ladies  about  it,  and 
asked  them  to  think  it  over.  I  do  not  think 
they  will.  It  seems  almost  wicked  to  cut  off  the 
best  part  of  a  dress  and  put  it  at  the  other  end  of 
the  skirt,  to  be  trodden  under  feet  of  men,  as  I 
may  say.  They  smiled  good  humoredly  at  me 
as  I  tried  to  impress  my  views  upon  tliem,  but 
should  I  go  there  again  next  season  and  mingle 
in  the  mad  whirl  of  Washington,  where  these 
fair  women  are  also  mingling  in  said  mad  whirl, 
I  presume  that  I  will  find  tiiem  clothed  in  the 
same  gaslight  waist,  with  trimmings  of  real 
vertebrae  down  the  back. 

Still,  what  does  a  man  know  about  the  proper 
costume  for  woman  ?  He  knows  nothing  what- 
ever. He  is  in  many  ways  a  little  inconsistent. 
"Why  does  a  man  frown  on  a  certain  costume 
for  his  wife  and  admire  it  on  the  first  woman 
he  meets  ?  Why  does  he  fight  shy  of  religion 
and  Christianity  and  talk  very  freely  about  the 
church,  but  get  mad  if  his  wife  is  an  infidel? 

Crops  around  Washington  are  looking  well. 
Winter  wheat,  crocusses  and  indefinite  posti)one- 
ments  were  never  in  a  more  thrifty  condition. 
Quite  a  number  of  people  are  here  who  are  wait- 
ing to  be  confirmed.   Judging  from  their  habits. 


94  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

they  are  lingering  around  here  in  order  to  be- 
coDfie  confirmed  drunkards. 

I  leave  here  to-morrow  with  a  large,  wet  tow- 
el in  my  plug  hat.  Perhaps  I  should  have  said 
nothing  on  this  dress  reform  question  while  my 
hat  is  fitting  me  so  immediately.  It  is  seldom 
that  I  step  aside  from  the  beaten  path  of  recti- 
tude, but  last  evening,  on  the  way  home,  it 
seemed  to  me  that  I  didn't  do  much  else  but 
step  aside.  At  these  parties  no  charge  is  made 
for  punch.  It  is  perfectly  free.  I  asked  a  col- 
ored man  who  stood  near  the  punch  bowl,  and 
who  replenished  it  ever  and  anon,  what  the 
damage  was,  and  he  drew  himself  up  to  his  full 
height. 

Possibly  I  did  wrong,  but  I  hate  to  be  a  bur- 
den on  any  one.  It  seemed  odd  to  me  to  go  to  a 
first-class  dance  and  find  the  supper  and  the 
band  and  the  rum  all  paid  for.  It  must  cost  a 
good  deal  of  money  to  run  this  government. 


f\  (Jreat  Bi^pefaGtor. 

IT  WAS  not  generally  known  at  the  time,  but 
about  a  year  ago  a  gentleman  from  Jays- 
burg,  named  Alanson  Gr.  Meltz,  opened  a 
law  office  in  Chicago,  intending  to  give  that  city 
a  style  of  clear-cut  counseling,  soliciting,  con- 
veyancing, prosecuting  and  defending,  such  as 
she  had  never  witnessed  before.  He  was  young, 
but  he  was  full  of  confidence,  and  as  he 
pulled  the  nails  out  of  the  dry  goods  boxes,  in 
which  he  had  brought  his  revised  statutes  and 
replevin  appliances,  he  felt  ready  and  willing  to 
furnish  advice  at  living  rates  to  all  who  would 
come  and  examine  his  stock. 

But  time  kept  on  in  his  remorseless  flight, 
bringing  in  at  the  casement  of  Mr.  Meltz  the 
roar  and  hum  of  traffic,  and  the  nut-brown  flavor 
of  the  Chicago  river,  but  that  was  all.  He  was 
there,  ready  and  almost  eager  to  advise  one  and 
all,  but  one  and  all,  without  exception,  evaded 
him.  No  matter  how  gayly  he  lettered  his  win- 
dow with  the  announcement  that  he  would  pro- 
cure a  divorce  for  any  one  without  pain,  mar- 


96  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS 

ried  people  continued  to  suffer  on  or  go  else- 
where. Even  though  he  had  put  up  a  trans- 
parency : 

* * 

:      DIVORCES  PEEPAEED      : 
:  While  You  Wait !  ': 

* * 

No  one  called  at  his  office,  No.  6|  Water  street, 
to  get  one.  Day  after  day  innumerable  people 
went  by  him  in  the  mad  rush  and  hurry  of  life, 
married  but  not  mated,  forgetting  that  Mr. 
Meltz  could  relieve  them  without  publicity. 

Eemorseless  time  had  rolled  on  in  this  way  for 
three  months,  now  and  then  picking  out  a  frag- 
ment of  the  cornice  on  the  new  court-house  and 
braining  a  pedestrian  with  it,  when  one  day 
Mr.  Meltz  was  solicited  by  the  proprietor  of  a 
new  remedy  for  indigestion  and  brain  fever  to 
try  his  medicine.  He  also  told  Mr.  Meltz  that 
in  ease  of  cure  or  beneficial  effects  he  desired  to 
use  his  endorsement,  and  as  the  remedy  was 
new  he  proposed  to  issue  an  edition  of  1,000,000 
cii'culars  containing  the  endorsement  of  pi'omi- 
nent  prof essional  people  of  Chicago. 

Alanson  G.  Meltz  bought  a  bottle  and  began 
using  it.  In  three  weeks  the  following  endorse- 
ment entered  over  a  million  and  a  half  families 


A  GEE  AT  BENEFACTOR.  07 

in  the  United  States  at  the  expense  of  the  man 
who  owned  the  remedy  : 

Chicago,  rvec.  13,  1885. 
Dr.  J.  Burdock  Wells.— 

Siii :  I  am  a  lawyer  of  this  city,  and  for  the  past  year  have 
been  seriously  and  dangerously  afflicted  with  sharp,  dart- 
ing pains  up  and  down  the  spinal  column,  dimness  of  sight, 
acidity  of  the  tonsils  and  in-gi-owing  spleen.  I  sufCered  the 
agonies  of  the  d — d. 

I  take  this  method  of  informing  the  world,  especially 
those  who  may  be  suffering  as  I  did,  that  less  than  a  month 
ago  1  was  in  a  pitiful  state.  I  have  a  larjje  practice,  es- 
pecially as  an  attornej',  in  procuring  noiseless  divorces. 
My  olHce  is  at  No.  6%  South  Water  Street,  and  for  years  I 
have  been  engaged  in  this  line,  procuring  divorces  for 
thousands  everywhere,  orders  filled  by  mail,  etc.,  by  a  new 
system  of  my  own,  by  whicb  applicants  thi-oughout  the 
union  may  be  treated  at  a  distance  as  well  as  in  my  office. 

This  had  so  taken  up  my  time  and  engrossed  my  atten- 
tion that,  before  I  knew  it,  my  health  had  become  impaired 
materially,  and  I  did  not  know  at  any  time  but  that  the 
next  succeeding  moment  might  be  my  subsequent  one. 
With  clients  calling  on  me  and  pressing  me  by  mail  for 
their  services,  with  persistent  people  hurrying  and  urging 
me  for  divorces,  so  that  they  could  marry  some  one  else 
without  unnecessary  delay,  I  was  stricken  down  with  in- 
growing spleen  and  gastric  yearning  of  the  most  violent 
character.  My  physicians  gave  ma  up.  They  said  I  could 
never  recover.    T  was  in  despair. 

At  that  moment,  like  a  clap  of  thunder  from  a  clear  aky 
came  Dr.  J.  Burdock  Wells,  with  a  bottle  of  his  unerring 
Bile  Eenovator  and  Gastric  Rectifier.  I  took  one  bottle 
and  called  for  another.    In  a  little  while  I  began  to  hope, 


98  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

When  I  arose  in  the  morning  my  mouth  did  not  taste  Kke 
that  of  a  total  strangrer  any  more.  In  one  week  my  eye 
had  recovered  its  old  brilliancy,  and  in  ten  days  I  was  back 
In  my  office  again  at  No.  6%  South  Water  Street,  rapidly 
catching  up  with  my  large  business  and  answering  all 
calls  made  upon  me  from  all  quarters.  I  have  not  only  re- 
gained my  health,  but  I  have  been  the  humble  means, 
since  my  recovei-y,  of  bringing  peace  to  many  an  aching 
heart.  One  man  from  Kansas  writes  me :  "  Your  recovery 
was  indeed  a  great  boon  to  me.  You  have  saved  my 
life.  Whenever  I  want  a  divorce  again  I  shall  surely 
go  to  you.  God  bless  you  and  prolong  your  life  for 
many  years  that  you  may  go  on  spreading  joy  and 
hope  again  throughout  our  broad  land,  furnishing  your 
automatic  and  delightful  divorces  to  those  who  suifer."  I 
can  most  heartily  endorse  Dr.  J.  Burdock  Wells'  remedy 
and  would  cheerfully  recommend  it  to  those  who  have 
tried  everything  else  without  success.  I  would  be  glad  to 
have  any  or  all  who  suffer  call  at  my  office,  No.  6|^  South 
Water  street,  if  they  doubt  my  recovery,  when  they  wii; 
find  me  removing  superfluous  husbands  or  wives  absolut«ly 
trithout  pain.  Alanson  G.  Meltz. 

A.tTX)rney  and  counselor-aWaw,  solicitor  in  chancery, 
iracnces  in  all  the  courts.  Divorces  sent  C.  O.  D.  at 
a  moment's  notice.  Try  our  home  treatment  for  di- 
vorce. 

A  man  who  visited  Mr.  Meltz'  oflSce  last  week 
saj's  that  his  business  is  simply  enormous,  and 
that  he  has  added  to  his  former  office  the  gor- 
geous room  at  No.  li.  People  are  now  coming 
from  all  quarters  of  tlie  globe  to  get  Mr.  Meltz 
to  administer  his  divorces  to  them. 


J\)<^  QoupoQ  Cetter  of  li^troductioQ. 

THE  interchange  of  letters  of  introductioa 
between  old  friends,  by  which  valuable  ac- 
quaintances are  added  to  the  list,  is  a  great 
blessing,  and  in  good  hands  these  letters  have, 
no  doubt,  been  the  beginning  of  many  a  warm 
friendship ;  but,  like  all  other  blessings,  it  has 
been  greatly  abused.  I  have  been  the  recipient 
of  letters,  presented  by  tourists,  which,  it  was 
easy  to  gee,  had  been  wrung  from  some  sand- 
bagged friend  of  mine  —  letters  with  sobs  be- 
tween the  lines,  letters  punctuated  witli  invisi- 
ble signals,  calling  upon  me  to  remember  that 
the  bearer  had  looked  over  the  writer's  shoulder 
as  each  sentence  grew  into  a  polite  prevarication. 
To  those  who  are  in  the  habit  of  giving  hearty 
letters  of  introduction  and  endorsement  to  cas- 
ual acquaintances,  I  desire  to  say  that  I  am  per- 
fecting a  system  by  which  the  drugged  and  kid- 
napped writer  of  a  style  of  assumed  sincerity 
and  bogus  hilarity  will  be  thoroughly  protected. 


100  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS, 

Let  me  explain  briefly  and  tlien  illustrate  my 

method. 

A  casual  acquaintance,  who  has  met  you, 
say  four  or  five  times,  and  who  feels  thoroughly 
intimate  with  you,  calling  you  by  the  name  thi  t 
no  one  uses  but  your  wife,  approaches  you  with 
an  air  of  confidence  that  betrays  his  utter  igno- 
rance of  himself,  and  asks  for  a  letter  of  intro- 
duction (in  the  same  serious  vein  in  which  one 
asks  for  a  match).  You  are  already  provided 
with  my  numbered  Introductory  Letter  Pad. 
You  write  the  letter  of  introduction  on  a  sheet 
numbered  to  correspond  with  a  letter  of  advice 
mailed  simultaneously  to  the  person  who  is  to 
submit  to  the  letter  of  introduction. 

For  instance,  a  young  man,  inclined  to  be 
fresh,  enters  your  office  or  library  and  states 
that  he  is  going  abroad.  He  has  learned  that 
you  are  intimate  with  Dom  Pedro,  of  Brazil. 
Perhaps  you  have  conveyed  that  idea  uninten- 
tionally while  in  the  young  man's  presoi:c3  at 
some  time.  So  now  he  asks  the  trifling  favor  of 
a  letter  of  introduction  to  the  Emperor.  He  is 
going  to  see  the  President  and  Cabinet  and 
the  members  of  the  Supreme  Court  before  ho 
leaves  this  country,  and  when  he  goes  to  South 
America  he  naturally  wants  to  meet  Dom  Pedro. 


LETTER  OF  INTRODUCTION.      101 

So  you  fill  out  the  right-hand  end  or  coupon  of 
the  sheet  as  follows : 

[International  Introductory  Letter  System,  Form  Z  23.] 
No.  B  135,986.  New  York,  Dec.  25, 1886. 

Sir  :  You  will  please  honor  this  letter  of  introduction  in 
accoi-dance  with  the  terras  of  a  certain  letter  of  advice  num 
bered  as  above,  and  bearing  even  date  herewith,  mailed  to 
you  this  das',  and  oblige,  Tours,  etc.,  A.  B. 

The  young  man  goes  abroad  with  this  letter 
inclosed  in  a  maroon  alligator-skin  pocket-book, 
and  when  he  arrives  in  Brazil  he  finds  that  the 
way  has  been  paved  for  him  by  the  following 
letter  of  advice : 

[Inter Hoitoncd  Introdvetory  Letiet'  System,  Form  Z  23,] 
New  York,  Dec.  25, 1886. 
No.  B  135,990. 

Sir  :  Mr.  W ,  a  young  man  with  great  assurance  and  a 

maroon-colored  alligator-skin  pocket-booli,  bearing  a  letter 
of  introduction  to  you  numbered  as  above,  is  now  at  large. 
He  wlU  visit  Europe  for  a  few  weeks,  after  which  he  will 
tour  about  South  America.  He  will  make  a  specialty  of 
volcanoes  and  monarchs. 

He  will  offer  to  exchange  photographs  with  you,  but  you 
mnst  use  your  own  judgment  about  complying  with  this  re- 
quest. Do  not  allow  this  letter  to  influence  yon  in  the  matter. 

You  will  readily  recognize  him  by  the  wonderful  confidence 
which  he  has  in  himself,  and  which  is  not  shared  by  those 
who  know  him  here. 

He  is  a  fluent  conversationalist,  and  can  talk  for  tours 
without  fatigue  to  himself. 

You  will  find  it  very  difficult  to  wound  his  feelings,  but 
there  would  be  no  harm  in  trying. 


102  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS, 

Should  you  get  this  letter  In  time,  you  might  da  as  you 
thought  best  in  the  matter  of  quarantine.  Some  foreign 
powers  are  doing  that  way. 

Mr.  "W has  met  a  great  many  prominent  people  in  this 

country.    What  this  country  needs  is  more  free  trade  on  the 
high  seas  and  better  protection  for  its  prominent  jyeople. 

I  have  tried  to  be  conservative  in  what  I  have  said  here, 
and  if  I  have  given  you  a  better  opinion  of  the  young  man 
than  his  conduct  on  f-uller  acquaintance  will  warrant,  I  as- 
sure you  that  I  have  not  done  so  intentionally. 

You  will  notice  at  once  that  he  is  a  self-made  man,  so  your 
admiratioi.  for  the  works  of  nature  need  not  be  in  any  way 
diminished.    With  due  reepect,  your  most  obedient  servant, 

A.  B. 

To  his  Imperial  Highness  D.  Pbdro,  Esq., 

B«Azii,,  S.  A. 
No.  Z  80,865. 

Sir  :  This  letter  oJ  advloe  will  probably  precede  a  tall 
youth  named  Brindley.  Mr.  Brindley  is  a  young  man  who, 
by  a  strange  combination  of  circumstances,  is  the  eldest 
son  of  a  perfect  gentleman,  who  now  has,  and  will  ever  con- 
tinue to  have,  my  highest  esteem  and  my  promissory  note 
for  $250. 

Will  you  kindly  bear  this  in  mind  while  you  peruse  my 
pleading  letter  of  introduction,  which  will  accompany  Mr. 
Brindley,  Jr.? 

All  through  his  stormy  and  tempestuous  career  In  the 
capacity  of  son  to  his  father,  he  has  never  done  anything 
that  the  grand  jury  could  get  hold  of.  Treat  him  as  well  at 
you  can  consistently,  and  if  you  can  get  him  a  position  in  a 
bank,  I  am  sure  his  father  would  appreciate  it.  A  place  in  a 
bank,  where  he  would  not  have  anything  to  do  but  look 
pretty  and  declare  dividends  in  a  shrill  falsetto  voice,  would 
please  him  very  mueh.      He  is  a  very  good  declaimer.     He 


LETTER  OF  INTRODUCTION.        103 

Is  not  accustomed  to  manual  toil,  but  he  has  always  yearned 
to  do  literary  work.  If  he  could  do  the  editorial  work  con- 
nected  with  the  sight-draft  department,  or  write  humorous 
indorsements  on  the  backs  of  checks,  over  a  nom  de  plume,  it 
would  tickle  the  boy  almost  to  death.  Anything  you  could 
do  toward  getting  him  a  position  in  a  large  bank  that  is 
D*iled  down  securely,  would  be  thoroughly  appreciated  by 
me,  and  I  should  be  glad  to  retaliate  at  any  time. 

Yours  candidly, 

Wtman  Datton. 
To  Mr.  K.  O.  Peck,  London. 

A  beautiful  feature  of  this  invaluable  system 
is  the  understanding  to  which  everybody  is  com- 
mitted, that  the  original  letter  is  entirely  worth- 
less on  its  presentation  unless  the  letter  of  ad- 
vice has  been  already  received. 


JHou;  to  Seacl?  Jourpalisn). 

T  AM  GLAD  to  know  Cornell  University  is  to 
I  establish  a  department  of  journalism  next 
September.  I  have  alwaj's  claimed  that  jour- 
nalism could  be  taught  in  universities  and  col- 
leges just  as  successfully  as  any  other  athletic 
exercise.  Of  course  you  cannot  teach  a  boy  how 
to  jerk  a  giant  journal  from  the  clutches  of  decay 
and  make  of  it  a  robust  and  ripsnorting  shaper 
and  trimmer  of  public  opinion,  in  whose  count- 
ing-room people  will  walk  all  over  each  other  in 
their  mad  efforts  to  insert  advertisements.  You 
cannot  teach  this  in  a  school  any  more  than  you 
can  teach  a  boy  how  to  discover  the  open  Polar 
Sea,  but  you  can  teach  him  the  rudiments  and 
save  him  a  good  deal  of  time  experimenting  witii 
himself. 

Boys  spend  small  fortunes  and  the  best  years 
of  their  lives  learning  the  simplest  truths  in 
relation  to  journalism.  We  grope  on  blindly, 
learning  this  year  perhaps  how  to  distinguish 
an  italic  shooting-stick  when  we  see  it,  or  how 


EOW  TO  TEACH  JOURNALISM.      106 

to  eradicate  type  lice  from  a  standing  galley, 
learning  next  year  how  to  sustain  life  on  an 
annual  pass  and  a  sample  early-rose  potato 
weighing  four  pounds  and  measuring  eleven 
inches  in  circumference.  This  is  a  slow  and 
tedious  way  to  obtain  journalistic  training.  If 
this  can  be  avoided  or  abbreviated  it  will  be  a 
great  boon. 

As  I  understand  it,  the  department  in  Cornell 
University  will  not  deal  so  much  with  actual 
newspaper  experience  as  it  will  with  construction 
and  style  in  writing.  This  is  certainly  a  good 
move,  for  we  must  admit  that  we  can  improve 
very  greatly  our  style  and  the  purity  of  our 
English.  For  instance,  I  select  an  exchange  at 
random,  and  on  the  telegraphic  page  I  find  the 
details  of  a  horrible  crime.  It  seems  that  an 
old  lady,  who  lived  by  herself  almost,  and  who 
had  amassed  between  $16  and  $17,  was  awakened 
by  an  assassin,  dragged  from  her  bed  and  cruelly 
murdered.  The  large  telegraph  headline  reads : 
"  Drug  from  her  bed  and  murdered  !  "  This  is 
incorrect  in  orthography,  syntax  and  prosody, 
bad  in  form  and  inelegant  in  style.  Carefully 
parsing  the  word  drug  as  it  appears  here,  I  find 
that  it  does  not  agree  witli  anything  in  number, 
gender  or  person.    I  do  not  like  to  criticise  the 


106  rULL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

stj'le  of  others  when  I  know  that  my  own  is  so 
faulty,  but  I  am  sure  that  the  word  drug  should 
not  be  used  in  this  way. 

Take  the  following,  also,  from  the  Kansas  cor- 
respondence of  the  Statesville  (jS".  O.)  Lcvnd- 
mark: 

"There  were  several  bad  accidents  in  and 
around  Clear  "Water  during  my  absence  from 
home.  The  saddest  one  was  the  shooting  of  one 
Peter  Peterson  by  his  father.  They  were  out 
rabbit-hunting  in  the  snow.  A  rabbit  got  up 
and  started  to  run.  The  son  was  in  a  swag  of  a 
place  and  the  father  was  taking  aim  at  the 
rabbit.  The  son  at  the  same  time  was  trying  to 
get  a  shot  at  it  and,  not  knowing  that  his  father 
was  shooting,  ran  between  the  rabbit  and  his 
father  and  was  killed  dead,  falling  on  the  snow 
with  his  gun  grasped  in  his  hands  and  never 
moved.  He  still  carried  that  pleasant  smile 
which  he  had  on,  in  expectation  of  shooting  that 
jack  rablDit,  when  put  in  the  grave.  Wheat  is 
selling  at  about  60  cents  ;  corn,  40  to  50  cents ; 
fat  hogs,  gross,  4*  to  4f ;  fat  steers,  4J ;  butcher's 
stock,  2  cents." 

It  is  hard  to  say  just  exactly  wherein  this  is 
faulty,  but  something  is  the  matter  with  it.  I 
would  like  to  get  an  expression  of  opinion  from 


HOW  TO  TEACH  JOUENALISM.      J07 

those  who  take  an  interest  in  such  things,  as  to 
whether  the  fault  is  in  orthoepy,  orthography, 
anatomy,  obituary  or  price  current,  or  whether 
it  consists  in  writing  several  features  too  closely 
in  the  same  paragraph. 

It  would  also  be  a  good  idea  to  establish  a 
chair  for  advertisers  in  some  practical  college, 
in  order  that  they  might  run  in  for  a  few  hours 
and  learn  how  to  write  an  advertisement  so  ^hat 
it  would  express  in  the  most  direct  way  what 
they  desired  to  state.  Here  is  an  advertisement, 
for  instance,  which  is  given  exactly  as  written 
and  punctuated  : 

Mrs.  Dr.  Edwards, 
ths  great  western  claibvotant, 

Has  arrived,  and  will  remain  only  a  short  time.  Oall  a* 
onoe  at  HOTEL  WINDSOR,  119,  121  and  123  East  State 
street,  Boom  19,  third  floor.    Please  take  elevator. 

The  greatest  and  most  natural  born,  and  highly  cele- 
brated, and  well-known  all  over  the  country.  Clairvoyant, 
now  traveling  on  the  road,  and  Wonder  from  the  Pacific 
coast. 

Seventh  Daughter  of  the  Seventh  Daughter  ;  born  with 
veil  and  second  sight;  every  mystery  revealed;  If  one  you 
love  is  true  or  false;  removes  trouble;  settles  lovers'  quar- 
rels; causes  a  speedy  marriage  with  one  you  Jove ;  valu- 
able information  to  gentlemen  on  all  business  transac- 
tions; how  to  make  profitable  Investments  for  speedy 
riches;  lucky  numbers;  Egyptian  talisman  for  the  un 
lucky;  cures  mystei-ious  and  chronic  diseases.    All  who 


108  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

are  sick  or  In  trouble  from  any  cause  are  Inyited  to  call 
witbout  delay. 

I  have  always  claimed  that  clairvoyance  could 
be  made  a  success  if  we  could  find  some  one  who 
was  suflSciently  natural  born  to  grapple  with  it. 
Now,  Mrs.  Edwards  seems  to  know  what  is  re- 
quired. She  was  born  utterly  without  affecta- 
tion. When  she  was  born  she  just  seemed  to 
say  to  those  who  happened  to  be  present  at  the 
time,  'Tellow  citizens,  you  will  have  to  take  me 
just  as  you  find  me.  I  cannot  dissemble  or  ap- 
pear to  be  otherwise  than  what  I  am.  I  am  the 
most  natural  born  and  highly  celebrated  all  over 
the  country  clairvoyant  now  traveling  on  the 
road,  and  Wonder  from  the  Pacific  coast."  She 
then  let  off  a  whoop  that  ripped  open  the  sable 
robes  of  night,  after  which  she  took  a  light 
hinch  and  retired  to  her  dressing-room. 

Ex-Mayor  Henry  C.  Eobinson,  of  Hartford, 
Conn.,  if  I  am  not  mistaken,  suggested  a  school 
of  journalism  at  least  twelve  years  ago,  but  it 
did  not  meet  with  immediate  and  practical  in- 
dorsement. !N"ow  Cornell  comes  forward  and 
seems  to  be  in  earnest,  and  I  am  glad  of  it.  The 
letters  received  from  day  to  day  by  editors,  and 
written  to  them  by  men  engaged  in  other  pur- 
suits, practically  admit  and  prove  that  there  is 


HOW  TO  TEACH  JOURNALISM.      109 

not  now  in  existence  an  editor  who  knows 
enough  to  carry  liver  to  a  bear. 

That  is  the  reason  why  every  means  should 
be  used  to  pull  this  profession  out  of  the  mire  of 
dense  ignorance  and  place  it  upon  the  high,  dry 
soil  which  leads  to  genius  and  consanguinity. 

The  above  paragraph  I  quote  from  a  treatise 
on  journalism  which  I  wrote  just  before  I  knew 
anything  about  it. 

The  life  of  the  journalist  is  a  hard  one,  and, 
although  it  is  not  so  trying  as  the  life  of  the 
newspaper  man,  it  is  full  of  trials  and  perplexi- 
ties. If  nevv'spaper  men  and  journalists  did  not 
stand  by  each  other  I  do  not  know  what  joy  they 
would  have.  Kindness  for  each  other,  gentle- 
ness and  generosity,  even  in  their  rivalry,  char- 
acterize the  cOiiduct  of  a  large  number  of  them. 

I  shall  never  forget  my  first  opportunity  to  do 
a  kind  act  for  a  fellow  newspaper  man,  nor  with 
what  pleasure  I  availed  myself  of  it,  though  he 
was  my  rival,  especially  in  the  publication  of 
large  and  spirited  equestrian  handbills  and  post- 
ers, lie  also  printed  a  rival  paper  and  assailed  me 
most  bitterly  from  time  to  time.  His  name  was 
Lorenzo  Dow  Pease,  and  we  had  carried  on  an 
acrimonious  warfare  for  two  years.  He  had 
said  that  I  was  a  reformed  Prohibitionist  and 


BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

that  I  had  left  a  neglected  wife  in  every  State 
in  the  Union.  I  had  stated  that  he  would  give 
better  satisfaction  if  he  would  wear  his  brains 
breaded.  Then  he  had  said  something  else  that 
was  personal  and  it  had  gone  on  so  for  some  time. 
We  devoted  fifteen  minutes  each  day  to  the 
manaj^ement  of  our  respective  papers,  and  the 
balsnoe  of  the  day  to  doing  eaoh  othw  ap  in  a 
way  to  please  our  subscribers. 

One  evening  Liorenzo  Dow  Pease  oame  into 
my  office  and  said  he  wanted  to  see  me  person- 
ally. I  said  that  would  suit  me  exactly  and  that 
if  he  had  asked  to  see  me  in  any  other  way  I  did 
not  know  how  I  could  have  arranged  it.  He 
aaid  he  meant  that  he  would  like  to  see  me  by 
myselt  I  therefore  disoharged  the  forott,  tamed 
out  the  dog  and  we  had  the  office  to  ourselves. 
I  could  see  that  he  was  in  trouble,  for  every  lit- 
tle while  he  would  brush  away  a  tear  in  an  under- 
handed kind  of  way  and  swallow  a  large,  imag- 
inary mass  of  something.  I  asked  Lorenzo  why 
he  felt  so  depressed,  and  he  said  :  "William,  I 
have  came  here  for  a  favor."  He  always  said 
"I  have  came,"  for  he  was  a  self-made  man  and 
hadn't  done  a  very  good  job  either.  "I  have 
came  here  for  a  favor.  I  wrote  a  reply  to  your 
venomous  attack  of  to-day  and  I  expected  to 


EO  W  TO  TEA CH  JO  UBNALISM.       Ill 

publish  it  to-morrow  in  my  paper,  but,  to  tell 
you  the  truth,  we  are  out  of  paper.  At  least, 
we  have  a  few  bundles  at  the  freight  oiSace,  but 
they  have  taken  to  sending  it  C.  O.  D.,  and  I 
haven't  the  means  just  at  hand  to  take  it  out. 
N^ow,  as  a  brother  in  the  great  and  glorious  or- 
der of  journalism,  would  it  be  too  much  for  you 
to  loan  me  a  couple  of  bundles  of  paper  to  do 
me  till  I  get  my  pay  for  some  equestrian  bills 
struck  off  Friday  and  just  as  good  as  the  wheat?" 

"How  long  would  a  couple  of  bundles  last 
you?"  I  asked  as  I  looked  out  at  the  window  and 
wondered  if  he  would  reveal  his  circulation. 

'Tive  issues  and  a  little  over,"  he  said,  filling 
his  pipe  from  a  small  box  on  the  desk. 

"But  you  could  cut  off  your  exchanges  and 
then  it  would  last  longer,"  I  remarked. 

"Yes,  but  only  for  one  additional  issue.  I  am 
very  anxious  to  appear  to-morrow,  because  my 
subscribers  will  be  looking  for  a  reply  to  what 
you  said  about  me  this  morning.  You  stated 
that  I  was  'a  journalistic  bacteria  looking  for 
something  to  infect,'  and  while  I  did  not  come 
here  to  get  you  to  retract,  I  would  like  it  as  a 
favor  if  you  would  loan  me  enough  white  paper 
to  set  myself  straight  before  my  subscribers." 

"Well,  why  dontyou  go  and  tell  them  about 


112 

it?  It  wouldn't  take  long,"  I  said  in  a  jocund 
way,  slapping  Lorenzo  on  the  back.  But  he  did 
not  laugh.  I  then  told  him  that  we  only  had 
paper  enough  to  last  us  till  our  next  bill  came, 
and  so  I  could  not  possibly  loan  any,  but  that  if 
he  would  write  a  caustic  reply  to  my  editorial  I 
would  print  it  for  him.  He  caught  me  in  his 
arms  and  then  for  a  moment  his  head  was  pil- 
lowed on  my  breast.  Then  he  sat  down  and 
wrote  the  following  card  : 

Editor  of  the  Boomerang: 

Will  you  allow  me  through  your  columns  to  state  that  in 
your  issue  of  yesterday  you  did  me  a  Tgreat  injustice  by  re- 
ferring to  me  as  a  journalistic  bacteria  looking  for  eome- 
thicg  to  infect;  also,  as  a  lop-eared  germ  of  contagion,  and 
warning  people  to  vaccinate  in  order  to  prevent  mj'  spread? 
I  denounce  the  whole  article  as  a  malicious  falsehood,  and 
state  that  if  you  will  only  give  me  a  chance  I  will  fight  you 
on  sight.  All  I  ask  is  that  you  will  wait  till  I  can  overtake 
you,  and  I  am  able  and  willing  to  knock  great  chunks  off  the 
universe  with  you.  I  do  not  ask  any  favors  of  an  editor  who 
misleads  his  subscribers  and  intentionally  misunderstands 
bis  correspondents;  a  man  who  advises  an  anxious  inquirer 
who  wants  to  know  "how  to  get  a  cheap  baby  buggy"  to 
leave  the  child  at  a  cheap  hotel;  a  man  who  assumes  to 
wear  brains,  but  who  really  thinks  with  a  fungus  growth; 
a  man  the  bleak  and  barren  exterior  of  whose  head  is  only 
equalled  by  its  bald  and  echoing  interior. 

LoBENZo  Dow  Phase. 

I  looked  it  over,  and  as  there  didn't  seem  to 
be  anything  personal  in  it,  I  told  him  I  would 


HOW  TO  TEACH  JOURNALISM.      113 

print  it  for  bim  with  pleasui-e.  He  theu  asked 
tliat  I  would,  as  a  further  favor,  refrain  from 
putting  any  advertising  marks  on  it  and  that  I 
would  make  it  follow  pure  reading  matter,  which 
I  did.  I  leaded  the  card  and  printed  it  with  a 
simple  word  of  introduction,  in  which  I  said 
that  I  took  pleasure  in  printing  it,  inasmuch  as 
Mr.  Pease  could  not  get  his  paper  out  of  the  ex- 
press oflSce  for  a  few  days.  It  was  a  kindness  to 
him  and  did  not  hurt  my  paper  in  the  end. 

There  are  many  reasons  why  the  establish- 
ment of  a  department  of  journalism  at  Cornell 
will  be  a  good  move,  and  I  believe  that  while  it 
will  not  take  the  place  of  actual  experience,  it 
will  serve  to  shorten  the  apprenticeship  of  a 
young  newspaper  man  and  the  fatigue  of  start- 
ing the  amateur  in  journalism  will  be  divided 
between  the  managing  editor  and  the  tutor.  It 
will  also  give  the  aspiring  sons  of  wealthy 
parents  a  chance  to  toy  with  journalism  without 
interfering  with  those  who  are  actually  eng^^d 
f-nit  ^ 


I  ALWAYS  enjoy  a  vegetable  garden,  and 
through  the  winter  I  look  forward  to  the 
spring  days  when  I  will  take  my  cob  pipe  and 
hoe  and  go  joyously  afield.  I  like  to  toy  with 
the  moist  earth  and  the  common  squash  bug  of 
the  work-a-day  world.  It  is  a  pleasure  also  to 
irrigate  the  garden,  watering  the  sauer  kraut 
plant  and  the  timid  tomato  vine  as  though  they 
were  children  asking  for  a  drink.  I  am  never 
happier  than  when  I  am  engaged  in  irrigating 
my  tropical  garden  or  climbing  my  neighbor 
with  a  hoe  when  he  shuts  off  my  water  supply 
by  sticking  an  old  pair  of  pantaloons  in  the 
canal  that  leads  to  my  squash  conservatory. 

One  day  a  man  shut  off  my  irrigation  that 
way  and  dammed  the  water  up  to  such  a  degree 
that  I  shut  off  his  air  supply,  and  I  was  about 
to  say  dammed  him  up  also.  We  had  quite  a 
scuflBe.  Up  to  that  time  we  had  never  ex- 
changed a  harsh  word.  That  morning  I  noticed 
that  my  early  climbing  horse-radish  and  my 
dwarf  army  worms   were  looking   a  little  au 


-    mS  OABDEN.  118 

revoir,  and  I  wondered  what  was  the  mat- 
ter. I  had  been  absent  several  days  and 
was  grieved  to  notice  that  my  garden  had  a  kind 
of  blase  air,  as  though  it  needed  rest  and  change 
of  scene. 

The  Poland  China  egg-plant  looked  up  sadly 
at  me  and  seemed  to  say  :  "  Pardner,  don't  you 
think  it's  a  long  time  between  drinks  ?  "  The 
watermelon  seemed  to  have  a  dark  brown  taste 
in  its  mouth,  and  there  was  an  air  of  gloom  all 
over  the  garden. 

At  that  moment  I  discovered  my  next-door 
neighbor  at  the  ditch  on  the  corner.    He  was 
singing  softly  to  himself : 
O,  yes,  I'll  meet  you  ; 
I'll  meet  you  when  the  sun  goes  down. 

He  was  also  jamming  an  old  pair  of  Rem- 
brandt pants  into  the  canal,  where  they -would 
shut  off  my  supply.  He  stood  with  his  back  to- 
■vyards  me,  and  just  as  he  said  he  would  "  meet 
me  when  the  sun  went  down,"  I  smote  him 
across  the  back  of  the  neck  with  my  hoe  handle, 
and  before  he  could  recover  from  the  first  dumb 
surprise  and  wonder,  I  pulled  the  dripping  pan- 
taloons out  of  the  ditch  and  tied  them  in  a  true- 
lover's  knot  around  his  neck.  He  began  to  look 
black  in  the  face,  and  his  struggles  soon  ceaised 


116  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

altogether.  At  that  moment  his  wife  came  out 
and  shrieked  two  pure  womanly  shrieks,  and 
hissed  in  my  ear :  "  You  have  killed  me 
husband ! " 

I  said,  possibly  I  had.  If  so,  would  she  please 
send  in  the  bill  and  I  would  adjust  it  at  an  early 
day.  I  said  this  in  a  bantering  tone  of  voice, 
and  raising  my  hat  to  her  in  that  polished  way 
of  mine,  started  to  go,  Vfhen  something  fell 
with  a  thud  on  the  greensward  ! 

It  was  the  author  of  these  lines.  I  did  not 
know^  till  two  days  afterward  that  my  neighbor's 
wife  wore  a  moire  antique  rolling-pin  under 
her  apron  that  morning.  I  did  not  suspect  it 
till  it  was  too  late.  The  affair  was  kind  of 
hushed  up  on  account  of  the  respectability  of 
the  parties. 

By  the  time  I  had  recovered  the  garden 
seemed  to  melt  away  into  thin  air.  My  neigh- 
bor had  it  all  his  own  way,  and  while  his  proud 
hollyhocks  and  Johnny-jump-ups  reared  their 
heads  to  drink  the  mountain  water  at  the 
twilight  hour,  my  little,  low-necked,  summer 
squashes  curled  up  and  died. 

Most  every  year  yet  I  made  a  garden.  1  pay  a 
man  $3  to  plow  it.  Then  I  pay  $7.50  for  garden 
seeds  and  in  July  I  hire   the   same   man    at; 


HIS  GARDEN.  11, 

$3  to  summer-fallow  the  whole  thing  while  I  go 
and  buy  my  vegetables  of  a  Chinaman  name^J 
Wun  Lung.  I've  done  this  now  for  eight  yearc>, 
and  I  owe  my  robust  health  and  rich  olive  com- 
I>lexion  to  the  fact  that  I've  got  a  garden  and 
do  just  as  little  in  it  as  possible. 

Parties  desiring  a  dozen  or  more  of  my  Shang- 
hai egg-plants  to  set  under  an  ordinary  domestic 
hen  can  procure  the  same  by  writing  to  me  and 
enclosing  lock  of  hair  and  $10. 


U/ritt(^9  to  t\)<^  Boy. 

ASHEVILLE,  IST.  C,  Feb.  16,  1887. 

mY  DEAR  HENRY :  Your  last  issue  of 
the  Retina,  your  new  thought  vehicle, 
published  at  New  Belony,  this  state,  was 
received  yesterday.  I  like  this  number,  I  think, 
better  than  I  did  the  first.  "While  the  news 
in  it  seems  fresher,  the  editorial  assertions  are 
not  so  fresh.  You  do  not  state  that  you  "  have 
come  to  stay  "  this  week,  but  I  infer  that  you 
occupy  the  same  position  you  did  last  week  with 
reference  to  that. 

I  was  more  especially  interested  in  your  piece 
about  how  to  rear  children  and  the  care  of  par- 
ents. I  read  it  to  your  mother  last  night  while 
she  was  setting  her  bread.  Nothing  tickles  me 
very  often  at  my  time  of  life,  and  when  I  laugh 
a  loud  peal  of  laughter  at  anything  nowadays  it's 
got  to  be  a  pretty  blamed  good  thing,  I  can  tell 
you  that.  But  your  piece  about  bringing  up  chil- 
dren made  me  laugh  real  hard.  I  enjoy  a  piece 
like  that  from  the  pen  of  a  juicy  young  brain  like 


WRITTEN  TO   THE  BOY.  119 

yoiu'S.  It  almost  made  me  young  again  to  read 
the  words  of  my  journalistic  gosling  son. 

You  also  say  that  "teething  is  the  most  try- 
ing time  for  parents."  Do  you  mean  that  par- 
ents are  more  fretful  when  they  are  teething 
than  any  other  time  ?  Your  mother  and  me 
reckoned  that  you  must  mean  that.  If  so,  it 
shows  you-r  great  research.  How  a  mere  child 
hardly  out  of  knee-panties,  a  young  shoot 
like  you,  who  was  never  a  parent  for  a  moment 
in  his  life,  can  enter  into  and  understand  the 
woes  that  beset  parents  is  morethan  I  can  un- 
derstand. If  you  had  been  through  what  I  have 
while  teething  I  could  see  how  you  might  un- 
derstand and  write  about  it,  but  at  present  I  do 
not  see  through  it.  The  first  teeth  I  cut  as  a 
parent  made  me  very  restless.  I  was  sick  two 
years  ago  with  a  new  disease  that  was  just  out 
and  the  doctor  gave  me  something  for  it  that 
made  my  teeth  fall  like  the  leaves  of  autumn. 
In  six  weeks  after  I  began  to  convalesce  my 
mouth  was  perfectly  bald-headed.  Por  days  I 
didn't  bite  into  a  Ben  Davis  apple  that  I  didn't 
leave  a  fang  into  it. 

Well,  after  that  I  saw  an  advertisement  in  the 
Bur<il  Rustler — a  paper  I  used  to  take  then — of  a 
place  where  you  could  get  a  set  of  teeth  for  $6. 


120  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

I  didn't  want  to  buy  a  high-priced  and  gaudy 
set  of  teeth  at  the  tail  end  of  such  a  life  as  I  had 
'ed,  and  I  knew  that  teeth,  no  matter  how  ex- 
pensive they  might  be,  would  be  of  little  avail 
to  coming  generations,  so  I  went  over  to  the 
place  named  in  the  paper  and  got  an  impression 
of  my  mouth  taken. 

There  is  really  nothing  in  this  life  that  will 
take  the  stiff-necked  pride  out  of  a  man  like 
viewing  a  plaster  cast  of  his  tottering  mouth. 
The  dentist  fed  me  with  a  large  ladle  full  of 
putty  or  plaster  of  paris,  I  reckon,  and  told  me 
to  hold  it  in  my  mouth  till  it  set. 

I  don't  remember  a  time  in  all  my  life  when 
the  earth  and  transitory  things  ever  looked  so 
undesirable  and  so  trifling  as  they  did  while  I 
sat  there  in  that  big  red  barber-chair  witli  my 
mouth  full  of  cold  putty.  I  felt  just  as  a  man 
might  when  he  is  being  taxidermied. 

After  awhile  the  dentist  took  out  the  cast.  It 
was  a  cloudy  day  and  so  it  didn't  look  much 
like  me  after  all.  If  it  had  I  would  have  sent 
you  one.  After  I'd  set  again  two  or  three  times, 
we  got  a  pretty  fair  likeness,  he  said,  and  I  went 
home,  having  paid  $6  and  left  my  address. 

Three  weeks  after  that  a  small  boy  came  with 
my  new  teeth. 


WBITTEN  TO   TEE  BOY.  121 

They  were  nice,  white,  shiny  teeth,  and 
did  not  look  very  ghastly  after  I  had  become 
used  to  them.  I  wished  at  first  that  the  gums 
had  bfeen  a  duller  red  and  that  the  teeth  had 
not  looked  so  new.  I  put  them  in  my  mouth,  but 
they  felt  cold  and  distant.  I  took  them  out  and 
warmed  them  in  the  sunlight.  People  going  by 
no  doicbt  thought  that  I  did  it  to  show  that  I 
was  able  to  have  new  teeth,  but  that  was  not  the 
case. 

I  wore  them  all  that  forenoon  while  I  butch- 
ered. There  were  times  during  the  forenoon 
when  I  wanted  to  take  them  out,  but  when  a 
man  is  butchering  he  hates  to  take  his  teeth  out 
just  because  they  hurt. 

Neighbors  told  me  that  after  my  mouth  got 
hardened  on  the  inside  it  would  feel  better. 

But,  oh,  how  it  relieved  me  at  night  to  take 
those  teeth  out  and  put  them  on  the  top  of  a 
cool  bureau,  where  the  wind  could  blow  through 
their  whiskers  1  How  I  hated  to  resume  them 
in  the  morning  and  start  in  on  another  long  day, 
when  thb  roof  of  my  mouth  felt  like  a  big,  red 
bunion  bind  my  gums  like  a  pale  red  stone- 
bruise. 

A  yeai  ago,  Henry,  about  two-thirty  in  the 
afternoox.  1  think  it  was,  I  left  that  set  of  teeth 


122  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

In  the  rare  flank  of  a  barbecue  I  was  to  in  oni 
town. 

Since  then  I  have  not  been  so  pretty,  perhaps, 
but  1  have  no  more  unicorns  on  the  rafters  of 
my  mouth  and  my  note  is  just  as  good  at  thirty 
days  as  ever  it  was. 

You  are  right,  Henry,  when  you  go  on  to  state 
in  your  paper  that  teething  is  the  most  trying 
time  for  parents. 

Ta,  ta,  as  the  feller  says.  Your  father. 


PQSu/^rs  to  C^orr^spopd^Qts. 

George  E.  Beath,  Areola,  111.,  writes  to  know 
"the  value  of  a  silver  dollar  of  1878  with  eight 
feathers  in  the  eagle's  tail." 

It  is  worth  what  you  can  get  for  it,  Mr.  Beath. 
Perhaps  the  better  way  would  be  to  forward  it 
to  me  and  I  will  do  the  best  I  can  with  it.  There 
being  but  eight  feathers  in  the  eagle's  tail  would 
be  no  drawback.  Send  it  to  me  at  once  and  I 
will  work  it  off  for  you,  Mr.  Beath. 

"Tutor,"  Tucson,  Ariz.,  asks  "What  do  you 
regard  as  the  best  method  of  teaching  the 
alphabet  to  children  ?  " 

Very  likely  my  method  would  hardly  receive 
your  indorsement,  but  with  my  own  children  I 
succeed  by  using  an  alphabet  with  the  names 
attached,  which  I  give  below.  I  find  that  by 
connecting  the  alphabet  with  certain  easy  and 
intere-sting  subjects  the  child  rapidly  acquires 
knowledge  of  the  letter,  and  it  becomes  firmly 
fixed  in  the  mind.  I  use  the  follov.ing  list  of 
alphabetical  names  in  the  order  given  below ; 


124  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

A  is  for  Antediluvian,  Anarchistic  and  Aga^ 
memnon. 

B  is  for  Bucephalus,  Burgundy  and  Bull-head. 

C  is  for  Cantharides,  Confucius  and  Casablanca. 

D  is  for  Deuteronomy,  Delphi  and  Dishabille. 

E  is  for  Euripedes,  European  and  Effervescent. 

E  is  for  Fumigate,  Farinaceous  and  Funda- 
mental. 

G  is  for  Garrulous,  Gastric  and  Gangrene. 

H  is  for  Hamestrap,  Honeysuckle  and  Hoyle. 

I  is  for  Idiosyncrasy,  Idiomatic  and  Iodine. 

J  is  for  Jaundice,  Jamaica  and  Jeu-d'esprit. 

K  is  for  Kandilphi,  Kindergarten  and  KuKlux. 

L  is  for  Lop-sided,  Lazarus  and  Llano  Estacado. 

M  is  for  Menengitis,  Mardi  Gras  and  Meso- 
potamia. 

N  is  for  Narragansett,  ^Neapolitan  and  Nix- 
comarous. 

0  is  for  Oleander,  Oleaginous  and  Oleomar- 
garine. 

P  is  for  Phlebotomy,  Phthisic  and  Parabola. 

Q  is  for  Query,  Quasi  and  Quits. 

B  is  for  Rejuvenate,  Regina  and  Requiescat. 

S  is  for  Simultaneous,  Sigauche  and  SaleratuSc 

T  is  for  Tubercular,  Themistocles  and  There- 
abouts. 

TJ  is  for  Ultramarine,  Uninitiated  andUtopiau. 


ANSWERS  TO  C0BBESP0NDENT8.   125 

y  is  for  Yoluminous,  Voltaire  and  Vivisection. 
W  is  for  Witherspoon,  Woodcraft  and  Washer- 
woman. 
X  is  for  Xenophon,  Xerxes  and  Xmas. 
Y   is  for  Ysdle,  Yahoo  and  Yellowjacket. 
Z  is  for  Zoological,  Zanzibar  and  Zacatecas. 


In  this  way  the  eye  of  the  child  is  first  appealed 
to.  He  becomes  familiar  with  the  words  which 
begin  with  a  certain  letter,  and  before  he  knows 
it  the  letter  itself  has  impressed  itself  upon  his 
memory. 

Sometimes,  however,  where  my  children  were 
slow  to  remember  a  word  and  hence  its  cor- 
responding letter,  I  have  drawn  the  object  on  a 
blackboard  or  on  the  side  of  the  barn.  For 
instance,  we  will  suppose  that  D  is  hard  to  fix 
in  the  mind  of  the  pupil  and  the  words  to  which 
it  belongs  as  an  initial  do  not  readily  cling  to 
memory.  I  have  only  to  draw  upon  the 
board  a  Deuteronomy,  a  Delphi,  or  a  Dishabille, 
and  he  will  never  forget  it.  No  matter  how  he 
may  struggle  to  do  so,  it  will  still  continue  to 
haunt  his  brain  forever.  The  same  with  Z, 
which  is  a  very  difficult  letter  to  remember.  I 
assist  the  memoiy  by  stimulating  the  eye,  draw- 
ing rapidly,  and  crudely  perhaps,  a  Zoological, 


126  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS 

a  Zanzibar  or  a  Zacatecas. 

The  great  difficulty  in  teaching  children  the 
letters  is  that  there  is  really  nothing  in  the 
naked  alphabet  itself  to  win  a  child's  love.  We 
must  dress  it  in  attractive  colors  and  gaudy 
plumage  so  that  he  will  be  involuntarily  drawn 
to  it. 

Those  who  have  used  my  method  say  that 
after  mastering  the  alphabet,  the  binomial 
theorum  and  the  rule  in  Shelly 's  case  seemed 
like  child's  play.  This  goes  to  show  what  method 
and  discipline  will  accomplish  in  the  mind  of 
the  young. 

"  Fond  Mother,"  Braley's  Fork,  asks :  "  What 
shall  I  name  my  little  girl  baby  ?  " 

That  will  depend  upon  yourself  very  largely, 
"  Fond  Mother."  Very  likely  if  your  little  girl 
is  very  rugged  and  grows  up  to  be  the  fat  woman 
in  a  museum,  she  will  wear  the  name  of  Lily. 
When  a  girl  is  named  Lily,  she  at  once  manifests 
a  strong  desire  to  grow  up  with  a  complexion 
like  Othello  and  the  same  fatal  yearning  for 
some  one  to  strangle.  This  is  not  always  thus, 
but  girls  are  obstinate,  and  it  is  better  not  to 
put  a  name  on  a  girl  baby  that  she  will  not  live 
up  to. 

Again,  "  Fond  Mother,"  let  me  urge  you  tore- 


JI(8WEB8  TO  COBEESPONDENTS.    127 

frain  from  naming  your  little  daughter  a  soft, 

flabby  name  like  Irma,  Geraldine,  Bandoline, 

Lilelia,  Potassa,  Valerian,  Kosetta  or  Castoria. 

These  names  belong  to  the  inflammatory  pages 

of  the  American  novelette.    Do  not  put  such  a 

name  on  your  innocent   child.    Imagine   this 

inscription  on  a  marble  slab : 

* * 

TRIFOLIATA, 

Beloved  daughter  cxf 

QsRAiiD  AND  Vaseline  Tubbs, 

Died  March  2T,  1888. 

She  caught  cold  in  her  front  name. 

* * 

I  have  seen  a  young  lady  try  faithfully  foi" 
years  to  live  down  one  of  these  flimsy,  cheese- 
cloth names,  but  the  harsh  world  would  not 
have  it.  A  good  name  is  rather  to  be  chosen 
than  great  riches,  and  while  I  can  imagine  your 
little  girl  in  future  years  as  a  white-haired  and 
lovely  grandmother,  wearing  the  name  of  Mary 
or  Kuth,  with  a  double  chin  that  seems  to  ever 
beckon  the  old  gentleman  to  come  and  chuck 
his  fat  forefinger  under  it,  I  cannot,  in  my 
mind's  eye,  see  her  as  a  household  deity,  wearing 
a  white  cap  and  the  name  of  Eosette  or  Penum- 
bra, or  Sogodontia,  or  Catalpa,  or  Voxhumania. 


5l7(?  Farmer  apd  tl?(^  Tariff- 

ON  BOAED  a  western  train  the  other  day  I 
held  in  my  bosom  for  over  seventy -five 
miles  the  elbow  of  a  large  man  whose  name 
I  do  not  know.  He  was  not  a  railroad  hog  or  I 
would  have  resented  it.  He  was  built  wide  and 
he  couldn't  help  it,  so  I  forgave  him. 

He  had  a  large,  gentle,  kindly  eye,  and  when 
he  desired  to  spit  he  went  to  the  car  door, 
opened  it  and  decorated  the  entire  outside  of 
the  train,  forgetting  that  our  speed  would  help 
to  give  scope  to  his  remarks. 

Katurally,  as  he  sat  there  by  my  side,  holding 
on  tightly  to  his  ticket  and  evidently  afraid  the 
conductor  would  forget  to  come  and  get  it,  I  be- 
gan to  figure  out  in  my  mind  what  might  be  his 
business.  He  had  pounded  one  thumb  so  that 
the  nail  was  black  where  the  blood  had  settled 
under  it.  This  might  happen  to  a  shoemaker, 
a  carpenter,  a  blacksmith,  or  almost  any  one 
else.  So  it  didn't  help  me  out  much,  though  it 
looked  to  me  as  though  it  might  have  been  done 
by  trying  to  drive  a  fence-nail  through  a  leather 


THE  FARMEB  AND  TEE  TARIFF.     129 

jlinge  with  the  back  of  an  ax,  and  nobody  but  a 
farmer  would  try  to  do  that.  Following  up  the 
clew,  I  discovered  that  he  had  milk  on  his  boots, 
and  then  I  knew  I  was  right.  The  man  who 
milks  before  daylight  in  a  dark  barn  when  the 
thermometer  is  28°  below  zero,  and  who  hits 
his  boots  by  reason  of  the  uncertain  light 
and  prudishness  of  the  cow,  is  a  marked  man. 
He  cannot  conceal  the  fact  that  he  is  a  farmer 
unless  he  removes  that  badge.  So  I  started  out 
on  that  theory,  and  remarked  that  this  would 
pass  for  a  pretty  hard  winter  on  stock.  The 
thought  was  not  original  with  me,  for  I  have 
heard  it  expressed  by  others  either  in  this  coun- 
try or  Europe.    He  said  it  would. 

"  My  cattle  has  gone  through  a  mowful  o'  hay 
sence  October  and  eleven  ton  o'  brand.  Hay 
don't  seem  to  have  the  goodness  to  it  thet  it  hed 
last  year,  and  with  their  new  process  griss  mills 
they  jerk  all  the  juice  out  o'  brand,  so's  you 
might  as  well  feed  cows  with  excelsior  and 
upholster  your  horses  with  hemlock  bark  as  to 
buy  brand." 

"  Well,  why  do  you  run  so  much  to  stock  ? 
Why  don't  you  try  diversified  farming  and  rota- 
tion of  crops  ?  " 

"  Well,  prob'ly  you  got  that  idee  in  the  papers. 


180  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

A  man  that  earns  big  wages  writincf  'Farm 
Hints'  for  agricultural  papers  can  make  more 
money  with  a  soft  lead-pencil  and  two  or  three 
season-cracked  idees  like  that  'n  I  can  carrying 
of  'em  out  on  the  farm.  We  used  to  have  a  fel- 
ler in  the  drug-store  in  our  town  that  wrote 
such  good  pieces  for  the  Bund  Vermonter,  and 
made  up  such  a  good  condition  powder  out  of 
his  own  head  that  two  years  ago  we  asked  him 
to  write  a  nessay  for  the  annual  meeting  of  the 
Buckwheat  Trust,  and  to  use  his  own  judgment 
about  choice  of  subject.  And  what  do  you  s'pose 
he  had  selected  for  a  nessey  that  took  the  whole 
forenoon  to  read  ?  ■" 

"  What  subject,  you  mean  ?  " 

"Yes." 

"  Give  it  np  !  " 

"Well,  he'd  wrote  out  that  whole  blamed 
intellectual  wad  on  the  subject  of  'The  Inhu- 
manity of  Dehorning  Hydraulic  Kams.'  How's 
that  ?  " 

"  That's  pretty  fair." 

"Well,  farmin'  is  like  runnin'  a  paper  in 
regard  to  some  things.  Every  feller  in  the 
world  will  take  and  turn  in  and  tell  you  how  to 
do  it,  even  if  he  don't  know  a  blame  thing  about 
it.    There  ain't   a   man  in  the  United  States 


THE  FABMEB  AND  TEE  TABIFF.    131 

to-day  that  don't  secretly  think  he  could  run 
airy  one  if  his  other  business  busted  on  him, 
whether  he  knows  the  difference  between  a  new 
milch  cow  or  a  horse  hayrake  or  not.  We  had 
one  of  these  embroidered  nightshirt  farmers 
come  from  town  better 'n  three  years  ago.  Been 
a  toilet-soap  man  and  done  well,  and  so  he  came 
out  and  bought  a  farm  that  had  nothing  to  it 
but  a  fancy  house  and  barn,  a  lot  of  medder  in 
the  front  yard,  and  a  Southern  aspect.  The 
farm  was  no  good.  You  couldn't  raise  a  dis- 
turbance on  it.  Well,  what  does  he  do  ?  Goes 
and  gits  a  passle  of  slim-tailed  yeller  cows  from 
New  Jersey  and  aims  to  handle  cream  and 
diversified  farming.  Last  year  the  cuss  sent  a 
load  of  cream  over  and  tried  to  sell  it  at  the 
new  crematory  while  the  funeral  and  hollercost 
was  goin'  on.  I  may  be  a  sort  of  a  chump  my- 
self, but  I  read  my  paper  and  don't  get  left  like 
that." 

"What  are  the  prospects  for  farmers  in  your 
State  ?" 

"Well,  they  are  pore.  Never  was  so  pore,  in 
fact,  sence  I've  ben  there.  Folks  wonder  why 
boys  leaves  the  farm.  My  boys  left  so  as  to  get 
protected,  they  said,  and  so  they  went  into  a 
clothing  store,  one  of  'em,  and  one  went  into 


132  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

hardware,  and  one  is  talkin'  protection  in  the 
Legislature  this  winter.  They  said  that  f armiu' 
was  gettin'  to  be  lilse  fishin'  and  huntin',  well 
enough  for  a  man  that  has  means  and  leisure, 
but  they  couldn't  make  a  livin'  at  it,  they  said. 
Another  boy  is  in  a  drug  store,  and  the  man 
that  hires  him  says  he  is  a  royal  feller." 

"  Kind  of  a  castor  royal  feller,"  I  said,  with  a 
shriek  of  laughter. 

He  waited  until  I  had  laughed  all  I  wanted  to, 
and  then  he  said  : 

"  I've  always  hollered  for  high  tariff  in  order 
to  hyst  the  public  debt,  but  now  that  we've  got 
the  i^ational  debt  coopered  I  wish  they'd  take  a 
little  hack  at  mine.  I've  put  in  fifty  years  farm- 
in'.  I  never  drank  licker  in  any  form.  I've 
worked  from  ten  to  eighteen  hours  a  day  ;  been 
economical  in  cloz  and  never  went  to  a  show 
more'n  a  dozen  times  in  my  life ;  raised  a  family 
and  learned  upwards  of  two  hundred  calves  to 
drink  out  of  a  tin  pail  without  blowing  their 
vittles  up  my  sleeve.  My  wife  worked  alongside 
o'  me  sewin'  new  seats  on  the  boys'  pants,  skim- 
min'  milk,  and  even  helpin'  me  load  hay.  Eor 
forty  years  we  toiled  along  together  and  hardly 
got  time  to  look  into  each  other's  faces  or  dared 
to  stop  and  get  acquainted  with  each  other. 


THE  FARMER  AND  THE  TARIFF.    133 

Then  her  health  failed.  Ketched  cold  in  the 
springhouse,  prob'ly  skimmin'  milk,  and  wash- 
in'  pans,  and  scaldin'  pails,  and  spankin'  butter. 
Anyhow,  she  took  in  a  long  breath  one  day 
while  the  doctor  and  me  was  watchin'  her,  and 
she  says  to  me,  '  Henry,'  says  she,  '  I've  got  a 
chance  to  rest,'  and  she  put  one  tired,  wore-out 
hand  on  top  of  the  other  tired,  wore-out  hand, 
and  I  knew  she'd  gone  where  they  don't  work 
all  day  and  do  chores  all  night. 

"  I  took  time  to  kiss  her  then.  I'd  been  too 
busy  for  a  good  while  previous  to  do  that,  and 
then  I  called  in  the  boys.  After  the  funeral  it 
was  too  much  for  them  to  stay  around  and  eat 
the  kind  of  cookin'  we  had  to  put  up  with,  and 
nobody  spoke  up  around  the  house  as  we  used 
to.  The  boys  quit  whistlin'  around  the  barn, 
and  talked  kind  of  low  to  themselves  about 
goin'  to  town  and  getting  a  job. 

"  They're  all  gone  now,  and  the  snow  Is  tour 
feet  deep  up  there  on  mother's  grave  in  the  old 
berryin'-ground." 

Then  both  of  us  looked  out  of  the  car-window 
quite  a  long  while  without  saying  anything. 

"  I  don't  blame  the  boys  for  going  into  some- 
thing else  long's  other  things  pays  better ;  but 
I  say  — and  I  say  what  I  know  — that  the  man 


134  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

who  holds  the  prosperity  of  this  country  in  his 
hands,  the  man  that  actually  makes  the  money 
for  other  people  to  spend,  the  man  that  eats 
three  good,  simple,  square  meals  a  day  and  goes 
to  bed  at  9  o'clock  so  that  future  generations 
with  good  blood  and  cool  brains  can  go  from  his 
farm  to  the  Senate  and  Congress  and  the  White 
House  —  he  is  the  man  that  gets  left  at  last  to 
run  his  farm,  with  nobody  to  help  him  but  a 
hired  man  and  a  high  protective  tariff.  The 
farms  in  our  State  is  mortgaged  for  over 
$700,000,000.  Ten  of  our  Western  States  —  I  see 
by  the  papers  —  has  got  about  three  billion  and 
a  half  mortgages  on  their  farms,  and  that  don't 
count  the  chattel  mortgages  filed  with  the  town 
clerks  on  farm  machinery,  stock,  waggins,  and 
even  crops,  by  gosh !  that  ain't  two  inches  high 
under  the  snow.  That's  what  the  prospect  is 
for  farms  now.  The  Government  is  rich,  but 
the  men  that  made  it,  the  men  that  fought  pe- 
rarie  fires  and  perarie  wolves  and  Injins  and 
potato  bugs  and  blizzards,  and  has  paid  the  war 
debt  and  pensions  and  everything  else,  and  hol- 
lored  for  the  Union  and  the  Kepublican  party 
and  high  tariff  and  anything  else  that  they  was 
told  to,  is  left  high  and  dry  this  cold  winter  with 
a  mortgage  of  seven  billions  and  a  half  on  the 


THE  FARMER  AND  THE  TARIFF.    135 

farms  they  have  earned  and  saved  a  thousand 
times  over." 

"  Yes ;  but  look  at  the  glory  of  sending  from 
the  farm  the  future  President,  the  future  Sena- 
tor and  the  future  member  of  Congress." 

"  That  looks  well  on  paper ;  but  what  does  it 
really  amount  to  ?  Soon  as  a  farmer  boy  gits 
in  a  place  like  that  he  forgets  the  soil  that  pro- 
duced and  holds  his  head  as  high  as  a  hollyhock. 
He  bellers  for  protection  to  everybody  but  the 
farmer,  and  while  he  sails  round  in  a  highty- 
tighty  room  with  a  fire  in  it  night  and  day,  his 
father  on  the  farm  has  to  kindle  his  own  fire  in 
the  morning  with  elm  slivers,  and  he  has  to 
wear  his  son's  lawn-tennis  suit  next  to  him  or 
freeze  to  death,  and  he  has  to  milk  in  an  old 
gray  shawl  that  has  held  that  membar  of  Con- 
gress since  he  was  a  baby,  by  gorry  I  and  the  old 
lady  has  to  sojourn  through  the  winter  in  the 
flannels  that  Silas  wor  at  the  rigatter  before  he 
went  to  Congress. 

"  So  I  say,  and  I  think  that  Congress  agrees 
with  me.  Damn  a  farmer,  anyhow  I  " 

He  then  went  away. 


DURING  tbe  recent  conventions  a  great  many 
good  speeches  have  been  made  which  did  not 
get  into  print  for  various  reasons.  Some 
others  did  not  even  get  a  hearing  and  still  others 
were  prepared  by  delegates  who  could  not  get 
the  eye  of  the  presiding  officer. 

The  manuscript  of  the  following  speech  bears 
the  marks  of  earnest  thought,  and  though  the 
author  did  not  obtain  recognition  on  the  floor  of 
the  convention  I  cannot  bear  to  see  an  apprecia- 
tive public  deprived  of  it : 

Mb.  Chairman  and  Gentlemen  of  the 
CONVENTION :  We  are  met  together  here  as  a 
representation  of  the  greatest  and  grandest 
party  in  the  world — a  party  that  has  been  first 
in  peace,  first  in  war  and  first  in  the  hearts  of 
its  countrymen,  as  the  good  book  has  it.  We 
come  together  here  to-day,  Gentlemen,  to  per- 
petuate by  our  action  the  principles  which  won 
us  victory  at  the  polls  and  wrenched  it  from  an 
irritated  and  disagreeable  foe  on  many  a  tented 
field.    I  refer  to  freedom. 


A  CONVENTIONAL  SPEECH.         137 

Our  partj'  has  ever  been  the  champion  of  free- 
dom. We  have  made  a  specialty  of  freedom. 
We  have  ever  been  in  the  van.  That's  why  we 
have  been  on  the  move.  Where  freedom  a 
quarter  of  a  century  ago  was  but  a  mere  name, 
now  we  have  fostered  it  and  aided  it  and  en- 
couraged it  and  made  it  pay. 

We  have  emancipated  a  whole  race,  several  of 
whom  have  since  voted  the  other  way.  But  we 
must  not  be  discouraged.  We  are  hereto  work. 
Let  us  do  it  and  so  advance  our  common  cause 
and  honor  God. 

But  who  is  to  be  the  leader?  Who  will  be 
able  to  carry  our  victorious  banner  from  Port- 
land, Me.,  to  Portland,  Ore.,  gayly  speaking 
pieces  from  the  tail-gate  of  a  train  ?  Who  is  suf- 
ficiently obscure  to  safely  make  the  race  ?  (Cries 
of  "Jeremiah  M.  Kusk,"  "Rudolph  Minkins 
Pitler,"  "Blaine,"  "James  Swartout,"  "John 
Sherman,"  "  Charlie  Kinney,"  &c.) 

The  eye  of  the  nation  is  upon  us.  We  cannot 
escape  the  awful  responsibility  which  we  have 
to-day  assumed.  With  all  our  anxiety  to  please 
our  friends  we  must  not  forget  that  we  are  here 
in  the  interests  of  universal  freedom.  Do  not 
allow  yourselves  to  be  blinded,  gentlemen,  by 
the  assurance  that  this  is  to  be  a  businessman's 


188  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

campaign,  a  campaign  in  wlncli  conflicting  busi- 
ness interests  are  to  figure  more  than  tlie  late 
war.  It  is  a  fight  involving  universal  freedom, 
as  I  said  in  our  conventions  four,  eight  and 
twelve  years  ago. 

We  have  before  us  a  pure  and  highly  elocution- 
ary platform.  Let  us  nominate  a  man  who  will, 
as  I  may  say,  aflBUiate  and  amalgamate  with  that 
platform.  Who  is  that  man  ?  (Cries  of  "  Blaine, 
Blaine,  James  G.  Blaine,"  "  Lockwood,  Lock- 
wood,  Belva  A.  Lockwood,"  and  general  con- 
fusion, during  which  John  A.  Wise  is  seen  to 
jerk  loose  about  a  nickel's  worth  of  Billy  Ma- 
hone's  whiskers.) 

Mr.  Chairman  and  Gentlemen  of  the  conven- 
tion, there  has  never  been  a  more  harmonious 
convention  in  the  United  States  to  my  knowl- 
edge since  the  Sioux  massacre  in  Minnesota.  We 
are  all  here  for  the  best  good  of  the  party  and 
each  is  willing  to  concede  something  rather  than 
create  any  ill-feeling.  Look  at  Mahone  for 
instance. 

We  have  a  good  platform,  now  let  us  nominate 
a  man  whose  record  is  in  harmony  with  that 
platform.  Freedom  has  ever  been  our  watch- 
word. Now  that  we  have  made  the  human  race 
within  our^borders  absolutely  free,  let  us  add  to 


A  CONVENTIONAL  SPEECH.        189 

our  magnificent  history  as  a  party  by  one  crown- 
ing act.  Let  us  fight  for  the  Emancipation  of 
Bum! 

Rum  has  always  been  a  mighty  power  in 
American  politics,  but  it  has  not  been  absolutely 
free.  Let  us  be  the  first  to  recognize  it  as  the 
great  corner-stone  of  American  institutions. 
Let  us  make  it  free. 

We  have  never  had  any  Daniel  "Websters  or 
Henry  Clays  since  rum  went  up  from  20  cents  a 
gallon  to  its  present  price.  The  war  tax  on 
whiskey  for  over  twenty  years  has  made  freedom 
a  farce  and  liberty  a  loud  and  empty  snort  in 
mid-air.  "Who,  then,  shall  be  our  standard- 
bearer  as  we  journey  onward  towards  victory  ? 
(Cries  of  "Blaine,  Blaine,  James  G.  Blaine," 
-and  confusion.) 

Gentlemen,  I  wish  that  a  better  and  thrillinger 
orator  had  been  selected  in  my  place  to  name 
the  candidate  on  whom  alone  I  can  unite. 
Soldiers,  rail-splitters,  statesmen,  canal  boys, 
tailors,  farmers,  merchants  and  school  teachers 
have  been  Presidents  of  the  United  States,  but 
to  my  knowledge  no  convention  has  ever  yet 
named  a  distiller.  I  have  the  honor  to-day  to 
name  a  modest  man  for  the  high  office  of  Presi- 
dent ;  a  man  who  never  before  allowed  his  name 


no  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

to  be  presented  to  a  convention ;  a  man  who 
never  even  stated  in  the  papers  that  his  name 
would  not  be  presented  to  the  convention  ;  a 
man  wlio  has  never  sought  or  courted  publicity 
even  in  his  own  business  ;  a  man  who  has  been 
a  distiller  in  a  quiet  way  for  over  fifteen  years 
and  yet  has  never  even  advertised  in  the  papers ; 
a  man  who  has  so  carefully  shunned  the  eye  of 
the  world  that  only  two  or  three  of  us  know 
where  his  place  of  business  is;  a  man  who  has 
such  an  utter  contempt  for  office  that  he  has 
shot  two  Government  officials  who  claimed  to 
be  connected  with  the  internal  revenue  business ; 
a  man  who  can  drink  or  let  it  alone,  but  who  has 
aimed  to  divide  the  time  up  about  equally  be- 
tween the  two  ;  a  man  who  had  absolutely  not^ 
ing  to  do  with  the  war,  not  having  heard  abocit 
it  in  time  ;  a  man  who  defies  his  culumniators 
or  anybody  else  of  his  heft ;  a  man  who  would 
paint  the  "White  House  red;  a  man  who  takes 
great  pleasure  in  being  his  own  worst  enemy. 
(Cries  of  "Name  him!  Kame  him!"  Great 
confusion,  and  cries  of  pain  from  several  har- 
monious delegates  who  are  getting  the  worst  of 
it.) 

Kot  to  take  up  your  time,  let  me  say  in  closing 
that  the  day  for  great  men  as  candidates  for  an 


A  CONVENTIONAL  SPEECH        141 

important  office  is  past.  Great  men  in  a  great 
country  antagonize  different  factions  and  are 
then  compelled  to  fall  back  on  literature.  What 
we  want  is  an  obscure  and  silent  chump.  I  have 
found  him.  He  has  never  antagonized  but  two 
men  in  his  life  and  they  are  now  voting  in  a 
better  land.  He  is  a  plain  man,  and  his  career 
at  "Washington  would  be  marked  with  more  or 
less  tobacco  juice.  For  over  fifteen  years  he 
has  been  constructing  at  his  country  seat  a  lurid 
style  of  whiskey  known  as  The  Essence  of  Crime. 
Quietly  and  unostentatiously  he  has  fought  for 
the  emancipation  of  whiskey  everywliere.  He 
says  that  we  are  too  prone  to  worry  about  our 
clothes  and  their  cost  and  to  give  too  little 
thought  to  our  tax-ridden  rum. 

Then,  Mr.  Chairman  and  Gentlemen,  here  in 
the  full  glare  of  public  approval,  feeling  that  the 
name  I  am  about  to  pronounce  will  in  a  few 
moments  flash  across  a  mighty  continent  and 
greet  the  moist  and  moaning  news  editor,  the 
grimy  peasant,  the  pussy  banker  and  the 
streaked  tennis  player ;  that  the  name  I  now 
nourish  in  my  panting  brain  will  soon  be  taken 
up  on  willing  tongues  and  borne  across  the 
union,  rising  and  saluting  the  hot  blue  dome  of 
heaven,  pulsating  across  the  ocean,  rocking  the 


142  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

beautifully  upholstered  thrones  of  the  Old 
World  and  calling  forth  a  dark  blue  torrent  of 
profanity  from  the  offices  of  the  illustrated 
papers,  none  of  which  will  be  provided  with  his 
portrait,  I  desire  to  name  Mr.  Clem  Beasly,  of 
Arkansaw,  a  man  who  has  spent  his  best  years 
manufacturing  man's  greatest  enemy.  I  hurrah 
for  him  and  holler  for  him,  and  love  him  for  the 
(hie)  enemy  he  has  made» 


f\  piea  for  Or^e  ip  /Adversity. 

ILEARIS'  with  much  sadness  that  Mr.  Wil- 
liam H.  Vanderbilt's  once  princely  fortune 
has  shrivelled  down  to  $150,000,000.  This 
piece  of  information  comes  to  me  like  a  clap 
of  thunder  out  of  a  clear  sky.  Once  petted, 
fondled  and  caressed,  William  H.  Vanderbilt 
shorn  of  his  wealth,  and  resting  upon  no 
foundation  but  his  sterling  integrity,  must 
struggle  along  with  the  rest  of  us. 

It  would  be  but  truth  to  say  that  Mr.  Vander- 
bilt will  receive  very  little  sympathy  from  the 
world  now  in  the  days  of  hia  adversity  and 
penury  when  the  wolf  is  at  his  door.  There  arn 
many  of  his  former  friends  who  will  say  thai; 
William  could  economize  and  struggle  along  on 
$150,000,000,  but  let  them  try  it  once  and  see 
how  they  would  like  it  themselves ;  $150,000,000, 
with  no  salary  outside  of  that  amount,  will  not 
last  forever. 

.A  poor  man  might  pinch  along  in  such  a  caie 
3t£)  ie  coulct  get  something  to  do,  but  we  must 


144  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS.' 

remember  that  Mr.  Yanderbilt  has  always  lived 
in  comparatively  comfortable  circumstances. 
His  hands,  therefore,  are  tender  and  his  stomach 
juts  out  into  the  autumn  air.  He  will,  there- 
fore, find  it  hard  at  first  to  husk  corn  and  dig 
potatoes.  When  he  stoops  over  a  sawbuck 
around  Kew  York  this  winter  his  stomach  will 
be  in  the  way  and  his  vest  will  no  doubt  split 
open  on  the  back.  All  these  things  will  annoy 
the  spoiled  child  of  luxury,  and  his  broad  fea- 
tures will  be  covered  with  sadness.  They  will, 
at  least,  if  there  is  sadness  enough  in  the 
country  to  do  it. 

The  fall  of  William  "H.  Vanderbilt  and  his 
headlong  plunge  from  the  proud  eminence  to 
which  his  means  had  elevated  him  downward 
to  the  criuging  poverty  of  $150,000,000  should  be 
a  sad  warning  to  us  all.  This  fate  may  fall  to 
any  of  us.  Oh,  let  us  be  prepared  when  the 
summons  comes.  For  one  I  believe  I  am  ready. 
Should  the  dread  news  come  to  me  to-morrow 
that  such  a  fate  had  befallen  me,  I  would 
uerVe  myself  up  to  it  and  meet  it  like  a 
man.  With  the  ruin  of  my  former  fortune  I 
would  buy  me  a  crust  of  bread  and  some  pie,  an*^ 
then  I  would  take  the  balance  and  go  over  into 
Canada  and  there  I  would  establish  a  home  for 


A  PLEA  FOE  ONE  IN  AD  VEESITY.   145 

friendless  bank  cashiers  who  are  now  there, 
several  hundred  of  them,  all  alone  and  with  no 
one  to  love  them. 

All  kinds  of  charitable  institutions,  costing 
many  thousands  of  dollars,  are  bviilt  in  America 
from  year  to  year  for  the  comfort  of  homeless 
and  friendless  women  and  children,  but  man  is 
left  out  in  the  cold.  Why  is  this  thus.  Lots  of 
people  in  Canada,  of  course,  are  doing  their  best 
to  make  it  cheerful  and  sunny  for  our  lovely 
cashiers  there,  but  still  it  is  not  home.  As  a 
gentleman  once  said  in  my  hearing,  "  There  is 
no  place  like  home."'    And  he  was  right. 

In  conclusion,  I  do  not  know  what  to  say,  un- 
less it  be  to  appeal  to  the  newspaper  men  of  the 
country  in  Mr.  Vanderbilt'S  behalf.  While  he 
was  wealthy  he  was  proud  and  arrogant.  He 
said,  "Let  the  newspapers  be  blankety  blanked 
to  blank,"  or  words  to  that  effect,  but  we  do  not 
care  for  that.  Let  us  forget  all  that  and  re- 
member that  his  sad  fate  may  some  day  be  our 
own.  In  our  affluence  let  us  not  lose  sight  of 
the  fact  that  Van  is  suffering.  Let  us  procure 
a  place  for  him  on  some  good  paper.  His  gram- 
mar and  spelling  are  a  little  bit  rickety  but  he 
eould  begin  as  janitor  and  gradually  work  his 
way  up.   Parties  having  clothing  or  funds  which 


146  BILL  NYL'S  SPARKS. 

they  feel  like  giving  may  forward  the  same  to  me 
at  Hudson,  Wis.,  postpaid,  and  if  the  clothes  do 
not  fit  Van  they  may  possibly  fit  me. 

New  York,  Oct.  7, 1883.  Bill  JSTye. 

P.S. — Oct.  30. — Since  issuing  the  above  I  have 
received  several  consignments  of  clothes  for  tlie 
suffering,  also  one  sack  of  corn-meal  and  a  ham. 
Let  the  good  work  go  on,  for  it  is  far  more 
blessed  to  give  than  to  receive,  I  am  told ;  and 
as  Jay  Gould  said  when,  as  a  boy,  he  gave  the 
wormy  half  of  an  apple  to  his  dear  teacher, 
'•Half  is  better  than  the  hole." 


fl^e  I^l;)abarb-ple. 

IK  June  the  medicated  tropical  fruit  known  as 
the  rhubarb-pie  is  in  full  bloom.  I'he  farmer 
goes  forth  into  his  garden  to  find  out  where 
the  coy,  old  setting  hen  is  hiding  from  the  vulgar 
gaze,  and  he  discovers  that  his  pie-plant  is  ripe. 
He  then  forms  a  syndicate  with  his  wife  for  the 
purpose  of  publishing  the  seditious  aua  rebel- 
lious pie. 

It  is  singular  that  the  War  Department  has 
never  looked  into  the  scheme  for  fighting  the 
Indians  with  rhubarb-pie,  instead  of  the  regular 
army.  One-half  the  army  could  then  put  in  its 
time  court-martialing  the  other  half,  and  all 
would  be  well. 

Khubarb  undoubtedly  has  its  place  in  the 
materia  medica,  but  when  it  sneaks  into  the  pie 
of  commerce  it  is  out  of  place.  Castor-oil,  and 
capsicum,  and  dynamite,  and  chloroform,  and 
jKjrous-plasters,  and  arsenic,  all  have  their  uses 
in  one  way  or  another,  but  they  would  not  pre- 
sume to  enter  into  the  composition  of  a  pie. 


i48  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS, 

They  kBow  it  would  not  be  tolerated.  But  rhu- 
barb, elated  with  its  success  as  a  drug,  forgets 
its  humble  origin  and  aspires  to  become  au 
article  of  diet. 

!N"ow  the  pumpkin  knows  its  place.  You  never 
knew  of  a  pumpkin  trying  to  monkey  with 
science.  The  pumpkin  knows  that  it  was  boi  n 
to  bury  itself  in  the  bosom  of  the  pumpkin-pie. 
It  does  not  therefore,  go  about  the  country 
claiming  to  be  a  remedy  for  spavin. 

Supposing  that  the  gory,  yet  toothsome  steak, 
that  grows  on  the  back  of  the  twenty-one-year- 
old  steer's  neck,  should  claim  for  itself  that  it 
could  go  into  a  drug-store  and  cure  rheumatism 
and  heartburn.  Wouldn't  every  one  say  that  it 
was  out  of  place  and  uncalled  for  ?  Certainly. 
The  back  of  the  tough  old  steer's  neck  knows 
that  it  is  destined  for  the  mince -pie,  and  naturt 
did  not  intend  otherwise.  So  also  with  the  vul- 
canized gristle,  and  arctic  overshoe  heel,  and  the 
shoe-string,  and  the  white  button,  and  all  those 
elements  that  go  to  make  up  the  mince-pie. 
They  do  not  try  to  make  medicines  and  cordials 
and  anodynes  of  themselves.  Khubarb  is  the 
only  thing  that  successfully  holds  its  place  with 
the  apothecary,  and  yet  draws  a  salary  in  tlie 
pie  business. 


tl'tj:  jrhubabb  pie.  us 

I  do  not  know  hoTv  others  may  look  at  this 
matter,  but  I  do  not  think  it  is  right.  Still  you 
find  this  medicated  pie  in  the  social  circle  every- 
where. We  guard  our  homes  with  the  strictest 
surveillance  in  other  matters,  and  yet  we  allow 
the  low,  vulgar  pie-plant-pie  to  creep  into  our 
houses  and  into  our  hearts.  That  is,  it  creeps 
into  our  hearts  figuratively  speaking.  The  heart 
IS  not,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  one  of  the  digestive 
organs,  but  I  use  the  term  just  as  all  poets  do 
under  like  circumstances. 

Many,  however,  will  always  continue  to  use 
the  rhubarb-pie,  and  for  those  I  give  below  a 
receipt  which  has  stood  the  test  of  years, — one 
which  results  in  a  pie  that  frosts  and  sudden 
atmospheric  changes  cannot  injure. 

None  but  the  youngest  rhubarb  should  be  used 
in  making  pies.  Go  out  and  kill  your  rhubarb 
with  a  club,  taking  care  not  to  kill  the  old  and 
tough  variety.  Give  it  a  chance  to  repent.  Re- 
move the  skin  carefully,  and  take  out  the 
digestive  economy  of  the  plant.  Be  specially 
careful  to  get  off  the  "fuzzy"  coating,  as  rhu- 
barb-pies with  hair  on  are  not  in  such  favor  as 
they  were  when  the  country  was  new.  Now  put 
in  the  basement  of  cement  and  throw  on  your 
rhubarb.    Flavor  with  linseed-oil,  and  hammer 


150  BILL  NYE'S  SPAl.KS. 

out  the  top  crust  until  it  is  moderately  thin. 
Then  solder  on  the  cover  and  drill  holes  for  the 
copper  rivets.  Having  headed  the  rivets  in 
place,  nail  on  zinc  monogram,  and  kiln-dry  the 
pie  slowly.  When  it  is  cooled,  put  on  two  coats 
of  metallic  paint,  and  adjust  the  time-lock. 
After  you  find  that  the  pie  is  impervious  to  the 
action  of  chilled  steel  or  acids,  remove  and  feed 
it  to  the  man  who  cheerfully  pays  for  his  whiskey 
and  steals  his  newspaper. 


p  QotiQtry  Fire. 


LAST  night  I  was  awakened  by  the  cry  of  fire. 
It  was  a  loud,  hoarse  cry,  such  as  a  large, 
adult  man  might  emit  from  his  window  on 
the  night  air.  The  town  was  not  large,  and  the 
fire-department,  I  had  been  told,  was  not  so 
effective  as  it  should  have  been. 

For  that  reason  I  arose  and  carefully  dressed 
myself  in  order  to  assist,  if  possible.  I  carefully 
lowered  myself  from  my  room  by  means  of  a 
staircase  which  I  found  concealed  in  a  dark  and 
mysterious  corner  of  the  passage. 

On  the  streets  all  was  confusion.  The  hoarse 
cry  of  fire  had  been  taken  up  by  others,  passed 
around  from  one  to  another,  till  it  had  swollen 
into  a  dull  roar.  The  cry  of  fire  in  a  small  town 
is  always  a  grand  sight. 

All  along  the  street  in  front  of  Mr,  Pen- 
dergast's  roller  rink  the  blanched  faces  of  the 
people  could  be  seen.  Men  were  hurrying  to 
and  fro,  knocking  the  by-standers  over  in  their 
frantic  attempts  to  get  somewhere  else.     With 


152  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

great  foresigut  Mr.  Penaergast,  wiio  had  fhat 
day  finished  painting  his  roller  rink  a  dull-roan 
color,  removed  from  the  building  the  large  card 
which  bore  the  legend 


FRESH  PAINT  ! 


so  that  those  who  were  so  disposed  might  feel 
perfectly  free  to  lean  up  against  the  rink  and 
watch  the  progress  of  the  flames. 

Anon  the  bright  glare  of  the  devouring  element 
might  have  been  seen  bursting  through  the  case- 
ment of  Mr.  Cicero  Williams'  residence,  facing 
on  the  alley  west  of  Mr.  Pendergast's  rink. 
Across  the  street  the  spectator  whose  early  edu- 
cation had  not  been  neglected  could  distinctly 
read  the  sign  of  our  esteemed  fellow-townsman, 
Mr.  Alouzo  Burlingame,  which  was  lit  up  by 
the  red  glare  of  the  flames  so  that  the  letters 
stood  out  plain  as  follows: 

ALONZO  BURLINGAME, 

Dealer  in   Soft  and    Hard    Coal,  Ice-Cream,  Wood,  Lime. 

Cement,  Perfumery,  Nails,  Putty,   Spectacles,    and  Horse 

Eadish. 

Chocolate  Caramels  and  Tar  Koofing. 
Gas-Fitting  and  Undertaking  in  All  Its  Branches. 

Hides,  Tallow  and  Maple  Syrup. 

Fine  Gold  Jewelry,  Silverware  and  Salt. 


A  COUNTBT  FIBE.  158 

Glue,  Codfish  and  Gent's  Neckwear. 
Undertaker  and  Confectioner. 
1^"  Diseases  of  Horses  and  Children  a  Specialty. 
John  White,  Ptr. 

The  flames  spread  rapidly,  until  they  threat- 
ened the  Palace  rink  of  our  esteemed  fellow- 
townsman,  Mr.  Pendergast,  whose  genial  and 
urbane  manner  has  endeared  him  to  all. 

With  a  degree  of  forethought  worthy  of  a  bet- 
ter cause,  Mr.  Leroy  W.  Butts  suggested  the 
propriety  of  calling  out  the  hook  and  ladder 
company,  an  organization  of  which  every  one 
seemed  to  be  justly  proud.  Some  delay  ensued 
in  trying  to  find  the  janitor  of  Pioneer  Hook 
and  Ladder  Company  Ko.  I's  building,  but  at 
last  he  was  secured,  and  after  he  had  gone  home 
for  the  key,  Mr.  Butts  ran  swiftly  down  the 
street  to  awake  the  foreman,  but  after  he  had 
dressed  himself  and  inquired  anxiously  about 
\he  fire,  he  said  that  he  was  not  foreman  of  tlie 
company  since  the  2d  of  April. 

Meantime  the  fire-fiend  continued  to  rise  up 
ever  and  anon  on  his  hind  feet  and  lick  up  salt 
barrel  after  salt  barrel  in  close  proximity  to  the 
Palace  rink,  owned  by  our  esteemed  fellow- 
citizen,  Mr.  Pendergast.  Twice  Mr.  Pender- 
gast was  seen  to  shudder,  after  which  he  went 


154  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

home  and  filled  out  a  blank  which  he  forwarded 
to  the  insurance  company. 

Just  as  the  town  seemed  doomed  the  hook- 
and-ladder  company  came  rushing  down  the 
street  with  their  navy-blue  hook-and-ladder 
truck.  It  is  indeed  a  beauty,  being  one  of  the 
Excelsior  noiseless  hook-and-ladder  factory's 
best  instruments,  with  tall  red  pails  and  rich 
blue  ladders. 

Some  delay  ensued,  as  several  of  the  officers 
claimed  that  under  a  hew  by-law  passed  in  Jan- 
uary they  were  permitted  to  ride  on  the  truck 
to  fires.  This  having  been  objected  to  by  a  gen- 
tleman who  had  lived  in  Chicago  for  several 
years,  a  copy  of  the  by-laws  was  sent  for  and 
the  dispvite  summarily  settled.  The  company 
now  donned  its  rubber  overcoats  with  great 
coolness  and  proceeded  at  once  to  deftly  twist 
the  tail  of  the  fire-fiend. 

It  was  a  thrilling  sight  as  James  McDonald, 
a  brother  of  Terrance  McDonald,  Trombone, 
Ind.,  rapidly  ascended  one  of  the  ladders  in  the 
full  glare  of  the  devouring  element  and  fell  off 
again. 

Then  a  wild  cheer  rose  to  a  height  of  about 
nine  feet,  and  all  again  became  confused. 

It  was  now  past  11  o'clock,  and  several  of  the 


A  COUNTRY  FIRE.  155 

members  of  the  liook-and-1  adder  company  who 
had  to  get  up  early  the  next  day  in  order  to 
catch  a  train  excused  themselves  and  went  home 
to  seek  much-needed  rest. 

Suddenly  it  was  discovered  that  the  brick  liv- 
ery stables  of  Mr.  McMichaels,  a  nephew  of  our 
worthy  assessor,  was  getting  hot.  Leaving  the 
Palace  rink  to  its  fate,  the  hook-and-ladder 
company  directed  its  attention  to  the  brick 
barn,  and  after  numerous  attempts  at  last  suc- 
ceeded in  getting  its  large  iron  prong  fastened 
on  the  second  story  window-sill,  which  was 
pulled  out.  The  hook  was  again  inserted  but 
not  so  effectively,  bringing  down  this  time  an 
armful  of  hay  and  part  of  an  old  horse  blanket. 
Another  courageous  jab  was  made  with  the  iron 
hook,  which  succeeded  in  pulling  out  about  five 
cents'  worth  of  brick.  This  was  greeted  by  a 
wild  burst  of  applause  from  the  bjstanders,  dur- 
ing which  the  hook-and-ladder  company  fell 
over  each  other  and  added  to  the  horror  of  the 
scene  by  a  mad  burst  of  pale-blue  profanity. 

It  was  not  long  before  the  stable  was  licked 
up  by  the  fire-fiend,  and  the  hook-and-ladder 
company  directed  its  attention  toward  tne 
undertaking,  embalming,  and  ice-cream  parlors 
of  our  highly-esteemed  fellow-townsman,  Mr. 


156  BILL  NYE'S  &'PARKS. 

A.  Burlingame.  The  company  succeeded  lE. 
pulling  two  stone  window-sills  out  of  this  build- 
ing before  it  burned.  Both  times  they  were 
encored  by  the  large  and  aristocratic  aiidience. 

Mr.  Burlingame  at  once  recognised  the  efforts 
of  the  heroic  firemen  by  tapping  a  keg  of  beer, 
which  he  distributed  among  them  at  twenty-five 
cents  per  glass. 

This  morning  a  space  forty-seven  feet  wide, 
where  but  yesterday  all  was  joy  and  prosperity 
and  beauty,  is  covered  over  with  blackened 
ruins.  Mr.  Pendergast  is  overcome  by  grief  at 
the  loss  of  his  rink,  but  assures  us  that  if  he  is 
successful  in  getting  the  full  amount  of  his  in- 
siu'ance  he  will  take  the  money  and  build  two 
rinks,  either  one  of  which  will  be  far  more 
imposing  than  the  one  destroyed  last  evening. 

A  movement  is  on  foot  to  give  a  literary  and 
musical  entertainment  atBurley''sHall  to  raise 
funds  for  the  purchase  of  new  uniforms  for  the 
"fire  laddies,"  at  which  Mrs.  Butts  has  consented 
to  sing  "When  the KobinsISTest  Again,"  and  Miss 
Mertie  Stout  will  recite  "'Ostler  Joe,"  a  selec- 
tion which  never  fails  to  offend  the  best  people 
everywhere.    Twenty-five  cents  for  each  offence, 

B^  Let  there  be  a  full  house. 


"Y 


OU  think,  no  doubt,  "William,  that  I  am 


will  tell  you  my  little  reminiscence  if 
you  don't  mind,  and  j^ou  can  judge  for  yourself." 

These  were  the  words  of  Big  Steve,  as  we  sat 
together  ona  evening,  watching  tlie  dealer  slide 
the  cards  out  of  his  little  tin  photograph  album, 
while  the  crowd  bought  chips  of  the  banker  and 
corded  them  up  on  the  green  table. 

"You  look  on  me  as  a  great  man  to  inaugurate 
a  funei"al,  and  wish  that  you  had  a  miscellaneous 
cemetery  yourself  to  look  back  on  ;  but  greatness 
always  has  its  drawbacks.  We  cannot  be  great 
unless  we  pay  the  price.  "What  we  call  genius  is 
after  all  only  industry  and  perseverance. 

"When  my  father  undertook  to  clean  me  out, 
in  our  own  St.  Lawrence  County  home,  I  filled 
his  coat-tails  full  of  bird-shot  and  fled.  Father 
afterwards  said  that  he  could  have  overlooked 
it  so  far  as  tlie  co;it  was  concerncil,  but  hedidn't 
want  it  shot  to  pieces  Aviiile  he  had  it  on. 


.58  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS 

"Then  I  went  to  Kansas  City  and  shot  a  irol- 
ored  man.  That  was  a  good  many  years  ago, 
and  you  could  kill  a  colored  man  then  as  you  can 
a  Chinaman  now,  with  impunity,  or  any  other 
weapon  you  can  get  your  hands  onto.  Still  the 
colored  man  had  friends  and  I  had  to  go  further 
West.  I  went  to  Kevada  then,  and  lived  under 
a  cloud  and  anom  dexilume,  as  you  fellers  say. 

"I  really  didn't  want  to  thin  out  the  population 
of  Kevada,  but  I  had  to  protect  myself.  They 
say  that  after  a  feller  has  killed  his  man,  he 
has  a  thirst  for  blood  and  can't  stop,  but  that 
ain't  so.  You  'justifiable-homicide'  a  man  and 
get  clear,  and  then  you  have  to  look  out  for 
friends  of  the  late  lamented.  You  see  them 
everywhere.  If  your  stomach  gets  out  of  order 
you  see  the  air  full  of  vengeance,  and  you  drink 
too  much  and  that  don"t  help  it.  Then  you  kill 
a  man  on  suspicion  that  he  is  ^^ollering  you  up, 
and  after  that  you  shoot  in  an  extemporaneous, 
way,  that  makes  life  in  your  neighborhood  a  lit- 
tle uncertain. 

"That's  the  way  it  was  with  me.  I've  got 
where  I  don't  sleep  good  any  more,  and  the  fun 
of  life  has  kind  of  pinched  out,  as  we  say  in  the 
mines.  It's  a  big  thing  to  run  a  school-meeting 
or  an  election,  but  it  hardly  pays  me  for  the  free 


BIG  STEVE.  159 

spectacular  show  I  see  when  I  'm  ti^ying  to  sleep. 
You  know  If  you've  ever  killed  a  man — " 

"No,  I  never  killed  one  right  out,"  I  said  apol- 
ogetically. "I  shot  one  once,  but  he  gained 
seventy-five  pounds  in  less  than  six  months." 

"Well,  if  you  ever  had,  you'd  notice  that  he 
always  says  or  does  something  that  you  can  re- 
member him  by.  lie  either  says,  'Oh,  I  am  shofl 
or  'You've  killed  me'!  or  something  like  that,  in 
a  reproachful  way,  that  you  can  wake  up  in  the 
night  and  hear  most  any  time.  If  you  kill  him 
dead,  and  he  don't  say  a  word,  he  will  fall  hard 
on  the  ground,  with  a  groan  that  will  never  stop. 
I  can  shut  my  eyes  and  hear  one  now.  After 
you"ve  done  it,  you  always  wish  they'd  showed  a 
little  more  fight.  You  could  forgive  'em  if  they'd 
cuss  you,  and  holler,  and  have  some  style  about 
'em,  but  tliey  won't.  They  just  reel,  and  fall, 
and  groan.  Do  you  know  I  can't  eat  a  meal 
unless  my  back  is  agin' the  wall.  I  asked  Wild 
Bill  once  how  he  could  stand  it  to  turn  his  back 
on  the  crowd  and  eat  a  big  dinner.  He  said  he 
generally  got  drunk  just  before  dinner,  and 
that  helped  him  out. 

"So  you  see,  William,  that  if  a  man  is  a  great 
scholar,  he  is  generally  dyspeptic ;  if  he's  a  big 
preacher,  tliey  tie  a  scandal  to  his  coat-tail,  and 


t60  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

L'he's  an  emiuent  murderer,  he  has  iusomuia 
and  loss  of  appetite.  I  almost  wish  sometimes 
that  I  had  remained  in  obscurity.  Its  a  big  thing 
to  be  a  public  man,  with  your  name  in  the  papers 
and  everybody  afraid  to  collect  a  bill  of  you,  for 
fear  you'll  let  the  glad  sunlight  into  their  thorax; 
but  when  you  can't  eat  nor  sleep,  and  you're 
Jiable  to  wake  up  with  your  bosom  full  of  buck- 
shot, or  your  neck  pulled  out  like  a  turkey-gob- 
bler's, and  your  tongue  hanging  out  of  your 
mouth  in  a  ludicrous  manner,  and  your  over- 
shoes failing  to  touch  the  ground  by  about  ten 
feet,  you  begin  to  look  back  on  your  childhood 
and  wish  you  could  again  be  put  there,  sleepy 
and  sinless,  hungry  and  happy." 


<^\)\(^j  of  tl}(?  Siodx  ffatior^. 

IT  HAD  been  a  day  of  triumph  at  Erastina. 
Buffalo  Bill,  returning  from  Marlborough 
House,  had  amused  the  populace  with  the 
sports  of  an  amphitheatre  to  an  extent  hitherto 
unknown  even  in  that  luxurious  city.  A  mighty 
multitude  of  people  from  Perth  Amboy  and  New 
York  had  been  present  to  watch  the  attack  on 
tli«  Dead  wood  coach  and  view  with  bated  breath 
the  conflict  in  the  arena. 

The  shouts  of  revelry  had  died  away.  The 
last  loiterer  had  retired  from  the  bleaching 
boards  and  the  lights  in  the  palace  of  the  cow- 
boy band  were  extinguished.  The  moon  pierc- 
ing the  tissue  of  fleecy  clouds,  tipped  tlie  dark 
waters  about  Constable  Hook  with  a  wavy, 
tremulous  light.  The  dark-browed  Roman  sol- 
dier, wearing  an  umbrella  belonging  to  Imre 
Kiralfy,  wabbled  slowly  homeward,  the  proucl 
possessor  of  a  large  rectangular  "  jag." 


162  BILL  NYBS  SPARKS. 

No  sound  was  heard  save  the  low  sob  of  some 
retirmg  wave  as  it  told  its  story  to  the  smooth 
pebbles  of  the  beach,  or  the  lower  sob  of  some 
gentleman  who  had  just  sought  to  bed  down  a 
brand-new  bucking  bronco  from  Ogallalla  and 
decided  to  escape  violently  through  the  roof  of 
the  tent ;  then  all  was  still  as  the  breast  when 
the  spirit  has  departed.  Anon  the  smoke-tan- 
ned Cheyenne  snore  would  steal  in  upon  the 
silence  and  then  die  away  like  the  sough  of  f 
summer  breeze.  In  the  green-room  of  the  am- 
phitheatre a  little  band  of  warriors  had  assem- 
bled. The  foam  of  conflict  yet  lingered  on  their 
lips,  the  scowl  of  battle  yet  hung  upon  their 
brows,  and  the  large  knobs  on  their  classic  pro- 
files indicated  that  it  had  been  a  busy  day  with 
them.  The  night  wynd  blew  chill  and  the  war- 
rior had  added  to  his  moss-agate  ear-bobs  a 
heavy  coat  of  maroon-colored  roof  paint. 

There  was  an  embarrassing  silence  of  a  little 
spell  and  then  Eed  Shirt,  fighting  chief  of  the 
Sioux  Nation  borrowed  a  chew  of  tobacco  from 
Aurelius  Poor  Doe,  stepped  forth  and  thus  ad- 
dressed them : 

Fblloav-Citizens  and  Gentlemen  of  the 
Wild  West  :  Ye  call  me  chief,  and  ye  do  well 
to  call  him  chief  who  for  two  long  years  has 


SPEECR  OF  BED  SRIBT.  163 

met  in  the  arena  every  shape  of  man  or  beast 
that  the  broad  empu-e  of  Nebraska  could  fur- 
nish, and  yet  has  never  lowered  his  arm. 

If  there  be  one  among  you  can  say  that 
ever  at  grub  dance  or  scalp  gei*man  or  on  tlie 
war-path  my  action  did  belie  my  tongue  let  him 
Btand  forth  and  say  it  and  I  will  send  him  home 
with  his  daylights  done  up  in  the  morning  paper. 
If  there  be  three  in  all  yovu-  company  dare  face 
me  on  the  bloody  sands  let  them  come  on  and  T 
will  bore  holes  in  the  arena  with  them  and 
utilize  them  in  fixing  up  a  sickening  spectacle. 

And  yet  I  was  not  alway  thus,  a  hired  butcher 
attacking  a  Deadwood  coach,  both  afternoon 
and  evening,  the  savage  chief  of  still  more 
savage  men. 

My  ancestors  came  from  Illinois.  They  dwelt 
there  in  the  vine-clad  hills  and  citron  groves  of 
the  Sangamon  at  a  time  when  the  country  was 
overrun  witli  Indians.  Instead  of  paying  to  see 
Indians,  my  ancestors  would  walk  a  long  dis- 
tance over  a  poor  road  in  order  to  get  a  shot  at 
a  white  man. 

In  Dakota  my  early  life  ran  quiet  as  the  clear 
brook  by  which  I  babbled,  and  my  boyhood  was 
one  long,  happy  summer  day.  We  bathed  in  the 
soiled  waters  of  the  upper  Missouri  and  ate  the 


164  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

luscious  prickly  pear  in  the  land  of  the  Dakotahs. 

I  did  not  then  know  what  war  was,  but  when 
Sitting  Bull  told  me  of  Marathon  and  Leuctra 
and  Bull  Run,  and  how  at  a  fortified  railroad 
pass  Imre  Kiralfy  had  withstood  the  whole 
Roman  army,  my  cheek  burned,  I  knew  not  why, 
and  I  thought  what  a  glorious  thing  it  would  be 
to  leave  the  reservation  and  go  upon  the  war- 
path. But  my  mother  kissed  my  throbbing 
temples  and  bade  me  go  soak  my  head  and 
think  no  more  of  those  old  tales  and  savage 
wars. 

That  very  night  the  entire  regular  army  and 
wife  landed  on  our  coasts.  They  tore  down  our 
tepee,  stampeded  our  stock,  stole  our  grease 
paints  and  played  a  mean  trick  on  our  dog. 

To-day  in  the  arena  I  killed  a  man  in  the 
Black  Hills  coach,  and  when  I  imdid  his  cinch, 
behold!  he  was  my  friend.  The  same  sweet 
smile  was  on  his  face  that  I  had  noted  when  I, 
met  him  on  my  trip  abroad.  He  knew  me,-smllecl 
faintly,  made  a  few  false  motions  and  died.  I 
begged  that  I  might  bear  away  the  body  to  my 
tepee  and  express  it  to  his  country  seat,  near 
Limerick,  and  upon  my  bended  knees,  amid  the 
dust  and  blood  of  the  arena,  I  begged  this  pool 
favor,  and  a  Roman  praetor  from  St.  Georgi 


SFEECH  OF  BED  SHIRT.  16ft 

answered  :  "  Let  the  carrion  rot.  T  here  are  no 
noble  men  but  Eomans  and  bananna  men.  Let 
the  show  go  on.  Give  us  our  money's  worth. 
Bring  out  the  bobtail  lion  from  Abyssinia  and 
the  bucking  bronco  from  Dead  Man's  Eanch." 
And  the  assembled  maids  and  matrons  and  the 
rabble  shouted  in  derision  and  told  me  to  brace 
up,  and  bade  Johnnie  git  his  gun,  git  his  gun, 
git  his  gun,  and  other  vile  flings  which  I  do  not 
now  recall.  And  so  must  you,  fellow  warriors, 
and  so  must  I,  die  like  dogs.  Ye  stand  here  like 
giants  (X.  Y.  Giants)  as  ye  are,  but  to-morrow 
the  fangs  of  the  infuriated  buffalo  may  sink  into 
your  quivering  flesh.  To-night  ye  stand  here  Id 
the  full  flush  of  health  and  conscious  rectitude, 
but  to-morrow  some  crank  may  shoot  you  from 
the  Deadwood  coach. 

Hark !  Hear  ye  yon  buffalo  roaring  in  her 
den  ?  'Tis  three  days  since  she  tasted  flesh,  but 
to-morrow  she  will  have  warrior  on  toast,  and 
don't  you  forget  it.  And  she  will  fling  your 
vertebriB  about  her  cage  like  the  costly  Etruscan 
pitcher  of  a  League  nine. 

If  ye  are  brutes,  then  stand  here  like  fat  oxen 
waiting  for  the  butcher's  knife.  If  ye  are  men, 
arise  and  follow  me.  We  will  beat  down  the 
guard,  overpower  the  ticket-chopper  and  cut  f oi 


166  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

the  tall  timber.  We  will  go  through  Elhim 
Park,  Port  Richmond,  Tower  Hill,  West  Brigh- 
ton, Sailors'  Snug  Harbor  and  New  Brighton 
like  a  colored  revival  through  a  watermelon 
patch,  beat  down  the  walls  of  the  Circus  Maxi- 
mus,  tear  the  mosquito  bars  from  the  windows 
of  Nero's  palace,  capture  the  Roman  ballet  and 
light  out  for  Europe. 

O  comrades !  warriors  ! !  gladiators  ! !  ! 

If  we  be  men,  let  us  die  like  men,  beneath  the 
blue  sky,  don't  you  know,  and  by  the  still  waters, 
according  to  Gunter,  in  the  presence  of  the 
nobility,  rather  than  be  stepped  on  by  a  spoiled 
bronco,  surrounded  by  low  tradesmen  from  New 
Fork. 


Co,  tl7(?  poor  5J?'99<?eo(:l(. 

THEKE  can  be  nothing  more  pathetic  than  to 
watch  the  decay  of  a  race,  even  though  it 
be  a  scrub  race.  To  watch  the  decay  of  the 
Indian  race,  has  been  with  me,  for  many  years 
a  passion,  and  the  more  the  Indian  has  decayed 
the  more  reckless  I  have  been  in  studying  his 
ways. 

The  Indian  race  for  over  two  liundred  years 
has  been  a  race  against  Time,  and  I  need  hardly 
add  that  Time  is  away  ahead  as  I  pen  tliese  lines. 

I  dislike  to  speak  of  myself  so  much,  but  I 
have  been  identified  with  the  Indians  more  or 
less  for  fifteen  years.  In  1876  I  was  detailed  by 
a  San  Francisco  paper  to  attend  the  Custer  mas- 
sacre and  write  it  up,  but  not  knowing  wliere 
the  massacre  was  to  be  held  I  missed  my  Avay  and 
wandered  for  days  in  an  opposite  direction. 
When  I  afterwards  heard  how  successful  the 
massacre  was,  and  fully  realized  what  I  had 
missed,  my  mortification  knew  no  bounds,  but  I 
might  have  been  even  more  so  if  I  had  been 


168  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

successful.    We  never  know  what  is  best  for  us. 

But  the  Indian  is  ou  the  wane,  whatever  that 
is.  He  is  disappearing  from  the  face  of  the 
earth,  and  we  find  no  better  illustration  of  this 
sad  fact  than  the  gradual  fading  away  of  the 
Shinnecock  Indians  near  tlie  extremity  of  Long 
Island. 

In  company  with  Tlie  World  artist,  who  is 
paid  a  large  salary  to  hold  me  up  to  ridicule  in 
these  columns,  I  went  out  the  other  day  to 
Southampton  and  visited  the  surviving  mem- 
bers of  this  great  tribe. 

Keither  of  us  knows  the  meaning  of  fear.  If 
we  had  been  ordered  by  the  United  States 
Government  to  wipe  out  the  whole  Shinnecock 
tribe  we  would  have  taken  a  damp  towel  and 
done  it. 

The  Shinnecock  tribe  now  consists  of  James 
Bunn  and  another  man.  But  they  are  neither 
of  them  pure-blooded  Shinnecock  Indians.  One- 
Legged  Dave,  an  old  whaler,  who,  as  the  gifted 
reader  has  no  doubt  already  guessed,  has  but 
one  leg,  having  lost  the  other  in  going  over  a 
reef  many  years  ago,  is  a  pure-blooded  Indian^ 
but  not  a  pure-blooded  Sliinnecock.  Most  of 
these  Indians  are  now  mixed  up  with  the  negro 
race  by  marriage  and  are  not  considered  warlike. 


LO.  THE  POOR  SEINNECOCK.        169 

The  Sliinnecocks  have  not  Deen  rasii  enougn  to 
break  out  since  they  had  the  measles  some  years 
ago,  but  we  will  let  that  pass. 

There  Are  now  about  150  Shinnecocks  on  the 
reservation,  the  most  of  whom  are  negroes. 
They  live  together  in  peace  and  hominy,  trying 
most  of  the  time  to  ascertain  what  the  wild 
waves  are  saying  in  regard  to  fish. 

There  is  an  air  of  gentle,  all-pervading  peace 
which  hangs  over  the  Shinnecock  hills  and  that 
had  its  effect  even  upon  my  tumultuous  and 
aggressive  nature,  wooing  me  to  repose.  I  could 
rest  there  all  this  summer  and  then,  after  a  good 
night's  sleep,  I  could  go  right  at  it  again  in  the 
morning.  Rest  at  Southampton  does  not  seem 
to  fatigue  one  as  it  does  elsewhere. 

The  Shinnecock  Indian  has  united  his  own 
repose  of  manner  with  the  calm  and  haughty 
distrust  of  industry  peculiar  to  the  negro,  and 
the  result  is  something  that  approaches  nearer 
to  the  idea  of  eternal  rest  than  anything  I  have 
ever  seen.  The  air  seems  to  be  saturated  with 
it  and  the  "moonlight  is  soaked  full  of  calm.  It 
would  be  a  good  place  in  which  to  wander 
through  the  gloaming  and  pour  a  gallon  or  so  of 
low,  passionate  yearning  into  the  ear  of  a  loved 
one. 


170  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

As  a  friend  of  mine,  vrbo  is  the  teacher  of 
modern  languages  and  calisthenics  in  an  educa- 
tional institution,  once  said,  "the  air  seems 
filled  "With  that  delicious  dolce  farina  for  which 
those  regions  is  noted  for/'  I  use  his  language 
because  I  do  not  know  now  how  I  could  add  to 
It  in  any  way. 

TVe  visited  Mr.  James  Bunn  at  his  home  on 
Huckleberry  avenue,  saw  the  City  Hall  and  Cus- 
tom House  and  obtained  a  front  view  of  it, 
setured  a  picture  of  the  residence  of  the  Street 
Commissioner  and  then  I  talked  with  Mr.  Bunn 
while  the  artist  got  a  marine  view  of  his  face. 

Mr.  Bunn  was  for  forty  years  a  whaler,  but 
had  abandoned  the  habit  now,  as  there  is  so  little 
demand  among  the  restaurants  for  whales,  and 
also  because  there  are  fewer  whales.  I  ascer- 
tained from  him  that  the  whale  at  this  season 
of  the  year  does  not  readily  rise  to  the  fly,  but 
bites  the  harroon  greedily  during  the  middle  of 
the  day. 

Mr.  Bunn  also  gave  us  a  great  deal  of  other 
Information,  among  other  things  informing  us 
of  the  fact  that  the  white  men  had  beeu  up  to 
their  old  tricks  and  were  trying  to  steal  portions 
of  the  reservation  that  had  not  been  nailed 
down.    He  did  not  sav  whether  it  was  the  same 


LO,  THE  POOR  SHINNECOCK.        171 

man  who  is  trying  to  steal  the  old  Southampton, 
graveyard  or  not. 

James  is  about  seventy-five  years  old  and  his 
father  once  lived  in  a  wigwam  on  the  Shinn-^- 
cock  Hills.  Mr.  Bunn  says  that  the  country  has 
changed  very  much  in  the  past  250  years  and 
that  T  would  hardly  know  the  place  if  I  could 
have  seen  it  at  first.  Diu-ing  that  time  he  says 
two  other  houses  have  been  built  and  he  has 
reshingled  the  L  of  his  barn  with  hay. 

He  told  us  the  thrilling  story  of  the  Spanish 
Sylph  and  how  she  vras  wrecked  many  years  ago 
on  the  coast  near  his  liouse,  and  how  the  Span- 
ish dollars  burst  out  of  h.-r  gaping  side  and  fell 
with  a  low,  mellow  plunk  into  the  raging  main. 

Now  and  then  the  sea  has  given  up  one  of 
these  "  sand-dollars  "  as  the  years  went  by,  and 
not  over  two  years  ago  one  was  found  along  the 
shore  near  by.  What  I  blame  the  Shinnecock 
Indians  for  is  their  fatal  yearning  to  subsist 
solely  on  this  precarious  income. 

But  with  the  decline  of  the  whaling  industry, 
due  somewhat  to  the  great  popularity  of  natural 
and  acquired  gas  as  a  lubricant,  together  with 
the  cheap  methods  of  picking  up  electricity  and 
preserving  it  for  illuminating  purposes,  and  also 
to  the  fact  that  whales  are  more  skittish  than 


172  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

they  used  to  be,  the  Shinnecock  whaler  Is  left 
high  and  dry. 

It  is,  indeed,  a  pathetic  picture.  Here  on  the 
stern  and  rock-bound  coast,  where  their  ances- 
tors greeted  Columbus  and  other  excursionists 
as  they  landed  on  the  new  dock  and  at  once  had 
their  pictures  taken  in  a  group  for  the  illustra- 
tion on  the  greenbacks,  now  the  surviving  relic 
of  a  brave  people,  with  bowed  heads  and  frosting 
locks,  are  waiting  a  few  days  only  for  the  long, 
dark  night  of  merciful  oblivion. 

So  he  walks  in  the  night-time,  all  through  the 
long  fly  time,  he  walks  by  the  sorrowful  sea,  and 
he  yearns  to  wake  never,  but  lie  there  forever  in 
the  arms  of  the  sheltering  sea,  to  lie  in  the  lap 
of  the  sea. 

At  least  that  is  my  idea  of  the  way  the  Shin- 
necock feels  about  it. 

The  Indian  race,  wherever  we  find  it,  gives  us 
a  wonderful  illustration  of  the  great,  inherent 
power  of  rum  as  a  human  leveler.  The  Indian 
has,  perhaps,  greater  powers  of  endurance  than 
the  white  man,  and  enters  into  tne  great  un- 
equal fight  with  rum  almost  hilariously,  but  he 
loses  his  presence  of  mind  and  forgets  to  call  a 
cab  at  the  proper  moment.  This  is  a  matter 
that  has  never  been  fully  understood  even  by 


LO,  THE  POOR  SHINNjECOCK.        173 

che  pale  face,  and  of  course  the  Indian  is  a  per- 
fect child  in  the  great  conflict  with  rum.  The 
result  is  that  the  Indian  is  passing  away  under 
our  very  eyes,  and  the  time  will  soon  come  when 
the  Indian  agent  will  have  to  seek  some  other 
healthful,  outdoor  exercise. 

So  the  consumptive  Shinnecock,  the  author  of 
"Shinny  on  Your  Own  Ground  and  Other 
Games,"  is  soon  to  live  only  in  the  flea-bitten 
records  of  a  great  nation.  Once  he  wrote  pieces 
for  the  boys  to  speak  in  school,  and  contributed 
largely  to  McGufly's  and  Sander's  periodicals, 
but  now  you  never  hear  of  an  Indian  who  is  a 
good  extemporaneous  public  speaker,  or  who  can 
write  for  sour  apples. 

He  no  longer  makes  the  statement  that  he  is 
an  aged  hemlock,  that  his  limbs  are  withered 
and  his  trunk  attached  by  the  constable.  He 
has  ceased  to  tell  through  the  columns  of  the 
Fifth  Reader  how  swift  he  used  to  be  as  a  war- 
rior and  that  the  war-path  is  now  overgrown 
with  grass.  He  very  seldom  writes  anything  for 
the  papers  except  over  the  signature  of  Veritas, 
and  the  able  young  stenographer  who  used  to 
report  his  speeches  at  the  council  fire  seems  to 
have  moved  away. 

Two  hundred  and  fifty  years  ago  the  Shinne- 


174  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

cock  Hills  were  covered  by  a  dense  forest,  but  in 
that  brief  period,  as  if  by  magic,  two  and  one- 
half  acres  of  that  ground  have  been  cleared, 
which  is  an  average  of  an  entire  acre  for  every 
hundred  years.  When  we  stop  to  consider  that 
very  little  of  this  work  was  done  by  the  women 
and  that  the  men  have  to  attend  to  the  cleaning 
of  the  whales  in  order  to  prepare  them  for  the 
table,  and  also  write  their  contributions  for  the 
school-books  and  sign  treaties  with  the  White 
Father  at  Washington,  we  are  forced  to  admit 
that  had  the  Indian's  life  been  spared  for  a  few 
thousand  years  more  he  would  have  been  alive 
at  the  end  of  that  time. 

So  they  wander  on  together,  waiting  for  the 
final  summons.  Waiting  for  the  pip  or  measles, 
and  their  cough  is  dry  and  hacking  as  they  cough 
along  together  towards  the  large  and  wide  here- 
after. 

They  have  lived  so  near  Manhattan,  where 
refinement  is  so  plenty,  where  the  joy  they  jerk 
from  barley — every  other  day  but  Sunday — gives 
the  town  a  reddish  color,  that  the  Shinnecock  is 
dying,  dying  with  his  cowhide  boots  on,  dying 
with  his  hectic  flush  on,  while  the  church  bells 
chime  in  Brooklyn  and  New  Yorkers  go  to 
Jersey,  go  to  get  their  fire-water,  go  to  get  their 


LO,  THE  FOOB  SHI'NNECOCK.      175 

red-eyed  bug-juice,  go  to  get  their  cooking 
whiskey. 

Far  away  at  Minnehaha,  in  the  land  of  the 
Dakota,  where  the  cyclone  feels  so  kinky,  rising 
on  its  active  hind-feet,  with  its  tail  up  o'er  the 
dash-board,  blowing  babies  through  the  grind- 
stone without  injuring  the  babies,  where  the 
cyclone  and  the  whopper  journey  on  in  joy  to- 
gether— there  refinement  and  f  rumenti,  with  the 
new  and  automatic  maladies  and  choice  diseases 
that  belong  to  the  Caucasian,  gather  in  the 
festive  red  man,  take  him  to  the  reservation,  rob 
him  while  his  little  life  lasts,  rob  him  till  he 
tm-ns  his  toes  up,  rob  him  till  he  kicks  the  bucket. 

And  the  Shinnecock  is  fading,  he  who  greeted 
Chris.  Columbus  when  he  landed,  tired  and  sea- 
sick, with  a  breath  of  peace  and  onions  ;  he  who 
welcomed  other  strangers,  with  their  notions  of 
refinement  and  their  knowledge  of  the  Scriptures 
and  their  fondness  for  Gambrinus— they  have 
compassed  his  damnation  and  the  Shinnecock  is 
busted. 


U/ebster  ai)d  jHis  Qr(^at  Bool^. 

nOAH  "Webster  probably  had  the  best  com- 
mand of  language  of  any  author  of  our  time. 
Those  who  have  read  his  great  work  entitled 
"Webster's  Unabridged  Dictionary,  or  How  One 
"Word  Led  to  Another,  will  agree  with  me  that 
he  was  smart.  Noah  never  lacked  for  a  word 
by  which  to  express  himself.  He  was  a  brainy 
man  and  a  good  speller. 

"We  were  speaking  of  Mr.  "\Yebster  on  the  way 
up  here  this  afternoon,  and  a  gentleman  from 
Ashland  told  me  of  his  death.  Those  of  you 
who  have  read  Mr.  "Webster's  works  will  be 
pained  to  learn  of  this.  One  by  one  our  eminent 
men  are  passing  away.  Mr.  "Webster  has  passed 
away  ;  Kapoleon  Bonaparte  is  no  more,  and 
Dr.  Mary  "Walker  is  fading  away.  This  has 
been  a  severe  winter  on  Sitting  Bull,  and  I  have 
to  guard  against  the  night  air  a  good  deal  my- 
self. 

It  would  ill  become  me  at  this  late  date  to 
criticise  Mr.  "Webster's  work,  a  work  that  is  now 


WEBSTER  Al^  J  HIS  GEE  J  T  BOOK.  177 

I  may  say  in  nearly  every  office,  home,  school- 
room  and  coanting-room  in  the  land.  It  is  a 
great  book.  I  only  hope  that  had  Mr.  Webster 
lived  he  would  have  been  equally  fair  in  his 
criticism  of  my  books. 

I  hate  to  compare  my  books  with  Mr.  Web- 
ster's, because  it  looks  egotistical  in  me ;  but 
although  Noah's  book  is  larger  than  mine  and 
has  more  literary  attractions  as  a  book  to  set  a 
child  on  at  the  table,  it  does  not  hold  the  inter- 
est of  the  reader  all  the  way  through. 

He  has  tried  to  introduce  too  many  characters 
into  his  book  at  the  expense  of  the  plot.  It  is  a 
good  book  to  pick  up  and  while  away  a  leisure 
hour,  perhaps,  but  it  is  not  a  work  that  could 
rivet  your  interest  till  midnight,  while  the  fire 
went  out  and  the  thermometer  went  down  to  47 
below  zero.  You  do  not  hurry  through  the 
pages  to  see  whether  Keginald  married  the  girl 
or  not.  Mr.  Webster  didn't  seem  to  care  wheth- 
er he  married  the  girl  or  not. 

Therein  consists  the  great  difference  between 
ISToah  and  myself.  He  don't  keep  lap  the  inter- 
est. A  friend  of  mine  at  Sing  Sing  who  secured 
one  of  my  books,  said  he  never  left  his  room 
till  he  had  devoured  it.  He  said  he  seemed 
chained  to  the  spot,  and  if  you  can't  believe  a 


178  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS.    _ 

convict  who  is  entirely  out  of  politics,  who  in 
the  name  of  George  "Washington  can  you 
believe  ? 

Mr.  Webster  was  certainly  a  most  brilliant 
writer,  but  a  little  iuclined,  perhaps,  to  be 
wrong.  I  have  discovered  in  some  of  his  later 
books  118,000  words  no  two  of  which  are  alike. 
This  shows  great  fluency  and  versatility,  it  is 
true,  but  we  need  something  else.  The  reader 
waits  in  vain  to  be  thrilled  by  the  author's  won- 
derful word-painting.  There  is  not  a  thrill  in 
the  whole  tome.  Noah  wasn't  much  of  a 
thriller.  I  am  free  to  confess  that  when  I  read 
this  book,  of  which  I  had  heard  so  much,  I  was 
bitterly  disappointed.  It  is  a  larger  book  than 
mine  and  costs  more,  and  has  more  pictures  in 
it  than  mine,  but  is  it  a  work  that  will  make  a 
man  lead  a  different  life  ¥  What  does  he  say  of 
the  tariff  ?  What  does  he  say  of  the  roller  skat- 
ing rink  ?  He  is  silent.  He  is  full  of  cold,  hard 
words  and  dry  definitions,  but  what  does  he  say 
of  the  Mormons  and  female  suffrage,  and  how 
to  cure  the  pip  ?  Nothing.  He  evades  every- 
thing, just  as  a  man  does  when  he  writes  a  let- 
ter accepting  the  nomination  for  President. 

As  I  said  before,  however,  it  is  a  good  book  to 
pickup  for  a  few  moments  or  to  read  on  the 


W£:hSTER  AND  HIS  GEE  AT  £00K.  179 

train.  I  could  never  think  of  taking  a  long  r.  r. 
journey  without  Mr.  Webster's  tale  in  my  pock- 
et. I  would  just  as  quick  think  of  traveling 
without  my  bottle  of  cough  medicine  as  to  start 
out  without  Mr.  Webster's  book. 

Mr.  Webster's  Speller  was  a  work  of  less  pre- 
tensions, pes-haps,  but  it  had  an  immense  sale. 
Eight  years  ago  40,000,000  of  these  books  had 
been  sold,  avid  yet  it  had  the  same  grave  defect. 
It  was  disconnected,  cold,  prosy  and  dull.  I 
read  it  for  years,  and  at  last  became  a  very  close 
student  of  Mr.  Webster's  style.  Still  I  never  found 
but  one  thing  in  the  book  for  which  there  was 
such  a  stampede,  which  was  even  ordinafily  in- 
teresting, and  that  was  a  perfect  gem.  It  was 
so  thrilling  in  detail  and  so  diiferent  from  Mr. 
Webster's  general  style  that  I  have  often  won- 
dered who  he  got  to  write  it  for  him.  Perhaps 
it  was  the  author  of  the  Bread  Winners. 
It  related  to  the  discovery  of  a  boy  in  the  crotch 
of  an  old  apple  tree  by  an  elderly  gentleman, 
and  the  feeling  of  bitterness  and  animosity  that 
sprang  up  between  the  two,  and  how  the  old 
man  told  the  boy  at  first  that  he  had  better 
come  down  out  of  that  tree,  because  he  was 
afraid  the  limb  would  break  with  him  and  let 
him  fall.    Then,  as  the  boy  still  remained,  he 


180  BILL  NYE'S  SPARKS. 

told  him  that  those  were  not  eating-apples,  that 
they  were  just  common  cooking-apples,  and  that 
there  were  worms  in  them.  But  the  boy  said 
he  didn't  mind  a  little  tiling  like  that.  So  then 
the  old  gentleman  got  irritated-  and  called  the 
dog  and  threw  turf  at  the  boy,  and  at  last 
saluted  him  with  pieces  of  turf  and  decayed 
cabbages ;  and  after  he  had  gone  away  the  old 
man  pried  the  bulldog's  jaws  open  and  found  a 
mouthful  of  pantaloons  and  a  freckle.  I  do  not 
tell  this,  of  course,  in  Mr.  Webster's  language 
but  I  give  the  main  points  as  they  recur  now  to 
my  mind. 

Though  I  have  been  a  close  student  of  Mr. 
Webster  for  years  and  examined  his  style 
closely,  I  am  free  to  say  that  his  ideas  about 
writing  a  book  are  not  the  same  as  mine.  Of 
course  it  is  a  great  temptation  for  a  young  au- 
thor to  write  a  book  that  will  have  a  large  sale, 
but  that  should  not  be  all.  We  should  have  a 
higher  object  than  that,  and  strive  to  interest 
those  who  read  oiu'  books.  It  should  not  be 
jerky  and  scattering  in  its  statements. 

I  do  not  wish  to  do  an  injustice  to  a  great 
man  who  I  learn  is  now  no  more,  a  man  who 
has  done  so  much  for  the  world  and  who  could 
spell  the  longest  word  without  hesitation,  but  I 


WEBSTEB  AKD  RIS  GEE  AT  BOOK.  181 

speak  of  these  things  just  as  I  would  expect 
others  to  criticise  my  work.  If  one  aspire  to 
monkey  with  the  literati  of  our  day  we  must 
expect  to  be  criticised.  I  have  been  criticised 
myself.  When  I  was  in  public  life  —  as  a  justice 
of  the  peace  in  the  Bocky  Mountains  —  a  man 
came  in  one  day  and  criticised  me  so  that  I  did 
not  get  over  it  for  two  weeks. 

I  might  add,  though  I  dislike  to  speak  of  it 
now,  that  Mr.  Webster  was  at  one  time  a  mem- 
ber of  the  Legislature  of  Massachusetts.  I  be- 
lieve that  was  the  only  time  he  ever  stepped 
aside  from  the  straight  and  narrow  way.  A 
good  many  people  do  not  know  this,  but  it  is 
true.  It  only  shows  how  a  good  man  may  at  one 
time  in  his  life  go  wrong. 


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CLAUDEA'S  ISLAND.    Esm6  Stuart. 

LYDIA.    Sydney  Christian. 

WEBSTER'S  PRONOUNCING  DICTIONARY.     (Illustrated.) 

AROUND  THE  WORLD  IN  EIGHTY  DAYS.   Jules  Verne. 

THE  HOUSE  OF  THE  SEVEN  GABLES.    Nathaniel  Hawthorne. 

WHEN  A  MAN'S  SINGLE.     J.  M.  Barrie. 

A  TALE  OF  TWO  CITIES.  Charles  Dickens. 

BEYOND  THE  CITY.     A.  Conan  Do\le. 

THE  MAN  IN  BLACK.     Stanley  J.  Weyman. 

THE  MAHARAJAH'S  GUEST.     An  Indian  Exile. 

THE  LAST  OF  THE  VAN  SLACKS.     Edward  S.  Van-Zi)e. 

A  LOVER'S  FATE  AND  A  FRIEND'S  COUNSEL.    Anthony  Hope. 

WHAT  PEOPLE  SAID.     An  Idle  Exile. 

MARK  TWAIN— His  Life  and  Work.  Will  M.  Clemens. 

THE  MAJOR.     Major  Randolph  Gore  Hampton. 

ROSE  AND  NINETTE.     Alphonse  Daudet. 

THE  MINISTER'S  WEAK  POINT.     David  Maclure. 

AT  LOVE'S  EXTREMES.     Maurice  Thompson. 

BY  RIGHT  NOT  LA-W.     R.  H.  Sherard. 

SHIPS  THAT  PASS  IN  THE  NIGHT.     Beatrice  Harraden. 

DODO;  A  Detail  of  the  Day.    E.  F.  Benson. 

A  HOLIDAY  IN  BED,  and  Other  Sketches.      J.  M.  Barrie. 

CHRISTOPHER  COLUMBUS;  His  Life  and  Voyages.     F.  B.  Wilkie 

IN  DARKEST  ENGLAND  AND  THE   WAY   OUT,     Gen.  Booth. 

UNCLE  TOM'S    CABIN.     Harriet  Beecher  Stowe, 

DREAM  LIFE,     Ik  Marvel  (Donald  G.  Mitchell). 

COSMOPOLIS.     Paul  Bourget. 

REVERIES   OF   A   BACHELOR.     Ik  Marvel  (Donald  G.  Mitchell). 

WAS   IT   SUICIDE?    Ella  Wheeler  Wilcox. 

POEMS   AND  YARNS.    James  Whitcomb  Riley  and  Bill  Nye. 

AN  ENGLISH  GIRL  IN  AMERICA.    Tallulah  Matteson  Powell. 

SPARKS    FROM    THE    PEN    OF    BILL   NYE. 

PEOPLE'S   REFERENCE    BOOK— 999.999  Facts. 

MARTHA  WASHINGTON  COOK  BOOK. 

HEALTH  AND  BEAUTY.     Emily  S.  Bouton. 

SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE.    Emily  S.  Bouton. 

I^OOKINQ    FORWARD.    Illustrated  Visit  to  the  World's  Fair. 


For  Sale  by  all  Booksellers,  or  sent  on  receipt  of  price  by  the  Publisher, 
P.  TENNYSON  NEELY,  Chicago,  New  York. 


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